A falling out with a friend caused a panic attack.

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Okay, so here is my story.

I am completely alone, not a single friend, not close with my family, the works. Six months ago, I started writing with someone on a writing site and became super close with them, or at least, I thought we were. Anyway, this friendship got me out of bed in the morning - I was so excited to get up and sign on because it was the closest thing I had to social interaction in my life. I know that probably sounds so stupid and so lame, but I felt like it was a real close friendship and not an online one, that's how much it meant to me. Anyway, I guess she got busy with real life stuff and I got super Aspie and needy and tried to contact her all the time, and after a while had gone by I got kind of pissy and confronted her about it. I honestly had no idea how needy and desperate I'd sounded (thanks total lack of social skills!), but she laid it out for me, and made it pretty clear that I had bothered her to the point that she wants nothing to do with me anymore.

Like I said, this was the only interaction I've had with anyone for six months. I thought she was as happy and into it as I was, but I learned very suddenly and harshly last night that that wasn't the case. When I realized that I was going to go back to having absolutely nothing friend wise and that Asperger's has completely screwed up yet another good thing, I had a full on panic attack. I started hyperventilating and I was convinced I was going to die and I had to go to the hospital. Words cannot express how freaking pathetic I feel for a) getting this emotionally invested in an INTERNET RELATIONSHIP and b) for actually freaking out so badly over it that I had to be sedated. I actually feel like the most pathetic person in the world.

Here's the thing. I would really like some advice. I know this girl is super pissed, and it's also pretty clear now that I didn't mean as much to her as she meant to me, so I'm starting to accept that this relationship is over and I have to move on (thanks Valium!). That being said, I'm going to need some closure in order to move on. I really want to write her one last time and apologize for my actions, explain that Asperger's caused me to act in a way that was socially inappropriate and prevented me from picking up on her feelings until she spelled them out for me, and just say that I think she's really great and I'll really miss her.

But like ... is that totally inappropriate? Will that just make me seem crazier and more desperate? Do NT people even give a s**t if Asperger's is mentioned, or does that just seem excuse-y if she doesn't get it? I am NOT going to beg for her back or to give me another chance, it is really for closure and to be polite. But I'm unclear about whether or not it'll just make matters worse.

So, TL;DR, sorry, but ... should I write it? If not, why? If so, what should I say, and how long should I wait before sending it? Should I do something else entirely?

I'm sorry that this is the longest, whiniest, most neurotic, most pathetic post ever but this is legitimately a huge deal to me that is keeping me from functioning normally until I figure it out, so your input and lack of judgment would be TREMENDOUSLY appreciated. Thanks for making it this far.

When she wrote that you bothered her to the point that she wants nothing to do with you anymore, consider that as closure and move on.

Ah, calico24, I've been there and gone through that cycle many times and it always ends the same way. Sometimes, I'll go back and read old messages I'd had with people and feel utterly shocked at how condescending and confrontational I'd become, without any real justification for the behavior aside from some inaccurate idea that they weren't putting as much energy into the friendship as I was. I've almost never been able to repair a relationship, online or in person, after these events so I'd say it would take some sort of technique I'm unfamiliar with. Strangely, the only person I did successfully weather this phase with is someone who's got plenty of Asperger's symptoms and is diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. The ordinary person just doesn't have the time, patience or obsessive personality to put up with it, I guess and I don't blame them. I guess that's the price of ultra-loyalty, eh? Haha. My advice would be to try whichever attempt makes you happy but understand, wholeheartedly, that it ought to be your last attempt and if you're still rebuffed, you've got to move on. Also, I don't think your post was whiny, neurotic or pathetic at all and I really hope you find a new friend!

Man... Wonder if the inability to deal with relatively powerful emotions is an aspie thing. I had a situation similar to yours. I had knowm this person for three years online. I've been invested in a couple of internet friendships--one even turned into a real life relationship, so I won't comment on that too much.

What did she say to make it harsh I wonder? Did you disrespectfully comment on the nature of her behavior? Or did you say something along the lines of the friendship meant more to you than it did to her?

Context is important here.. if she in anyway doesn't consider the friendship as important as you do--let it go. I don't know your demographic or hers. Six months is not a long time; asperger's would matter perhaps to someone who is genuinely mature. You probably for your own sake--you need to take this as you having the potential to make friends (even if only online at first) and realize said 'friends' can be idiots even if your social skills are 'bad'.

When my friend ended her relationship with me, it was without a reason--or explanation and a threatening message that'd she'd call the cops if i called her when all was said and done. The person who ironically originally tried to distance that relationship was me. She said she'd be friends still--but was bullshitting me and slowly cut herself off emotionally. We used to talk for hours a day, it had dwindled to minutes. There was no explanation or closure of any sort. It was hard--but me and this person over time contemplated being more than just friends.

After investing so much energy into that situation it really taught me--don't care. There are better uses of your energy--and there are more deserving people. You can own up to what your part of it was and if you're truly sorry accept that as closure and move on. If she's even half of a friend, she'll appreciate your sincerity and accept your apology if not you should leave it alone.

Hey guys, thanks for all your input! I decided to leave her a message explaining the situation, and I think I did a pretty good job. I feel a little better just putting my feelings out there. I'm hoping sincerely that it will move her enough to make her go easy on me, but she's so pissed that who really knows. I will keep you updated and would love your continued support while I play the waiting game for her reply, assuming one is coming at all.

And greatsharkbite - thank you for putting it into perspective that six months is hardly a long time. I honestly hadn't even considered that, but once I did I realized that I'm maybe being kind of ridiculous.

I'm sorry, I should apologize. I don't think six months is a long time, but perhaps for people like us who get attached quickly (I do anyway) a few weeks or months is a very a long time and doesn't make it any less meaningful. I meant six months possibly isn't a long enough time for her to have a mature attitude towards the situation.

I don't think you're being ridiculous. I know you're venting and time probably has to let this run your course in order to get through the situation.

One friend missing another friend and feeling upset if they haven't been spending time with them isn't sacriliege to all friendships. It is a pretty common event. In my opinion it doesn't have to be a dealbreaker either by any means, even if the hurt feelings spill into their relationship. I think you apologizing is an indicator that you tried to be a good friend.. but acceptance of an apology is also an indicator of that.

No need to apologize! The reality is, you're right, it's really not a long time. It certainly feels much longer, probably because of my attachment issues, but I don't think that you were saying it's any less legitimate because of the time frame. In fact, I actually appreciate you putting it into perspective, so please don't think I'm offended or anything.