Feeling cornered

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Normally I don't post in this section of the forums. I don't much care to for a number of reasons: I dislike dwelling on depression and prefer to try to enjoy as much as I possibly can, I doubt that any of my problems are really worth much worry or help, and I don't have any good advice to give myself.

So I wouldn't be posting this if I did not feel particularly awful. In fact it's probably some of the worst I've ever felt. I'm sure though that a lot of others have had it far worse, and maybe it would even be good to hear that from someone else so that I can get past this. Other than that I really don't know what kind of advice I'm asking for with this. Similar experiences? Simple kind words? I don't expect a solution as I don't see any good way out of it, and it's something I'd have to decide for myself.

Wasn't certain whether I should post this here or in L&D section, but figured it would fit better here as it's more about me feeling like **** rather than romance, but it still has a lot to do with that, too. Only thing is I'm not trying to ask for relationship advice. So I guess I should start explaining what the actual problem is. Be prepared to read a whole lot.

So the obvious problem is that there's this girl, and to keep things anonymous I'll simply refer to her as "A". My family moved up here just before I turned 13, and for nearly a year I had no friends. Just before Halloween my sisters introduced A to me, so we met when she was 12 and I was a month away from turning 14(for reference, she turned 19 this year and I'm gonna be turning 21 soon). At the time I'd been jealous of my brother and how he'd seemed so lucky with all the friends he was able to make and all the girls he'd had sex with, so I guess that made me insecure enough to ask A out.

Of course nothing much happened at all. For two weeks all we did was walk around our neighborhood, since her mom was paranoid about us hanging out in her room. Not that I minded much, as I like the weather during fall. Looking back now, though, it's easy to see why the "relationship" was cut short; I had no idea what was expected of me. I didn't listen to anything she had to say, and naturally I had nothing to say back to her. I was all kinds of awkward. That and selfish, because all I could think about was how proud I was to have a girlfriend.

So my ego was hurt pretty badly when my sister came home one day with a note from her explaining she just wanted to be friends. I was pretty angry and overreacted, we argued a bit, and soon after A and I didn't talk anymore. It took me a bit of time but I got over it, and honestly I think I would have been fine. However, later(it could have been months or even a year or two - a lot of time between then and now seems like a blur) she decided to contact me again online, and so we became friends.

It didn't last long. I still didn't know how to really talk to girls, even if it was over the internet where I could better express myself. Couple that with the fact I was jealous of all these boys she fawned over, while I never met anyone new(being homeschooled and not motivated enough to get outside) was a disaster waiting to happen. I'm not sure if this was when I really started having actual feelings for her, but eventually it got out of hand and I couldn't handle it anymore. I told her how I felt, and I was pretty much told I was fat, ugly, stupid, and creepy, and she left me feeling incredibly hurt and abandoned. I guess this might be where the depression I've been struggling off and on with started.

I don't remember how often it was, but she would start talking to me again, we'd be friends for a few months, sometimes we'd take walks together(these particular memories I've held onto tightly. One specific one of us on the swings at the nearby elementary school, each of us the opposite direction, just looking at her as she smiles at me, during sunset, really stands out). Even as both of us matured(though I never felt like I did), and even as I thought I'd been able to get rid of those feelings I had for her, they'd creep back up on me and the cycle of abandonment would repeat itself.

Finally, back near the end of May of this year I think it was, she contacted me again on facebook. I was reluctant at first to accept her friend request. I didn't think I could trust her, and I really didn't want to because I didn't want to go through heartbreak yet again. I guess the more altruistic person in me(or the pushover in me) decided to at least see what she wanted from me, so I let her in...well, I guess that's not the entire truth. Perhaps I was desperate for any kind of attention at all. Between then and the last time I talked to A - it must have been back in 2008 because I just started my job and was able to get her this Silent Hill game she wanted(which incidentally creeped her out and ended it again) - I'd been able to make what seems for the most part to be true, permanent friends. That'd be good except one was a girl I fell for, who I'll call "N", and that was near four years of unnecessary heartbreak that had me feeling a ton of regret, guilt, and loneliness.

