I don't know exactly how to stop being friends with a guy

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... that I've been friends with for a few years, not just "a guy" but a specific guy. He and I have always had a certain understanding about not being able to offend one another. And really, it's not that he's offending me, it's that he's making me uncomfortable and has no idea and it wouldn't be fair for me to expect him to have any idea. But I don't want to tell him about me being assaulted, which is what I'm sensitive about. I have no intention of sharing that with anyone that I don't have to share it with outside of this message board. Some people in my social circles have been completely cut out for things they've said but I realized I wasn't really doing it on principal, it's also just that it's too hard to talk about to people and I don't think they have any right to know more than they already do.

I have developed maybe a bit of a control complex of some sort, I don't want to say "Hey, look, I was assaulted, could you not make jokes about that kind of thing?" because it opens the door to questions that he, as my friend, will expect it's OK to ask. And either I'll tell him or I'll tell him it's not his business and either way it's not fair, really, to expect him to change his behavior without understanding why I expect it. So I don't even want him around me. He's one of the few people I've allowed who knows me in real life to be on my FB that I've got linked in my signature. There are some people on there who know me in person and I let them remain or added them even though it was meant to be online people only, because I deactivated my other facebook.

I even want to delete him from that because he leaves comments that upset me sort of, not on an intellectual level at all, I know it's just harmless banter but when he says stuff about rape or violating people or even me as a joke, it's no longer funny. It makes me feel sick.


I don't think it's fair to ask him to change, even if I told him exactly why, really. I know that's who he is, and I'm the one who has had something life-altering happen.

But... how do I do it? Do I just delete him and ignore his texts/calls? There's no chance we'll run into each other again, he moved out of state, so we don't see each other in person anymore. Though he always asks me to come visit him, offers to pay for the flight etc. and even offered to fly my dog too so I would have my seizure alert system(uh, my dog is AWESOME) with me the whole time. He's a REALLY good guy, despite the things he says. He recently text me asking me to fly out to see him so "I can rape your Jew face" which honestly used to make me laugh. I know he doesn't mean it, but it makes me f*****g sick to my stomach now.

So I'm basically wondering what the hell to do to put the breaks on or end a friendship with a really good person who has done nothing wrong. Anyone got any ideas?

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If he really is a decent guy, I think you should tell him about the experience. Obviously, the rape jokes now hurt you and he needs to understand why.

From what I can judge in your post, I don't really think you want to let go of him anyway.

I do want to let him go, I want him out of my life, I just know that he hasn't really done anything wrong and I don't know the least hurtful way possible to do it.

I'm not going to tell him about the experience, it's not something I can really talk about to people I know. I can't do it mentally, but moreover, I don't want people to know about it if I can help it.

It isn't something I can or will tell him about.

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If that is the case, you're not obliged to interact with him forever. You can delete him and ignore all his calls and texts (as you suggested). But send him a message beforehand to explain that you wish to cut contact. You don't have to specify exactly why.

I think its better to tell him that it makes you uncomfortable, you don`t have to tell him why if you are not comfortable.

You're under no obligation to divulge those details to anyone you're not comfortable about sharing them with, but you should be able to say "hey, could you cut it out with the rape jokes, they're not funny anymore" without giving further explanation beyond finding them distasteful. If you're sure you want to end the friendship, given that he's out of state it should be easy to just start responding to him less and less until the point you aren't conversing anymore, at which point cutting off contact might not be such a shock to him.

If you don't really see a future for the friendship I would use Plan A.

Plan A - Surgical cut. Break off communications totally.

If you see some friendship possible under these changed circumstances he will have to be able to understand and adapt to the changes so you can try Plan B.

Plan B - Tell him you have become involved in a serious relationship with just one person.

If he gets it, and is a good guy, he should back off on the suggestions and wish you well with it. If he doesn't then go to plan A.

Rape jokes are never appropriate anyway in my opinion. I don't see why asking him to cut it out would be so out of line regardless........

I think I'm going to try a combination of the advice I've obtained from this thread. Thanks, all.

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