Not doing so good...

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I currently find myself in an almost(?) unsolvable predicament.

I'm 49 years, and just recently self-tested to find I am high on the Asperger's scale -166/200 on the aspie quiz, 35 on the AQ test.

This answers a LOT of questions I have always had about how I might have screwed myself over all these years. For the most part, I had been lucky and had folks around me whom I could rely on to smooth the rough times out a little with me, but now I find myself completely alone, broke, on the verge of homelessness, and since the self-diagnosis, becoming more and more frightened of ever pulling things together financially. And I really feel that my biggest problem is only that, financial. I've been able to adapt over the years and social problems aren't such a big deal for me anymore, I just prefer to be alone a lot. In fact, I really do like my way of thinking in comparison to what is considered the 'Norm". When allowed to just let my interests and thoughts wander, I'm a happy little guy.

But it's the money. I've never been money motivated, I'm extremely generous (to a fault) when I can be and I simply don't understand greed. To me, money is a necessary evil that we just haven't figured out how to do away with yet.

Looking back I can see where I had a lot of opportunities to set myself up with income, but I think I may have let the Asperger's traits carry me willy-nilly through life and just didn't realize the importance of fully exploiting what chances I had.

My age adds a lot to my fears, I'm beginning to feel the aches and pains, and after spending the last ten years caring for an elderly parent with dementia (Mom passed in May), I'm feeling very broken and tired.

So here I sit, with no resources (my Father actually DID leave me some money, but my sister decided it was hers.) no sell-able skills, and a new understanding of very real limitations I had always just chalked up to just being a bit of slacker.

I'll tell you honestly that the situation is causing me to think in terms of cutting my losses. Working for a living at some activity I would never think of doing on my own is virtually impossible for me. I simply CAN'T keep myself dedicated to doing something for any length of time that I have no innate interest in and get no valid satisfaction from doing. Any kind of set time appointment or expectation of me gets me all screwed up and manic. I have what? 25 good years left at most? How much of that do I really want to spend just fighting these horrible feelings just to keep a roof over my head and crappy food on my table? The way I'm looking at things now, if life isn't going to be at least somewhat comfortable after all I've already had to deal with, do I want to stick around for it?

I fully realize I sound like a whiny spoiled brat. That's what I've always told myself my "Problem" is and spent my entire adult life trying to change about myself. It didn't work and I'm beginning to think it isn't changable because it isn't just being bratty. Besides, I really haven't had it that easy money-wise to seriously call myself spoiled.

If it is just being a spoiled brat I guess I'm getting my due now. But if it isn't, and I can't find a way to cover the costs of being alive without actually selling away my life by the hour along with any joy there may be left to me, I don't know what steps to take next.

Thanks for listening, I just needed to get that out.

I love your signature and relate to much of your post.

Except the age thing.

You are between a rock and a hard place. In other words your ego and reality.

You need to connect to your values and live them imo.

I'm concerned that your basic presumption is that you place the burden of proof towards finding reasons to stick around. framing the question in that manner is profoundly depressing. I suggest you have a build up of negative "stuck" emotions and this is the issue.

You have to do some belief work.

Next step imo is to establish values.

I'm really not trying to be rude, but could you expand on that?

I seriously don't get what you're saying (I may just be blocking it out) but I DO want to understand it.

and Thank You.

Its ok.

But can you point me to the exact bit?

what i mean is you need to find some sense of purpose imo.

framing yourself as needing to find reasons to live is just a matter of conditioning. Ask the question that way and everyone want to stay in bed man.

your self-talk is not helping you out

I think I see. I know what you mean by needing some sense of purpose, but the closest I have ever come to that was as caregiver for my Mom. It was really the only time I was "Called" to step up and do something meaningful. It wasn't something I decided I needed to do, it just happened and I only recognize it as being meaningful in retrospect.

I don't find any meaning in working for money, Yes, I know the logical reason for it but the difficulties involved (for Me anyway) honestly do outweigh the payback. It doesn't make sense to me to spend your time being miserable so that you can stick around to spend more time being miserable. I CAN find joy and a sense of time well spent when I'm lucky enough to come across a project that really interests me, for money or not, but as for a sense of purpose, I guess I just don't see that in life.

Not to sound pathetic, but just maintaining myself on a subsistence level doesn't cut it. I don't really need much from life, I can feel satisfied after a good hard day in the garden, but I really do have a terrible time when other people are expecting something from me or when I'm in a position to be judged on anything. I'm obviously not a very competitive person.

I think I also see now that you're suggesting that I am over-focusing on myself? is that what you mean by "self-talk"? and is that why you are suggesting some other diversion or a "purpose'?