I guess an important sidenote to bring up would be that I have had a few girlfriends, if you could really call them that, between talking to A, and it might also be crucial to bring up that A is the only one I've met in person. The rest have all been through websites, just chatting over pm's on youtube(which A introduced me to) or myspace or whatever. N is all the way on the other side of the country and, as with the close knit group of friends I have now, I only really know them over Xbox Live. So I don't know whether this has any bearing over how I feel about A, but it seems the only one who's come close has been N, and they are two very different people.

Continuing where I left off, I suppose I might have been desperate. Maybe I wanted to see if she miraculously changed her mind about me. Hell, why else would she keep coming back to me if my obsession with her creeped her out so much? But no, I think I honestly thought I'd gotten over her and that this time, since I was mature enough now and that I'd fallen for N since then, that I'd be able to just be friends with A and nothing more.

Now A had already been open with me before about a lot of things, to the extent where I've been annoyed or uncomfortable and what has caused me to be jealous before. Some of these things have been about sex she's had with boyfriends in the past. Initially I didn't know how to react. Instead I was just shocked. I did get used to it, and felt guilty about getting off to what she's admitted, but then I was made to feel guilty and creepy about liking her at all.

Her openness hasn't stopped. I'm not really sure it's appropriate to say here, but I guess since I'm keeping it anonymous, she still talks to me about stuff like this. I've tried expressing a number of times that I don't want to hear it, but it's gotten to a point where I don't really care anymore. In fact I don't mind it so much, maybe because I've allowed myself to open up to her about myself and really learn how to talk to someone, even if it would be too intrusive or private for most others. We've talked about our sexuality, she knows that I'm still a virgin and that I've never kissed anyone, that I'm submissive and I know that she's not the dominant type at all.

These are all things that I would never be able to tell to someone I considered to be just a friend. Of course I wrote it out here, but you're all relatively "strangers", I guess you could say. So I don't know why I told her other than that maybe I felt comfortable with her and I wasn't afraid of being judged, and maybe that I owed her for being so honest with me.

Eventually she decided to come and visit(she'd moved out of her home in the neighborhood and to a town that's not too far away with a boyfriend) right at the very end of August. I will say she did warn me before not to crush on her because I was a good friend, and not to be offended by her asking that(but I was because she thought it was only some dumb crush I had when it's been a much stronger feeling for me). But I let it slide and thought we could just hang out as friends for pretty much from around 3ish to 11:30 at night, which was kind of exhausting. She was going through something where she'd broken up with her boyfriend for this guy who was playing mind games with her, and she was gonna get him to pick her up so I tried to keep it off my mind.

We played Slender(normally I wouldn't touch any horror game, but for her I was willing), watched a bunch of random youtube poop and other ****, took turns drawing stupid stuff and got plenty of compliments from her on mine, took a walk around town. This was the first time we were out at night together, and she couldn't stop talking about how beautiful the moon was. Unfortunately I was a bit out of breathe to really comment on it, still being a bit out of shape(but she has asthma and usually has some trouble herself so I dunno how she did it). We walked through a cemetery, and usually I'd be too much of a pansy to go but with her I felt relaxed enough. As we went I talked about some of the things I remembered clearly about stuff her and I did together, but she didn't seem to recall as well as I did.

We got some junk food at a gas station, went back home, I got on my laptop and she was on her iphone and we just started commenting on each others' walls on facebook and joked about how stupid it was to meet up just to do that. Eventually she left and I felt the best I had in a long time. That's when I realized my feelings for her were as strong as ever.

I guess I was stupid and figured all I could do was tell her the next morning. Before, I'd tried to hide it as well as I could and try to wait it out, but it never went away and always ended with her leaving me. But I guess it didn't matter much that I was completely open and honest about it this time. I even promised I wouldn't be a pain if she decided to stop talking to me again. She got angry at me, telling me that I shouldn't have said anything, that she thought she could trust me, that she wouldn't come over again. She asked why I couldn't just see her as a friend, and told me she was still creeped out by my obsession with her.

