I Hate myself...

Post Reply New Topic

I just don't know what to do i really need help and a solution to my life
I hope I'm not leaving out any details and sorry if this story may sound complicated.

I don't know where to start so... I'll start from events that was about 3-4 years ago.

Ok so 3-4 years ago i had to get enrolled in a virtual school program from being in public school mainly because of my mental problems(I'm bipolar and have aspergers and schizophrenia) I had trouble getting up in the morning to get to school and while at school i couldn't pay attention and i day dream ALOT and get zoned out from reality, so i had trouble learning and paying attention to the teacher.

So now Sometime after i got into virtual school i still had trouble being able to do the work.
I couldn't focus and pay attention because of my bipolar i would get depressed then hyper,then i would just zone out from reality (Yes the same problems i had when i was going to public school). And plus i kinda got addicted to this specific video game which i played ALOT (the hours i played the game ranged from 6-10 hours per day this went on for months) I had trouble stopping myself from playing the game because whenever i played it, it always had me feeling hyper for hours(which was a good feeling because it kept me from being depressed). I knew i had to stop playing it tho because it was getting in the way of my school work but i couldn't stop
whenever i stopped playing it and try to get my school work done i get depressed for some random reason (When I'm depressed i have trouble thinking and i would get wrong answers on a test and such) So now i would go back to my video game.

And then some time after my ex girlfriend had broke up with me (It was on our 1 year anniversary too) I asked her why she wanted to break up and she says it was just because she didn't have feelings for me anymore and plus she said she was moving further away from where i lived (only by 40 miles) And she didn't want a long distance relationship(we was both to young to drive). So ever since then my depression started to get alittle worse (I would sometimes even get depressed while playing that video game i mention earlier which is weird because it also made me hyper at the sametime). And so then i had even worse trouble getting my schoolwork done because I've been depressed about the break up. but anyway back to my school problems...

So at the end of the first year of virtual school i had to get helded back because i couldn't get the work done (I couldn't get the work done because of the breakup and video game addiction as i mention earlier). This was now my 2nd time getting helded back.( I got helded back the 1st time when i had to get enrolled into virtual school because i was missing to many days from public school).
So now my depression starts to get even WORSE because i got helded back for the 2nd time. (I'll be 16 in the 8th grade ) I felt like a loser and really hated myself.

they gave me other chance to do make-up work (Summer school) So i could be put in my right grade but i failed to do the make-up work.

And ever since then i was really depressed about the way my life was at the time, I didn't even care about my life anymore. I lost interest in even doing ANYTHING even eating... and since i wasn't eating enough i started to developed anorexia.( i lost over 90 pounds from being anorexic). I wasn't really upset about being anorexic because i was trying to lose some weight anyway, I was kinda over weight so woohoo???

Anyway so now, Sometime after all of that, The administrators from the virtual school program contacted me saying they kicked me out of the program because i couldn't get the school work done. They say that it just wasn't the school for me.

Then after hearing that news my depression started to get really bad to the point where i attempted suicide twice( I tried to stab my heart out but i knew it would be really painful so i stopped, On the second suicide attempt i swallowed alot of my dads random pills and hoping for something to happen but noting happened).
So now all i been doing lately was laying down, sleeping and crying all day. This went on for months.
I've been listening to certain kinds of music so i could calm down ( which actually worked! )
After awhile some of the negative feelings passed and i got to collect myself.

But now i don't know what i should do with my life anyone know what i should do?

(btw took me 3 hours to write all of this i hope someone reads it all)

I read it - and I could have been the author many many years ago. At age 15 they diagnosed me schizophrenic - at 16 they changed their minds and said bi polar... I never made it passed 9th grade (took my GED and also got held back a grade in grammar school). I was in anorexic counseling at age 19. I tried to commit suicide three times - twice almost succeeding but there was what I now consider a higher power intervening.... have promised my mother to never ever do it again - and I will not break that promise.

OK - won't go into more details than that... but all I can say is that you are not alone in your struggles. I only shared what I did about myself (because I never ever tell people these parts of my life) because I want you to see you are not as alone as you feel.... but you reached out here and that makes you not so alone too. Especially since you can get the feedback of people like me.

I can't promise things will get easier... goodness knows I am still struggling daily. But I can ask you not to give up and stay strong. I remind myself every single day how strong I am. Most people would not survive a day in your shoes - that says a lot!

Music influences our emotions - so I am not surprised it is helping you... just please remember to not listen to the "get you down" kind of music... even if it seems tempting. Keep it up beat and positive

I don't have any real advice... but I wanted to share with you and reach out. Please take care and find someone to make that promise to - about not committing suicide... I don't break promises when I mean them... I am hoping you will do the same

Warning: I'm not very good at comforting people, but do remember that I have a good heart, okay? Even though I don't know you in real life, I hope to see you happy because I read in many books that happiness is infectious. If you are happy, maybe the people around you might become happier too. Who knows?

1. I'm in some sort of virtual school now... (Long story...) Can we call each other "comrades"?
2. I suspect that you got addicted to that video game not because the video game itself was addictive but because there was something troubling your unconscious mind. Since that thing (whatever it was) troubled your unconscious mind rather than your conscious mind, your conscious mind (supposedly in charge of problem solving) couldn't do anything about that thing at all, so your unconscious mind sent signals to your conscious mind, telling your conscious mind to indulge in something pleasurable (i.e. the video game) so as to distract yourself from the pain that the thing had been causing to your unconscious mind. Trust me because I'm guilty of all sorts of addictions.
3. Many of my female peers who are currently dating are dating guys who aren't their first boyfriends, you get what I mean? Pardon me if what I say sound cruel because I believe that you must have invested lots and lots of effort into your relationship with your girlfriends, but sometimes relationships end even when no party is at fault. Wiki "love styles" if you are free to read about why some people can start and end relationships flippantly. These people mostly subscribe to a love style named Ludus. Ludus lovers treat love as a game. If you have more time, Google "5 love languages" because I suspect that many relationships fail when both parties' love languages don't match.
4. I have gone through the "eat and sleep, sleep and eat" phase due to depression so I dare say that I can empathize with you. I left this phase behind when I started writing funny fics to cheer myself up. Listening to music is a healthy way to reduce depression, but if you play the same song hundreds of times non-stop like what I do sometimes, then it is some form of unhealthy escapism.

I am very glad to hear that


I hope all goes well with your new relationship... keep us posted now and again on how you are doing

Life even without these mental issues is a struggle. With the mental issues added its harder. Everyone stumbles, everyone fails at times, so try and forgive yourself for being human.

Sweet Pea hugs