THAT would make a lot of sense. I do know that this same ...trouble? problem? just goes around and around in my head ALL the time. It is always like that for me when I have a problem to work out, I become obsessed with it to the exclusion of everything else. What worries me is this time I just don't seem able to 'think' myself through this and can not let it go until I've come to some kind of answer or action to take. I'm scared because I'm beginning to believe this may be an unsolvable problem.

I see it as a bad loop between the feelings of the amygdala, the reaction of the ofc and the evaluation of the acc feeding back to the amygdala.

These are three mega important areas of your brain to understand if you ever want to "out-think" problems you are too close too.

What you believe you will perceive lol so investing belief in the "unsolvability" of your issue is wholly self-defeating

You dislike capitalism and are not competitive. You are more compassionate than judgemental. I can relate.

Maybe you can find your purpose with children or charity work. Or something creative.

rumination or self talk are killers to the ASC mind - they focus you on problems rather than solutions.

They are a natural part of problem solving for everyone but in ASCs (and in depressive illnesses) they become over focused and your mind tries to use them to solve problems that are actually insoluble and leaves you floundering with no way out.

One proven method of dealing with rumination is mindfulness based stress relief - it focuses you on your sensory experience of the present to give your mind a break from rumination and over time it induces the brain to build more positive pathways so that the rumination stays a little more at bay and you can work around it better. You can get a manual with a CD - there are lots of them on amazon - or, if you can find one that doesn't cost too much, you can do a course to start you off.
MBSR is a clinical version of traditional Buddhist meditation and research has shown it to be extremely effective for many people.

some work ideas:

Have you considered caring for other people now your mum is gone? The pay is low, the work is hard but the personal rewards can be good and you clearly have experience and understanding - often the work is just a few hours a week with each person and you build one-one relationships with them. You can usually do as many or as few hours as you want. You may be able to get on a register of some sort with an agency.

Another option is to do something mindless you can think through - shelf stacking and factory work can be soul destroying but they can also give opportunities for exploring ideas and interests in your head with your time off free to pursue the more practical side of an interest because they aren't the sort of jobs that you need to keep thinking about.

If you enjoy gardening you may be able to find work maintaining other people's gardens either as a lone worker or as part of a small gardening company - you will probably need to start with labouring and odd jobbing if you go to a company without any qualifications but it may be a way in to a career.

Another job type I just thought of - one of my older AS friends does this and is very, very happy with it - security work. He did a short course which qualified him to do security at events, nightclubs, etc. He then joined a company which covers all sorts of security jobs and he chooses what he wants to do from what is on offer. He loves cricket so he does cricket fixtures in the summer, he likes working at night so he does night security which often gives him time to read (he loves to read), he enjoys alternative festivals so he does those too. The hours are irregular and sometimes seasonal but he gets paid well enough and often enough to get by pretty well.

Zemanski,

I wasn't aware the "rumination' was a well understood problem! I thought It was just me. I can see how important it is to break this rut and begin thinking in other directions.

I will definitely look into the MBSR stuff and meditation, and I have already realized that any work I might get would need to be somewhat mindless right now.

I do realize that the ten years I spent caring for a dementia patient has taken it's toll on me, and that I am still in the throes of grieving for my Mom, so I am trying to go a little easy on myself, unfortunately I'm not being given much of the luxury I need to take the proper Healing steps.

Others have suggested I try to work in caregiving, but what I went through with Mom was emotionally horrific, I can't even think of doing any more of that right now, I really need to turn it around a little now and do some caregiving of myself.

I DO enjoy gardening, and one of the options I'm considering (if I can figure out the money part) is to enroll in a very good Landscape Gardening Degree Program that has been suggested to me.

I believe the structure of an educational situation would be comforting right now, and my hope is that finding work in the field would be that much easier after immersing myself and networking in the Horticulture 'culture' of school.

Thank you both, Answeraspergers and Zemanski, I really did need to have a couple of folks just to chat about all this with.

I can see why you wouldn't want to continue in a caring role, although the emotional attachment to someone outside the family would be different - especially as you are still grieving.

People don't really understand just how deep grief can go and how difficult it is to recover - it will be adding to the rumination problem and any depressive symptoms you might have.

there are groups and therapies designed to help you through grief - it might be worth checking with your doctor if anything is available for you in your area. There may be nothing that suits you but you may find a lifeline if you are lucky and possibly even support for finding a job or returning to education - access to professionals in one field sometimes gives you access to other areas or information you might not pick up anywhere else - like little known funding bodies or organisations who support ex-carers to return to work.

If you are thinking about going back to college you will have access to services and advice not available off-campus.

It may be worth approaching their disability/equality services and asking about support - you usually need diagnosis for this but sometimes a college will support you through that.

Even if you don't get support through the disability services once you are in college you can access their counseling services, mental health services, financial services, etc

The joy of higher and further education is the holistic services they provide - they can't educate an unhealthy student so they provide lots of resources to help them stay healthy. Some colleges are better at it than others but even the smallest will have something worth exploring.