To my surprise she didn't block me or anything. We talked, argued, and eventually it settled down and she asked me just how much I liked her, told me that she wouldn't be as creeped out if it wasn't all that much. So I decided I'd lie after all, because I really didn't want her to go. I'm not sure she believed me, but she's kept talking to me til now, and she doesn't know I'm writing this about her.

I really don't know what to make of it. Maybe it's just me seeing what I want to, but it seems that sometimes she's tried to flirt with me. She told me she was going to send some pictures to her new boyfriend(the one who's manipulated her), and asked if I wanted to see. Not thinking she was serious, I accepted anyway, and voila, the first time I've ever seen her naked. I just don't get how she could be so nonchalant about it if I'm just a friend to her, especially with me being the only person other than her boyfriend to see them, and how afterwards she told me not to send them to anyone else. I asked her why she did it a few days later, and all she told me was she wanted to see how I'd react.

I'm really confused by all this. Maybe she's playing mind games with me, but I honestly don't think she'd be that cruel; as mean as she can seem at times, she's always been blunt and brutally honest, never afraid to hurt anyone. She could be coaxing me to catch me lying about how I feel about her, but if she knew that then why not just block me anyway? She's even suggested she'd wanna come over to my house again to watch this Adventure time thing(though both times she didn't have a ride). I'm very confused about all this. She's told me before that it feels like I'm a diary to her, and I don't really know what that means.

At the same time, she complains about this new boyfriend who manipulated her before, who has some erectile dysfunction issues, who would not even tell her he loved her(though it was a bit hard when she woke me up calling to say he finally did, and I had to pretend to be happy for her). I try not to be too jealous anymore, because I realize life is too short to get caught up on such trivial things, but this is driving me crazy. It makes me wonder what's so wrong with me when I give her all this support, and she seems to be able to talk to me more than her boyfriend. I know that I can't change anyone, but it doesn't stop me from wishing she would find me attractive, or at least understand how I feel about her and how this is hurting me.

She seems to think my love can be controlled like the flick of a switch. It doesn't work like that. Once I'm stuck on someone, I'm pretty much stuck until they leave my life. At least it's been that way with her. It might be different with N, as I have been able to get over her now that A is back, so I don't know what that means. Still, I'm not sure what to do now. I just can not get over A. I thought I would this time after a month has gone by now, but I keep feeling it more and more and it's worse and I'm jealous and I feel trapped.

I can't tell her because she'll hate me, and honestly without her life has been considerably more lonely; she's the only one who bothers to try to talk to me everyday, to ask if I'm alright, and to be open with me still and to let me be open with her. I'd rather she not go, but alternatively it's extremely hard to watch her be with this guy and wonder why I'm not good enough, all the while trying to pretend my feelings don't matter. I almost wish she would just get fed up with me and hate me and decide to forget about me altogether, so that I don't have to be the one to break it off.

It would be stupid, and I don't think I'd really have the balls to do this, but I've thought about jumping off of a bridge or a building. Of course it would be dumb to do over this, but I've thought about it before because of things like not having a job, not having any kind of a future or independence in the foreseeable future, ot having much a future at all. And it hurts worse when I think about how she'll probably move on and get married and all while I rot here, unable to change my life no matter how hard I try.

I guess I don't know what answers I'm looking for. Maybe it's obvious to you guys. She's probably just plain bad for me and I should just be an ass and ditch her. I don't know. I don't know when to stop either, so sorry for this uncondensed life story. I appreciate all who've taken the time to read all this, and give thanks in advance to anyone willing to reply.

Well, first, chances are you need to ask one question...

Does she know about the autism?

(Note: The following ramble goes off the assumption that she does not.)

In my opinion (Disclaimer: I have never officially had a GF) chances are an NT won't be able to relate to you unless she knows about your condition. Depending on your personality, this can either be very easy or very hard. But until it happens, as I've read through some of the earlier forums; chances are she won't be able to understand you. Hell, chances are it's going to be difficult for her to process what it means. In ANY form of deep relation ship involving AS, or any type of ASD, it is imperative that the NT party is at the very least aware of this - and hopefully be able to understand what it means fairly soon.

