Will anyone ever TRY to accept who I am?

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I have issues with my mother right now. We will sometimes sit, and talk about how I feel, how things are for me, how I am trying to make myself a more likeable person, and she nods and says she understands etc... Well, I am running out of trust for her! She is lying when she says she understands because when she is in the position where I unintentionally do something that she finds offensive, she is very quick to have a real, nasty, go at me rather than sit back and think "wait a minute, this is one of those times when I could help her see where she is going wrong".

If she understood, she would not act in a way that she knows will make me blow up. And I do NOT expect her to walk on eggshells around me, I just want her to use her brain rather than just react how she wants to.

Take tonight for example.

Between 6.30 pm and 8.00 pm, I was going to finish tidying my room out, there were bags of rubbish all over the floor and it really needed doing, during this time, mum was taking my kids to a Carol concert. This had been planned for days. On their return from the concert, I was going to put the kids to bed, and come online at half eight like I always do.

However, one of the children was suddenly sick so mum had to leave her at home with me which wrecked my plans for the night (and I never deal with that well). It meant that I would have to tidy my room instead of go online at half 8, which was not as planned. She just does not UNDERSTAND that I find it very difficult to accept that sometimes things have to be different from how I plan them. I mean, I had DECIDED way in advance that this was what I was doing and suddenly it was wrecked.

It felt really bad even though it was no ones fault. I had to sit alone in my room for a while to try to get rid of the feelings without making a scene, but NO, my mum could not leave me alone to sort myself out, instead of saying something positive, she shouted up to me, and started ranting about how the world does not revolve around me, how I am selfish and how I should accept that the night just wasn't going to work out as expected.

This just proved that when we "talk" about me, she just comes out with BS about understanding. Because of her ranting at me, it caused a meltdown (not a huge one, but one all the same) and I ended up screaming at her and crying and shouting/swearing until I felt calmer, and if she had just left me, I could have felt calmer by just sitting and maybe crying a little alone.

Why can't she just accept who I am? I try so hard to be less clumsy, unintentionally rude and rigid. I try to hear what people are saying to me, even if the subject is boring as hell, and I try to get out of people's way if I feel stressed or frustrated enough to break down if another button is pressed, I really do. I do not know how I can try any harder

It just feels like the whole world is against me right now.

Rant over.

Oh I think I know what you are talking about.

Some problem comes up and you know that you don't want to have an... shall we say "inapropriate" responce to it. So you try to go off by yourself or keep your mouth shut so as to no cause problems. For some reason this seems to provoke others (like your mother) into attacking you. Instead of things being made better they get worse becuase someone wouldn't just leave you alone.

When this happens I've thought about trying something like the following but I don't know if it would work: say to the person: "I don't think I could respond to you in a civil manner right now. So instead of starting a fight I would like to go off and be by myself for a while. When I feel as though I can deal with this in a better way, I will return."

Give that a shot until you can learn complete Stoic detachment.

You explained it exactly right.. exactly how it is. And you are right, I should say something along the lins of what you just posted, it is just so hard whern she is there whining and moaning and the tone of her voice is making me cringe... suppose I need to try though, I wish I could totally detach from what I am feeling sometimes. I realy do... thankyou.

I love not living at home, and it's for the same reasons. I know exactly how you feel. My parents don't communicate, they shout. If there's even a tiny thing that's irritating one of them, they don't have a conversation, or ask the other to make whatever amends would alleviate the nuisance, they shout and scream at each other. this is normal for them. It's what they like doing. It doesn't matter how hard I tried to please them when I lived with them, they'd scream at me and threaten me for the tiniest transgression.

Here's a good example (though it happened after I left home): I got a job on a farm for the summer and I needed a place to stay. My parents and my Aunt got a caravan and agreed I could use it for the summer. My parents took it to Aberdeenshire where I was working, and met me at the halls of residence where I had lived that year. Now I do appreciate the trouble and money this cost them and was very grateful that they did this. I had organised the last of my stuff and was stressed to hell about the move and the end of University (I had just graduated). As they had requested, I got cakes for them out the local bakery and got tea and coffee for them when they arrived. But they were the wrong cakes and the tea and coffee wasn't to their liking. So my mother starts screaming and shouting at me, calling me all the names she could think of and a stupid b***h to boot. On the way out to the farm I was meant to give directions, but I didn't speak loudly enough and my step-dad took the wrong turning. So they start yelling at me again. I started crying, something I never do in front of people if I can help it, and I honestly couldn't stop, and I was trying damn hard. So they start screaming at me for making a fool of myself. I tried to tell them I was sorry but they just weren't interested. Eventually I was able to stop crying and focus my thoughts for long enough to point at the farm on a map.

They have acknowledged that their behaviour towards me is sometimes unacceptable, and that sometimes they take their anger out on me because they're stressed and I'm an "easy target" (I don't know when it's best to "lay low" like my brother does till it's too late), but they've done nothing to correct this behaviour. Even when I go home now they're the same. And to make matters worse, they still try to "train" me like I'm a little child. Over the phone they're fine, and the further away I move from them the better my relationship with them gets. if a good work opportunity appeared abroad I wouldn't think twice about going. InnocentEyes, don't despair, it won't be this way for ever. Life will get better once you get away from home. You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends.

