I need a lot of advice, the more specific the better.

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Hello and thank you for taking the time to try and help me.

So here is my background.
I am 23, about 9 months ago my wife and I separated. I kept our child and moved in with my mother (who lives in Houston) but things went badly and I now live in my own apartment with assistance from my mother. My daughter is 5 years old and goes to school. I go to college full time and work a part time job. The problem is my mother no longer wants to help me, of her 5 children I am the only one that doesn't drink, party, or do drugs. I am the only one that goes to college, and the only one with a job (though I have only been working 2 and 1/2 months).

And here is my problem...
My mother no longer wants to support me which is fine I don't want her support. But I don't make enough money to pay for my daughter's extended school before/after hours so that I can work from 8 to 5 monday through friday, my family will not watch my daughter during the weekends and her mother only watches her once every 2 weeks. My mother wants me to take out college loans of which I already have a debt of over 20k, to support myself with.

What I have done so far.
I have applied for food stamps but I need to provide proof that needs to be brought in during work hours (9-5). I have looked into a financial assistance program for my daughter but I don't think anything will come of it. I am looking for a better paying job (I estimate a need for a minimum of $15 to be totally independent and continue going to college.), though my current work schedule severely limits me.

My current goals.
Obtain a job relevant to my major (Art... lol I'm joking. I'm a Computer Science major, typical aspie right?), I want a desktop repair, intern lvl programmer/developer position.
Obtain a job making a minimum of $15 an hour.
Budget to become completely independent and self reliant.
Continue going to college full time.
Find an affordable and consistent/dependable alternative after school care for my daughter.
Find a way to get my daughter to said care program.

I can say more, but I am a bit panicked and desperate at the moment and having a lot of trouble maintaining my composure, so a lot of what I want to say would sound like a rant. My family is not an option as far as helpful resources go. I need an assistance program, or multiple ones to help me if at all possible. I know there is something out there but I have no way of finding it.

So my understanding is that your mom no longer wants to help you watch your daughter.
I understand being the most responsible sibling and the unrealistic and unfair expectations that go with it. ( Insert long unfair tragic childhood & early adult story here)
Your mom believes it's reasonable to take out loans and you think that it is not a good idea.
(I love DAVE RAMSEY he is my money guru so I HATE DEBT!! !!)

And I gather you're not able to negoatiate a deal and get off work early and go in a little late to avoid paying the amount of daycare? It may be worth it to watch her yourself rather than pay someone else if it's more than your hourly wage?

Have you considered finding a local provider or asking some of your daughter freinds parents if they have a provider for their before and after school care provider?
Just say, "Hey, you know anyone that does before and after school care?"

I'm very goal-oriented so I understand the frustration and disappintment of not wanting to slow down or change plans, but you may have to change your expectations or strategy in order to get what you need for right now. You may want to consider going to school part-time or change jobs that accomodates your ability to be there before and after school.

Those are just a few ideas, they may or may not work.

Last edited by ava777 on 23 Jan 2013, 11:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Do you feel that, somewhere along the way, your daughter might have to stay with her mother till you get on your feet?

is your [ex-]wife paying child support?

My mother and family do not watch my daughter at all so I have already had to limit my work hours to 8am-4pm so that I have time to pick her up.
Unfortunately I have already negotiated with the school to drop the price from $60 a day to $32 so now I only pay roughly $640 a month to keep her in school.
I know that sounds expensive but that's only because it is... The times are from 7:30am-5:00pm, this includes snacks and activities which is pretty nice.
I am not well received by other parents because of my impending divorce. Houston is still part of texas which doesn't really care for people trying to get out of a marriage.
Dropping to fewer hours might help, but I am so close to a science and technology associates and at least 3 certifications that will help me get at least a $15 an hour job (A+, Network+, and Security+)
Because I need to pick up my daughter by 5 at the latest (or face a $60 charge and have the police called), a minimum of $15 an hour, and my current work schedule don't really allow me to apply to new jobs.
Thought I have been applying I'm just finding it difficult to schedule an interview.

If the mother could do a good job, I wouldn't be the one that is raising her now. The mother blames our child for why she couldn't have a future, though she's done no better since being on her own, as well as constantly ignoring her, she brought my baby back to me with 3 chipped teeth because she wanted to sit at a table and read while she let our daughter run and without supervision. She just doesn't seem to really love her, she only seems to show interest when others are there. I love and take care of our daughter without anyone to impress. Besides lately baby hasn't been enjoying her stays with her mother, she tells me her mother spends all day at her boyfriends house and leaves our her with a friend (religious moron with way too many issues). I mean I don't get to spend the time with her that I would like but the alternative makes me feel like I am knowingly abandoning her. She's too smart, she deserves better than her mother. She deserves better than me, but I'm the best I can think of at the moment and honestly that makes me sad.