I'd say tell her over a facebook chat; and probably say sorry that you were so shy about it earlier. NT's judge other people's emotions based on actions which seemingly make NO SENSE WHATSOEVER to ASD-type individuals (We should all have some type of experience with this).

If you cannot explain it to her yourself; I'd say link her the site's own description of it:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... s+Syndrome

After she's able to understand your brain's emotional system to an extent, then something might be able to happen.

Hell, if you have the guts, show her your post after you end up finally confessing to her ;D While I am not admitting that any of this has a 100% ratio of success, IN THEORY if she cannot understand your emotions, she will be inable to translate them into a format comprehensible for her, which essentially means the relationship is moot in her view. The answer is NOT to change yourself (As, let's face it, trying to act like an NT ends up badly) but rather to make sure she understands who you are. I can almost guarantee you that once she can understand your emotions, things will be MUCH easier. While you shouldn't expect it right off the bat; just be sure she knows the situation - At which point her "Intuition" can probably figure it out with her subconscious over the course of time.

Thanks Zodai. But yeah, she does know. Guess I forgot to bring that up, along with a whole lot of other details. I can tell I'm really tired right now. -_-

But no, she doesn't know what it means, I don't think. I told her about it back then, but she doesn't really seem to be the intellectual type, or all too sympathetic either. That's one of the reasons why I'm not trying to change her, or going to change for her. I know that logically we are just too different, we value different things and that it wouldn't work. It's just that I guess what I feel for her is irrational and unconditional and I wish I could feel close to her. I guess I'm looking for more a way to cope with it than to actually take any kind of action. I don't want to hurt her or make her feel guilty or that I' any more weird by dropping a bomb like this on her.

Well, how long has it been since you first tried to explain it to her? Maybe her brain has grown enough to be able to figure out what the heck it means, depending on when you first tried explaining it?

I'm kind of just throwing stuff out there at this point, but I can tell you're honest about this.

Telling someone you have ASD in my experience doesn't do any good. They will act the same way as before regardless - because they cannot relate to the way we think, and most cannot even begin to imagine or to understand, they will not change their behaviour just because you tell them. Most people have no idea what it actually means when you tell them "I have ASD" - they generally have no clue, and if they do know what it means, most of what they know is usually largely incorrect. Even attempting to educate her would likely produce no difference in her behaviour because she still won't be able to relate and also - if she was interested she would look up the information herself.

Box, I really feel that the answers are in your post. You have admitted that you won't be able to get over her while she is still in your life - I think that is very common, most people cannot let go of someone if they are still in contact with them, it's very difficult and very painful to try. I think if you want to get over her, you will have to go into no contact.

She is treating you like a friend, probably many of the things she has told you, she would not date tell a boyfriend of hers. That alone speaks volumes.
Most women will not be so completely open with a guy if they want to date him or are attracted to him - it's quite instinctive for them to reveal pieces of information at a time to keep his interest level high and not say anything that would make him think less of her.
She has not instinctively done that with you, which means she is probably not attrcated to you at all and does not consider you boyfriend material.
But she does seem to be testing the line (testing how interested you are) at times while attempting to get a male point of view (testing your react in order to figure out what her boyfriends would be) by doing things like sending naked pictures.

It's really up to you at this point.
Is it more painful in both the short term, and then the long term, to cut off all contact or keep her in you life?
Right now I would be looking for the long term option if you want to know what is in your best interest - but only you know the answer to that.

You're right. Those are really the only options I have. I still don't know what I'm going to do, though. Being rid of her permanently would be a big chance, and there's no telling whether I'd feel ultimately better or worse, but continuing this is definitely taking a toll on me. She's all that I can think about and it's hard to get my mind off of her, especially when she's been the only friend I have to initiate conversation or not seem to deliberately distance herself from me. I don't know. Around all my other friends, like N, it seems something about me just repulses them a bit. The thing about N is that she is on the opposite end of the scale from A; she's nice to a fault. N is so focused on being polite that she puts others before herself, won't get angry at anyone, never wants to hurt anyone even if she was done wrong. So I guess what my issue with her is that she wouldn't be able to tell me what she finds so wrong about me.

