I have fallen down a hole and I cannot get out...

Post Reply New Topic

Hello.
I'm thirteen years old,am a diagnosed aspie and I also have OCD. And I can't stop worrying.

The school I go to is a public school for mainstream quiters. It's very small. And about 4 months ago out of coming though a previous bad time I had learnt to be happy. I had 1 friend who is the only person who made sense to me on this world. Life wasn't brilliant ( it never is) but I was coping. Eight weeks ago, on Thursday, he jumped infront of a train. Instantly I became very down again. One Monday I was talking to him about dawf fortress by Thursday he wasn't alive. I still can't really get it into my mind fully. Since that day I've become more and more depressed.

I know I should not be. And it's selfish of me to be, but I feel it. I feel like there's nothing that makes me happy any more. I for the last 6 years I haven't gone out in my home town. People from my old school dislike me and I simply hate the places most NT kids my age like. My obsession is fish. Mainly fresh water. This used to make me happy. Losing myself in it but now even this gives me no joy.

My family is together but they all have mental health problems themselves. My sister had a eating disorder when I was seven. This is when my aspergers came to the surface. And my father didn't like it at all. He became abusive. But 6 years on I get on with him fine. He doesn't understand me but atleast he's there.
My mum has helped me though everything but lately she doesn't know what to do with me. My two sisters just ignore my depression.

At school I have no friends and even though we're all different there I done talk to any pupils apart from: "can I borrow a pen". So with no social contact at all I feel like I'm not useful to anyone.

Another thing that I hate about myself is I, due to my first school, is, what I call my " religous OCD". Every day I do three hours of routines that are physically and mentally demanding. But if I don't do this I am worried "God" will hurt my family or dog. I know truely this is a load of crap. But I HAVE to do it, every day.

Generally I hate life. I thought about suicide. I looked at maps to find train lines. And we have a lot of needles and syringes in the house do to using them for my fish obsessions. Alot of other things go though my mind.

I feel the only way out from this constant worry that is life. Is to end it.
But I know my mum will be devastated.

I don't know why I've typed this rant. But I cannot escape without hurting others.

Please talk to your mum and ask to see a counsellor or therapist who can help you with this. The depression that has stemmed from your friend's death is perfectly natural (especially as he sounds like the only person you felt you could trust). In my experience the news of a friends suicide can trigger those feelings in yourself especially if you've been having a difficult time before that (which is what it sounds like), and the more those thoughts circulate the bigger the depression becomes. But you can get help. You just need to ask. Don't take it all on yourself.

If you ever want to talk, I would be happy to do so (Just pm me).

When I was your age I had my own demons to fight, was officially suicidal at age 12, and have been hanging on since then. I got into the idea that 1) I was a nuisance 2) Useless things had no reason to exist 3) I was dangerous 4) I was destined to be alone in life. Friendship was selfish, if God loved everyone - what made me special, etc.

You cannot let things like this control your thoughts.
If you feel useless, then work on becoming useful - offer people help.
If you feel lonely, then be the kind of friend you want to have.
If you want to get away from your OCD then drop a little at a time. (Eg. If you have to turn around 7 times a day, make it 6)
If you are afraid God will stop loving you, then remember - God IS LOVE (deriving from that is contradictory), Life is random. Bad stuff will happen because bad stuff happens.

Try to keep in contact with social sites like these. Just expressing your feelings and interests can do wonders for your psyche.

...and you thought you could post your memoir on wrongplanet? - Dude do not give up you can use the Internet to contact the fire-department for help!




(thought a bad joke might cheer you up )

You don't know, last night I was crying so hard thinking about my loneliness. I am very moody and erratic. It's only recently that I've started to think I have some kind of communication disorders. (Before I have thought it was because my personality type is quite rare, INFJ)
I even haven't ever had any 'real' friend, anyone who is that important to me, I mean who I can really connect to. When I was in junior high, hardly had anyone ever talked to me in class. Mostly I shut my mouth all day, not saying a single word at school, because nobody talked to me. And if someone had ever talked to me just few words, I would think about it all the way home. I was happy, of course, but in front of them I didn't or couldn't show any appropriate expressions. You don't know how bad it was to me. I did try to enter some internet forums and joined the communities which share the same interest with me. Unfortunately, most of them didn't reply to or simply ignored my posts. I read them again and again and never understand what was the thing that kept me away from others. I was talking like everyone else there. Everything is always like that until now. (Hope I find my place here) But you know, I try my best to be optimistic, I have plans to change myself this year, even if just outside.)
Coming back to you. Since you appeared here and shared your story with us, I believe that you don't want to suicide, you want to find a way out, you love your mom etc. In short, you want to continue living. I did have times I thought about suicides too but I didn't do it because of my parents. At least, I live for them and the best way to make them happy is that I have to try to live for myself happily. So let's try to find a way out ha!
You feel that you're useless? You're not at all. I think you just haven't found out your ideals in your life. Go help others and go love others, that's where you will find your place. Why don't you join some charitable activities. There are many people need your helps and will appreciate your kind heart. For instance, the disabled, the elderly, the patients, the poor, the orphans etc. They must be in a more difficult situation than us, and they don't give up. I always think I'm while isolated but much luckier than people who have to suffer physical pains everyday. And adopt a pet, like a cute puppy or kitten. I'm sure you will feel much better. And I also think that why don't you turn your hobby - fishing - into some beneficial job? Think of some ideas yourself? Think about your dream, do you have any dream? It will be the thing that leads your life. Life would be very hard to live without a dream or a good cause. ( A dream? I have! I want to be a real writer or I say an artist. )
And remember, whenever a negative thoughts come across your mind, erase it and try to keep your mind blank, then talk to your mom or anyone or do any kind of work to forget it. Try a few times to get the habits and you will be much better.
In the end, don't you think that everything that happens may have its own reasons? Everything we have to suffer will eventually turn into something good, even great. Is it that we are being challenged? Everything depends on you, be brave and be calm.

I'm sorry, I feel quite silly to talk so much like this but hope that helps. (At the moment, I'm thinking about a kind of self-satisfaction theory to help people like me xD. I don't know if anyone has discovered it yet!) Hope to see your reply.

Ouch!
Losing a friend like that hurts.

Please be strong and get through this.
The advice given above byYellowBanana, KaminariNoKage etc is good,


))))))))hugs(((((((((