Just saw a new message, no the mother does not pay child support. She doesn't have any money to spare, and I don't want our daughter to never see her mother unless I drive baby to see her mom. I live 2 and 1/2 hours away from my child's mother.

I was married to an abusive man, but luckily I didn't have children with him. I know more than I want to know dealing with abusive and unhealthy people and being an Aspie makes it a lot harder to deal effectively with disordered people.

I'm sorry to hear you're having all these issues. You sound smart enough to figure it all out,maybe it's just the emotional part that's harder to deal with than the logcial.

I would recommend watching Tony Robins on youtube, he has a lot of info on dealing with emotions, which can be very challanging for us Aspies.
I would also recommmend reading In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon Ph.D. for dealing with your EX. It's very HOW-TO book.

I'm sorry I wish I had more time ,energy, and ALL THE ANSWERS would be nice too
I'm a very intelligent woman and I know I can be so much more if I had the resources to go to school.

You sound like a very dedicated and righteous dad. You should be proud.

I think maybe dialing it back a bit would be a good idea. Going to school part time rather than full time may be neccessary. You have plenty of time to finish school.

There are nonprofit organizations that may help you. Usually the best way to find a 'list' of them all is to go to a few churches in the area and speak to the priest. They can provide you with contact information and perhaps other resources. They may even help you get a better job.

I volunteer at several organizations and I always found it silly that the local state and city agencies were less informed of services and org's that help others and that priests knew them all and more.

You could also make good use of pell grants from school. Depending on your situation you could be awarded as much as $5500 a year and you are only obligated to take 1 class in the spring and 1 in the fall to receive it. Its not much but you could advance your education one class per semester and use the rest of the money (they give you any amount left over in a check) to help support your daughter.

Finally, you could also speak to whoever does your taxes if its a certified specialist. They also tend to have a lot of information on tax breaks you could take advantage of and other gov. programs.

Spare, my arse! She is legally obligated to pay child support just like any man would - she can just bust her hump and work more to pay what she's supposed to pay.

It's based on a sliding scale so the more she earns, the more she pays - it's a pretty fair system.

OTOH, you're one of the lucky ones... only ~1 in 20 dads get custody!

Indeed he is.


Some states require those that pay child support to have visiting rights to the child... not sure about his state though. If not then I think it would be wise to have the woman pay child support at least on paper. If she pays it great, if not then it works against her in any possible future attempts this woman might make towards taking custody of the child away from you (you may think she doesn't want the child but that might change later on..you never know). Having a legal precedent that she did not pay child support it will automatically block any attempts of taking your child away. Remember 'the system' is heavily biased against the father and almost always grants custody to the mother even in the most ridiculous circumstances.

i would agree - whether or not she can pay is not the issue here. it is her RESPONSIBILITY to support her child financially, no matter how she scrounges that money up.

in Canada the family courts or whatever directly pay the money to the custodial parent and they act as a go-between, basically chasing the other parent on your behalf. that way the money gets paid to the child even if the non-custodial parent is broke so the child doesn't suffer because of the deadbeat. i know you don't live in Canada, bt it's worthwhile to start filing officia paperwork NOW to ensure that all the t's are crossed and the i's are dotted. it will serve you later.

other than that, i don't have much advice. i hope you can find good work. higher student loans may be the best option, unfortunately.

I'm sorry you've gotten caught in a serious Catch-22 situation, all not your fault.

You may have to wait to take your college courses till your child is in school full time and is able to take care of themselves for a few hours.

I got a Bachelors in Science, a three year program that took me seven years, due to having two little children at the time.

I know what it's like to have done nothing wrong but still people look down on you and refuse to help, for no rational reason.

You're very strong to have a job, a young child you're raising alone, and going to college all at the same time. And not being able to cover all of the many bases without some sort of help.

If there was some way you could supplement your income, at home.... maybe fixing computers? I do such work by posting lots of ads on Craigslist, and it brings in a nice (but unstable) cash income.

If it were me in your position, I would:

1. cut down the college courses to part time, while upping the search for a better paying job and, i guess, working more hours than studying until you can hit your survival threshold.

2. as someone else suggested, call for help everywhere! Every church, every agency, hell even beg from your nasty mother.

3. would you be able to exchange babysitting hours with another single parent in your area? You would look after their kids at particular times, and they would look after yours in the hours you were working. Practically no single parent can really afford day-care, and i think with a little luck this trading-off would work.

4. would you be willing to share a house with a roommate, who could pay half the rent/utilities, and watch your child in exchange for something you can do for them? Of course you'd have to feel they were trustworthy.

Good luck to you.... bless your home and your precious child.