I guess that since N wasn't really direct in rejecting me(and that's partially my fault for being too afraid to tell her how I felt) I was a bit confused and stressed and took it out on her. Maybe it was my way of trying to push her away or to try and pretend she wasn't so important to me. She didn't insult me or get angry at me or anything. She was more hurt and wondering why I was being so mean to her. After enough of it she eventually decided to stop talking to me altogether, and it stayed that way for months until I decided to apologize and explain why I did what I did to her. So I guess this could be a big part of why she's a bit more distant from me now. Her brother is part of my group of friends, and they enjoy playing Halo and Borderlands and all these others games with the rest of us, so it's kind of hard to avoid her entirely. I don't know if she's more sympathetic to me or anything just because she has a sister with autism(though on a different level of functioning), or if it's just her obsession with everything being nice and peaceful. And I don't know if it's just A being in my life or what that makes it seem like I' able to get over N.

Anyway, point is, I'd like to think I've grown up at least a little. Enough to stop having temper tantrums whenever I find myself being rejected by people it's taken me years to get really attached to. I guess I just don't know how else to tell A that I can't talk to her anymore. I can't not picture some kind of drama, or her not understanding, because she does seem very self absorbed and only rarely listens to my problems - and even then, she either belittles or dismisses them or doesn't know what kind of advice to give me. I don't know if I should just not say anything at all and just leave, but I really wouldn't ever want to do something like that to anyone regardless of how they treat me. It seems she's a bit oblivious to how she treats anyone else and is always asking why nobody likes her(and I respond to her saying that people are asking her out all the time), so I don't really know if it would be mean of me or not to just cut off all contact with her. I know I've been on that end plenty of times, and not just with her but with a lot of other people.

Maybe I might take a few weeks to think about this, and I'll need to be alone. It's something my friends have had to learn to deal with about me. Sometimes, it seems to be a bit random when it does happen, is I won't really talk to anyone for weeks at a time. In the past I've gotten texts and email and messages asking where I am and saying that I'm missed, but I'd ignored them and just holed myself up in my room, listening to music or reading a book or whatever else I can do to escape, I guess. They seem to have learned to give me space when I go through that.

I'm not sure if A would understand if I did this, though. Of course I couldn't really tell her why, and she'd still try to ask because we're open about everything. I don't even know if this is an autistic trait or something else entirely. I think maybe that's why I never really explained it to her, because for the longest time I didn't really know what being autistic meant. Only once I joined this place did I start to really read up on it. It took some convincing to get my friends to believe me when I said I was, since I'm almost never serious with them otherwise, and they thought I was just trying to be offensive or something. So I tend to prefer not to bring it up at all, as people get the wrong impression, and it's better to just appear as quirky or weird or eccentric without any skewed labels.

That's kind of disheartening to hear about that, Kjas, but I guess it's probably true. Still, I don't think I'd ever want a relationship with someone who felt they'd have to hide stuff from me or fear that I'd judge them for trivial faults. Nobody's perfect. The fact she's honest with me has been pretty much the whole point of why I like her. If I was interested in getting some kind of trophy, there are plenty of better looking or even smarter or more compassionate people than her(regardless of whether I actually have a chance with any of them), but I don't like to judge people in that way. I guess that's where hers and my values really differ. She's always saying how she's worried her boyfriend is using her or that she's ugly or whatever else that I find doesn't really matter at all. Maybe I'm just strange, but I don't care for any of that so much as I do about being able to be down to earth or completely relaxed with another person, and for me that would have to be someone who is a lot closer than a friend because a lot of that is very private. It makes me wonder if I should even try to pursue any kind of relationship with anyone if I'm going to be lied to or be a toy in a game.

I should stop rambling so much. It is kind of therapeutic to be venting like this, but then I'll find I've wasted hours writing all this when I could be doing other things. So thanks, Kjas.

Sorry, meant to thank both of you. Guess I'm a bit scatterbrained lately.

