Almost 34, and I have nothing to show for it.

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This is a real mindf***.

I will be turning 34 in less than two weeks from now.

What did my life consist of over the last decade?

Unhealthy addictions and an endless string of DVDs and video games. As well as ringing up $34,000 in credit card debt when I had no means of paying it back.

True, I have a PT job now. That's a start.

But I feel like my life has been a complete waste so far.

I feel torn between two different emotions.

1) A mindset which tells me, "Your whole life is going to be a complete waste, so you may as well go back into your addictions and wither away silently."

2) A heightened sense of urgency - something needs to be done about my situation, the sooner the better.

This has been eating away at me in the inside for quite some time. I need to feel like I am being productive. I need to feel some degree of independence from my horrific family. I need to feel like I can be my own man, and be a peer amongst peers in the world.

My social awkwardness makes all of this all the more frustrating.

OK, I've bitched long enough. I'm not looking for cyberhugs - I'm looking for a way out of feeling like this.

Take action

Not drugs or drink or whatever
Not negative action either

First step - get that debt dealt with - written off if possible

I feel the same way.

Only I have two kids and two degrees but no hope of getting a job.

LIft weights, you already have a job.

Get better at it.

for the sake of your comfortable and secure old age, save early and save often, after dealing with your debts first. strive to avoid future debt. learn how to invest money in places where it will pay you for investing.

At least I was lucky. I was diagnosed before I had my SSDI hearing. My SSDI attorney warned me before the hearing there might be trouble, since the judge assigned was supposed to be a hard-nose jerk. Turns out, the day of the hearing, the assignment was changed, and my attorney told me before the hearing to let him do the talking. I turned 55 2 weeks before the hearing, and the judge, going by the SSA Blue Book, decided my ADL was low enough to qualify for Bipolar disorder and Aspergers. I still got Student Loans to pay back, but there was a case in Baltimore that i found doing a Google Search where a lady ran up $330,000 in student loan debt and the bankruptcy judge erased the entire loan. I filled out that paperwork, and am still waiting to hear the outcome.

As for me, I'm having to deal with Vocational Rehab regarding future employment. I'm only interested in part time since most of my family, (with the exception of my youngest brother and his wife, who have 2 low-functioning autistic children) feel that I'm a lazy bum who doesn't deserve to live. As a matter of fact, if it weren't for my church, as well as Warm Lines and the Samaritans, (I don't trust the local hospital's Behavioral Health unit, except for the therapist i currently am seeing) they would have already strung me up on the nearest maple tree and laughed while I choked to death. Needless to say, I don't bother with the family, except for my youngest brother and his wife, since they have 2 on the spectrum, and I have an Uncle on Dad's side of the family whose youngest daughter's youngest son was Diagnosed with Aspergers. I wouldn't have even bothered with a psychiatrist to begin with, if it weren't for the fact that most insurance companies don't like paying for talk therapy, since its cheaper to pay for pills than billable hours to a psychologist. I wouldn't be so brain-damaged now and may or may not ever recover, if it weren't for the fact I ended up as a guinea pig a few times for new medication (psychiatric, as well as some medication for my diabetes, cholesterol, and high blood pressure).

I'm in my early 50s and I pretty much felt the same way. Menial job, few friends, procrastinating my way through life. I've been trying to make changes in the last six months. Some seem to be paying off, some not. But you can only go forward from where you are now. You can't moan about time wasted or you're just wasting more time.

You don't have to do something huge and earth shaking. Pick one thing about your life you want to change, think of a way you can make improvements and tell yourself you'll do one thing and see where that leads. And if it fails, it's not the end of the world. Tell yourself so what and try something else.

^^^
welcome to our club OnPorpoise i'm right behind you.

Sweet Pea hugs