I think I really learned something about myself...

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...and to think that it came to me in a dream.

I'll try to explain to the best of my abilities. But first, let me tell you about a conversation I had with my brother the night before which I think might have sparked the dream.

My and my brother were Skypeing, and the conversation had turned to something that he said irked the hell out of him: my way of dealing with getting people to forgive me; you see, all my life, I feel that the best and only method of apologizing and trying to get forgiveness is to go above and beyond a simple apology. Words aren't enough, I have to actually buy things for people, like food or candy, as if I have to BUY their love back from them. My brother thinks it rings insincere, that I'm not really apologizing from the heart, but through my money and gifts.

Well, with those words lingering in my mind, it inspired the dream I had the following late afternoon:

After killing some zombies up in my bedroom Resident Evil-style, I became aware of the time being 7:30pm, and I thought that if I was to be driven to do some grocery shopping for food and soda, then I'd have to go now. So I went downstairs to the living room (I was still living at home in this dream), and I found that there was a pizza party going on! All my family was present as well as some of my siblings' friends were there, and I thought "Score! If there's pizza, then surely there's soda here too to tide me over until tomorrow." So I go into the kitchen to load up on some slices, which were kinda too doughy to the touch, and who should I see at the sink, washing his hands, but...Richard Simmons himself!

I regarded his presence rather casually, asking him what he was doing here, and he said to me in a somber tone, "Actually, Jeff, the reason I'm here is to talk with you about your problem of not accepting your crutch." I didn't say as much in the dream, but I think I know what he was alluding to: that once in the real world, I used the vicious cycle 'I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat' excuse for being overweight.

Anyways, he then walked into the living room and announced to my family something to the affect of 'the experiment's canceled'. I asked what that meant, and he told me that the whole pizza party was just one half of a test for me; an intervention to be staged by my family and friends. You see, in a few more minutes, a chef by the name of Terry was going to show up to set up a vegetarian buffet. The point of the experiment was to see if I'd make the right choice and choose to take the healthy option over the pizza; but since I showed up before that half showed up, he declared the whole thing ruined and that he had failed...

I felt so bad, that I threw away the slice I was currently eating and told Richard that he didn't have to cancel the experiment; for his sake and for my family's sake, I said that I WOULD give the vegetarian food a try, for the sake of eating healthier. He looked puzzled...almost angry..and asked me "Why would you do that?" I said "Because you went through a lot of trouble to want to help me, and I want to show you and my family that I CAN do the right thing." His reaction to that statement? His jaw dropped and he said "....WHAT??! !"

As though he was flabbergasted at the ineptitude I was showing him. And then I woke up...

I think the reason why he got upset was because I wasn't so much choosing to do the right thing for ME, but for HIM and my family, thus negating the whole point of the experiment/intervention.

And he was right. NOTHING I've ever done for myself that was beneficial to me has ever been done JUST for myself, but to either make other people happy, or to spite others, showing them that I can do it. I can't believe it took a Richard Simmons dream to get me to realize it, but...I am a shallow person! To think that I can just throw money or presents around at the people I love, and think I can BUY their love and respect? It doesn't work that way. All it does is make me look like an inept clod. Besides, familial love isn't as conditional as I think it is.

Comments welcome as always.

Fluttershy11