I guess it depends on what you consider attraction. I guess it must be, in a way, because no matter what I tell myself, I can't get my mind off of her. But it's not necessarily physical attraction, I don't think. Not sure what it is exactly, but I feel it's definitely a lot more of an emotional attachment rather than any kind of lust or whatever else. Think I tend to prefer that, seeing as to how I barely meet anyone in person anyway. I'd rather get to really know someone by talking to them rather than basing their entire worth on how they look. So I guess it's been the same with both A and N, only I've known A a bit longer, we've been more open with each other, and I've at least been able to hang out with her more than a few times. Guess it's just that feelings for A were stronger and it's hard to keep my mind on both of them at once.

Yeah I'll take some time. I don't know how long, though. Whenever I do anything like this, it seems I get a bit complacent and not make much a decision at all, and just let things stay the same in fear of choosing one or the other. Maybe it'll be easier though as, for whatever reason, she seems to be angry at me, or at least that's the impression I'm getting. No usual texts or IMs or anything. Could be just that she's busy, but she's never too busy to at least text once or twice a day. So I don't know.

Sweet Pea hugs

^^Thank you.

A came over to visit yesterday. Kind of disappointed in myself after everything I've said about trying to get away from her and all. She's apologized for not talking to me much lately and has been trying to come over a couple of times now, and has asked me to go to six flags with her and her friends. Was a bit glad when she couldn't find a ride the first time, and I lied about being sick on the other two occasions(well, that and being legitimately afraid of heights and by extension most rides). Guess a factor was also that she'd be with her boyfriend and I'm not sure I could handle being around that.

But today seemed kind of out of my control. At first it seemed she wouldn't be able to get a ride here anyway, but she called me not too long after, asking if she could come over and that it was urgent because the ride she'd gotten was about to leave right then and there. I guess I could have just said no, and maybe I wouldn't have necessarily been in the wrong to do that anyway, but at the time I felt it would have been mean to just refuse it, especially with not having told her that it's a bit painful to try to be friends with her. She's still under the impression that nothing's wrong(or at least she doesn't seem like she knows).

I guess one good thing is that it didn't feel as special as the last time she came over, and it wasn't for as long. We just generally didn't talk about too much, other than her remembering a few things about her childhood when walking around the neighborhood. We went down to the elementary school and got on the swingset, which reminded me of a particular memory I'd brought up in my thread, and she recalled stuff about her having gone to the school we were at. After our walk, though, we pretty much just watched some random youtube videos. Was kind of annoying when she started showing me videos of this show 'the Office', and telling me about how these Jim and Pam characters were so much like her and her boyfriend. After that it got to being her checking some things on facebook and her being jealous of this girl her boyfriend used to be obsessed with. I think it's a bit hypocritical when she seems to think it's not ok for me or some of her other friends to be jealous. Not that I like being jealous of anyone, I'd very much like to not be, but I don't think it's morally wrong.

So yeah, I guess I was just more of a listener this time than the last, where I brought up a bunch of stupid ****. I don't know whether it's just that subconsciously that I'm trying to get to be not so attached to her or what.

I think I'm done.

???

I think that last night was probably the last time I'll ever speak to A again.

I've already mentioned it, but for the purpose of anyone else reading this thread, she came to visit on Halloween. She'd brought some friends, most being couples, and since her boyfriend had to work I guess her and I stuck together more. Eventually her friends kind of ditched her to go out and eat somewhere since there was only so much room in their car. Apparently that wasn't the original plan so she was a bit angry. We went back to my house, and at first she was just going to get her mother to pick her up right off, but changed her mind and decided she wanted to stay a few hours. I don't know why, because she'd made comments about it being so boring, and all we ended up doing was watching some things on netflix and youtube until eventually she wanted to go through some of my personal stuff like my wallet or texts or mp3 player, etc. I must have bored her a lot because in the last half hour she decided to take a nap on my bed with her head by my lap, telling me to wake her up in time for her ride, and also explained to me that her boyfriend usually talked to her before she slept and that she wanted me to do the same.

