I am scared of myself

Post Reply New Topic

All my life I have manipulated and lied to everyone around me as well as myself. Tonight I totally lost control and started blaminig my mom for the way I act and basically made it so the whole family became hostile to me. I have Just left a job that was discriminating against me so now I am looking for a new one but I am having a hard time between finding a new job since We are as a family doing home repair but today was one of my down days and I have lost the trust of my mom, her fiance, and my younger brother as well a me not trusting myself. I truely don't know what to do anymore. I have no Idea of what profession I want to be in and I have basically burned all of my bridges. if anyone has a way that can help me it will greatly be appreceated

You've manipulated and lied to your family all your life. Why should they trust you now?

It's not as bad as you think. I recently (a few weeks ago) had a meltdown in front of my roommates (who aren't related to me) and they still accept me. A little while after, I apologized for my actions, and they told me it was OK, and ever since have acted as though nothing ever happened. And yes, they both know I'm autistic, and both knew before they voluntary and specifically chose to live with me, though I'm not sure either knew exactly what that entailed. My intuition tells me that they aren't just acting, and sincerely do still like me. Surely, your family must still accept you, especially if you apologize/ have already apologized for the things you've said. If there is one thing I've learned recently, it's that people, family or otherwise, aren't judging you as hardcore as you think they are...

Getting mad at people doesn't really accomplish anything. I mean if someone does something bad to you on purpose its justified, but in most other cases its not, its just venting your anger on others.

When you burn a bridge there is sometimes a bit of the the support beams still left under the water, where the fire couldn't burn it. Wade in, get wet and rebuild the bridge.

If it's time for you to 'get real' about everything, it's not so bad. At least with a better understanding your family will have of you, you will have the support you need to pursue a job that doesn't discriminate against you.

I'm coming from the experience of all of my life lying and manipulating so people don't find out about me. I'm so tired but it's the only way I know. The irony is that other than being smart, I'm hopelessly bad at actual manipulation because what I intend and what people experience are almost always mismatched. So I'm only thinking I'm getting away with lying and I may be so bad at it people catch on and that's why I'm treated poorly after some time anywhere I am.

So be honest, don't lie unless you can actually get away with it. For us it is so hard to tell if our lying works.

Anyway, I hope things get better for you. I know having and living with family can be both a blessing and a curse. The way forward is usually the most difficult...

Thank you guys, we did end up with a salution to the issue at hand, we ended up having me stay at a hotel for a week to see what it is like to be on my own. I spoke with my counselor and for the first time opened up about the truth about my life with all of the lying and manipulation which was extremely hard for me so hard in fact that I used so much of my mental energy that I became very light headed but I forced the truth out which I have not been able to do before. I hope that my moms fiance is doing alright. He is a disabled vet that has gone through hell and back and basically I caused a regression that had him have to call the crisis hotline. I know my behavior is not the only thing that sent him over the edge. one of the main factors was that the people who owned the house before him tried to cover up severe termite damage in th front wall of the house and they basically patched it up instead of getting the issue fixed, so when he bought the house it was not up to code and it may have delayed the exterior remodeling that we were going to get done by a contractor. we may have to replace the whole wall. so I am now sitting in a hotel room alone to think and do applications to find a job. Luckily the hotel I am staying at is hiring and there is a bus that goes by walmart and target so noticing this i know that my mom forgives me and has offered to help me with any issues that come up while on my own. so thing are looking up.

I can tell from your words that you are approaching this in a better way. Stay on this line of broader thinking and you will see a positive effect in your life and be a more positive factor in the lives of those around you.