Thankyou r_mc. Even though it is not good that you suffer a similar fate at the hands of your parents, it is good that someone else understands how horrible it feels. Shouting at you because you got the wrong cakes? I do things like that all the time. People will ask me to do things, and somehow the lines of communication get muddled, and I do the wrong thing, then I get shouted at etc...

The trouble with my mother is the fact that she will NEVER admit that the way she treats me sometimes is unacceptable... it is always my fault for not acting the way SHE feels is the right way to act. When she is being rational and I have not "upset" or "offended" her with my "deviant" behaviour, she is quite willing to sit there and say "yes, you have a problem and we need to work round it to get the best possible results for everyone involved", but put her in the actual situation... it is a different story.

It happened again this morning. Something significant disrupted my day which caused a LOT of distressed, negative feelings. I REALLY needed to be alone to process these feelings thus avoid a major emotional blow out. Again... she just wouldn't piss off.

I tried very politely to say:

ME... (massively politely) "mum, please could you leave me alone for a while" (as she followed me into a room to see what was wrong... she did not respect that I did not want to talk about it at that moment and I felt that it was not her business anyway).

She counteracts me with... "This is one of those times that you need to THINK about how you are acting"...

I reply with: "Please go away, I will be ok if you just leave me for a while"...

Then she suddenly gets this tone to her voice, I have no idea what tone it was but it made me angry and made me feel like cringing.

Her: "Times like these you need to revise your attitude... you must KNOW what you are doing right now, and I do not believe that you are unable to stop yourself. You use your problems as excuses to behave badly".

My response to this was not good. I ended up screaming at her to piss off and leave me alone. This further reinforced her stinking attitude towards me.

I just feel that I cannot win with AS. I understand her point about how I need to TRY regarding how I act around other people, but she brings her feelings/opinions/views up at totally inappropriate times when I am negatively overstimulated and very likely incapable of rationalising her words at that time, thus causing a major feelings of dischord within me.

Probably a very simple situation described above, but hard to deal with when we are such different people, and she refuses to make ANY allowances for my AS. I want to be nice to her all the time, but she MUST respect my privacy, especially when something bad happens and I need to be alone.

You know... You are right, they expect us to conform to their ideal, to what they think is their "perfect" child and they have no respect for the fact that peeople with AS are wired up differently. The fact is, I can NEVER be the child that she wants, it is not that I don't want to, it is that I CAN'T... I am not made that way and I wish she could understand it.

Your parents do sound like my mum.

I do not know if she would raise the bar higher and higher, I think that she would be a lot more accepting if I could: understand how to react "correctly to stimuli"; think about things before I say them so I sound less rude; be less clumsy; hmmmm..... now I wrote that I DO see the bar getting higher and higher.

She says if I can get her some literature on AS she will read it and try to accept that there are some behaviours that I just cannot help. She is however, no matter how highly educated she may be, one of those people who will not accept something unless she understands it, and I seriously doubt she will ever understand that some of the things that I do canot be helped.

RANT:

""I feel that I have to constantly apologise for my traits, things that are just part of my AS... why the hell should I apologise? I can't help being AS any more than she can help being NT and she doesn't apologise for that! Why the hell should I conform to NT values anyway? ""

There's a really good book just out called "The Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrome" by Tony Attwood. He's one of the worlds top researchers and advocates the acceptance of those with AS. The methods he teaches parents to help their children focus on teaching the child how to cope with and understand the world around them rather than changing the child to suit the parents. The book contains a lot more than others on teenagers, adults and women with As and how AS affects romantic relationships and marriages. It's also an interesting book to read and is informative without getting too technical. It might help her to understand. I'd like to show it to my parents, but at the moment they're not going on about AS too much, as the doctor at the practice I go to (not a pdoc in any way, shape or form) says she's seen people (males) with AS before and doesn't think I have it. This has delighted my parents and I'm afraid to broach the topic again.

Good luck!

Honestly, I think you have a very hard time adjusting to plans changing. It happens all the time, that's life, deal with it. and it doesn't seem like it was your mom's fault, no one could do anything about your child getting sick. Okay and your mom's problem is that if you need a time to chill, you need a time to chill. You can't just go bust in and yell to someone when they politely told you that they needed a break.

Don't worry, everyone has problems with their mothers. It may be minor or major problems but moms can be a hassle.

I feel sooooo MISUNDERSTOOD! Even my MySpace display name is, "MissUnderstood." I feel like absolutely no one understands me or even cares too. I believe that the reason no one understands me is because, they choose not to, because either they don't care or they are just to lazy to put forth the effort to try and learn about Aspergers. So all in all, I feel like I am always on the outsidr, looking in. Damn even my mom doesn't understand me. Lord knows I've tried to explain things to her, but she ust doesn't believe what I say or is just in denial. Whatever!! !! !

I feel your pain.

Thankyou