Despite that, she'd told me she only came to trick-or-treat because she knew I'd be there, and that hanging out with me was a lot more fun than being with any of the other friends she'd brought with her anyway. I guess that a memory I'm always going to keep, like that one with her smiling at me while on the swings, would be her brushing her hair and laughing at a joke I'd made about her being old - apparently her hair stylist messed something up and these red highlights she had turned grey - after she'd told me all this. Not that I won't hold on to images of her sitting on my bed or laying down next to me, even though I'd felt she was invading my personal space.

So now with all of that out of the way I guess I can move on to the events that lead up to now. I did manage to log into her facebook account after she left, and I thought it'd be funny to kind of troll and make some silly status update. She was a bit pissed but got over it, so that was pretty minor.

It really started with her telling me one morning all about her boyfriend and his performance in bed and all that, which I guess is just the norm for her, but by then I was really tired of hearing it, and when she said "this is what you get for being my diary" I lost my self control and told her that every time she does this it really hurts me and makes me feel like garbage. I told her that she wouldn't know how it is to feel so undesirable. She cited maybe a handful of times she's been made to feel like dirt, but she just did not understand that none of that was the same as never getting any kind of attention at all. Eventually the conversation lead to me telling her I needed a few days away from everyone(when in truth it was just to get away from her) and that the reason why was too private to talk to her about(to stop myself from hurting every time she mentioned her boyfriend). She didn't like it but gave up on trying to convince me not to go.

Didn't last very long, as she called later that day, admitting to me that she was bored out of her mind and that without me, she didn't have many people she really talked to. She'd also asked if I was still crushing on her and if the real reason I didn't want to talk was out of jealousy, and of course I lied and said no. We hung up and later that night I sent her a message trying to explain the truth to her while she was sleeping. Apparently she wasn't angry, but things were very awkward. Over the course of the next few days things were a bit confusing, with her telling me I was her best friend, or that she didn't really love her boyfriend and that he didn't even deserve her.

At one point she dismissed my feelings entirely, saying that it sounded like I only thought of her as a friend. I should know how I feel, you know, being me. So I tried to find a better way to express myself, explaining that I'd thought about the times we'd spent together in a more romantic way, and that I'd thought about what it would be like to hold hands with her or have her be my first kiss or to cuddle in bed with her. I told her that I didn't care that she was super skinny or had small boobs like I'd teased her about because I didn't see her as a sex object and cared for her deeply as another human being. All she could muster up was "That's sweet but I don't think of you in that way" which was I guess as lightly as she could put it. That would have been fine with me; I wasn't trying to woo her or anything like that, I was just being honest because I didn't want there to be any misinterpretations or for her to resent me.

It wasn't until later, when she said stuff along the lines of "Please stop crushing on me find someone else" or "I never liked you and never did" that I guess I overreacted. I'm not sure if being able to choose who you have feelings for is some kind of NT super power, or if I'm just weird, or if it's her inability to understand or relate to anything about me. Still, those words stung, and it was incredibly hurtful that she'd negate my strong feelings for her to just a simple crush. I don't know what it's like for other people, but after years of giving myself to this person it is extremely difficult to try and forget, especially when she expects me to stick around as a friend. It's not like flicking a light switch on or off. If I could have absolute control over who I had feelings for, I would not have problems like these at all. No amount of rationalizing is going to change overnight, if at all.

I sent her boyfriend the conversations her and I have had about her not loving him, and the pics she'd sent me back in September. She soon found out and was pissed at me, telling me not to ruin her life and that she didn't do anything to me to deserve this. She told me I was acting crazy and that if I ever wanted to be friends with her again that I would apologize. I told her that it was honestly too painful to be her friend, something I've been trying to get across to her that she just doesn't get. She told me to grow up, and I told her to get out of my life and to stay out for good, that I wanted to forget I ever knew her and all about her, that I needed to move on and couldn't do that so long as she was around. All she said was "Ok" before blocking me, and I didn't bother texting back.

At the same time I was busy playing Halo 4, talking to friends...well, not really talking much, as I was playing the story mode and didn't want to spoil anything for anybody, and Sarge and Purge were arguing about kill stealing or some stupid **** and I prefer not to take sides the few rare times that happens between us. Of course now I was quiet because there was a lump in my throat, and when I did talk it was hard not to sound too devastated at what I'd just done. N was in the party with us, and she sounded so glad to hear me talking again. I guess it's kind of silly over something so small, but the fact she noticed I was gone at all only made it harder to not sound like I felt terrible. I told them I was tired and that I was going to bed and that was it.

It's been a long time since I've cried so hard, and cried myself to sleep, too(and only for 3 short hours since I had to get p early today). I felt so guilty and so much hatred toward myself, that I would throw someone away just like that just because of my insignificant feelings. We've been talking again for near a half year now, almost daily and pretty much just about anything, and I just ended it because I was jealous and wanted to feel more important to her, and because I was weak. I also felt repulsive, which is probably why I'd held on to her for so long. With her telling me things like I'm not ugly or fat, or that I'm not conceited or that I'm a really great friend, I suppose I couldn't help but have the unrealistic hope that she might fall for me after all. I'm so naive and stupid.

I thought about telling N all this, but I'm not sure. I don't want to alienate her more than I already have, nor do I want her to think I've just been using her as some kind of emotional sponge, which I guess I have been lately. It's just that she's the only person other than A who I've been able to feel comfortable having any kind of serious and very personal discussion with, and even though she may not always understand where I'm coming from, she always makes the most effort she possibly can to help. Thing is, I don't think I've really gotten over her so much as it's been A having taken more a priority, which is kind of terrible because I shouldn't think of other people like that. Still, I don't want this to happen all over again, especially not to N, who is really genuinely nice and does not deserve the really childish anger that I've been known to express.

If I'm still immature now, I don't think I'll ever be able to grow out of it. I ca't take rejection, or at least not from people I've grown extremely fond of. I'd rather not act on lust and ask strangers out, and I don't want to force myself to feel anything for anyone I just met, but the alternative takes a whole lot longer and I end up hurting both her and myself with scars that lost a long time. I don't know what to do. I wish that just once I could feel particularly special to someone, that we could have an unconditional love that I've felt for others, but I don't want to have to keep going through this cycle of nothing but disappointment and heartbrake. I really do not want to go through the trouble and risk of meeting someone new, especially knowing that if I tried dating immediately they would probably not be understanding of my faults at all, and on the other hand I'd be viewed as nothing more than a friend despite them telling me I'd be the perfect boyfriend. I don't want to be desperate, I don't want to waste my affection on anyone I don't really care about, and I want to meet someone who meets my standards and who would be good for me, but it feels as if she just does not exist, and I would be better off just cutting off from the world emotionally.

It doesn't help that my life still has not gone anywhere in any other direction. Just over two decades gone by and absolutely nothing to show for it. Seems I've been stuck on the scale at the same weight despite having made significant changes to have a healthier diet and to work out more. I'm not even getting any job interviews anymore and running out of any new places to apply to. College looks lie it will never be affordable and it would be almost pointless to try anyway. In the past I've been able to escape in books or games or even a few tv shows(Lost being a very special one that I miss a lot), but I've noticed as I grow older they don't tend to take. I don't know if one can be desensitized to escape, but it seems whenever I try anymore that negative thoughts still override everything else and it's very easy to remember that it's simply just a game I'm playing or a book I' reading, and that just reminds me of the fact I've nothing else I can do.

I feel so lost. I have no control over anything in my life or myself. I feel like a failure. I've only been a burden to the people around me, who only ever mean to do well, and honestly feel that, even though they may be sad at first, in the long run that they'd be better off without me and my issues of envy or immaturity or stupidity. I push people like A away because it's just too painful, but then I feel extremely guilty because of the way I did it. I should feel grateful that N decided to talk to me at all again after all the hurtful things I've said to her. And there are my family and other friends who really do do a lot for me, all of whom I've never been able to feel comfortable showing my appreciation for, and who I tend to take for granted.

I really don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I need time to just sulk in self pity. But then I'm not sure that's really all that great for my mental health, either. It's all I'd done, laying in my room in the dark years ago for months, after similar things like this happened. I don't think it's ever really solved anything, but I'm not sure what else I could really do.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfEt3lx7CJc[/youtube]