I am at tipping point

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I have had enough of it all, the bullcrap, the lies, the fakes.

I think a month or two ago I posted somewhere here that I wasn't sure if I had anger issues or something, now I think I could have, but for good reason.

There are too many d**k's in this school right now, too many people who like to take there s**t out on me because no one defends me, I'm an easy target for too many, even if I fight back, no one supports me, I'm an honest and no-trouble causing person who trys to be nice, but they don't like that, an outcast someone who's... '' weird ''.

Which is sadly becoming a more frequent occurrence now since my policy of ' sort it out Yourself, telling someone will do nothing ' is becoming more enforced in my mind, I made myself adapt to this because of past issues with me being an easy push over and when I used to tell teachers and people nothing was ever done, now if someone hits me, I hit them back, nowadays not just once, but many times until I'm satisfied we're both even.

Like last week someone whacked me on the head walking past, some older dude a year above, I then proceeded to push him, go up to him and whack him on the head twice, which he then proceed to push me and strangle me as hard as he could, some were saying he could've killed me, I don't care, atleast I died trying to protect myself, I don't have much to live for anyway.

My friends always say things against me and throw insults like idiot and stuff towards me, and always like to piss me off to the point where I consider punching them, it gets hard to control my rage at that point.

Sometimes at night alone I just sit and cry, knowing I have next to no one to talk to in real life and my future appears empty and lonley, most of my friends easily get girlfriends and are good in social situations, and theres me sitting there in the corner half- depressed, pretending I'm happy. ( I prefer not telling my mum all this, I can't get her worried with her looking after us 4 all day long )

Today some as*hole of a person I've known for years decided to again try and make me feel like s**t, it was after P.E, where he insulted me and ganged up on me for just doing nothing in Basketball, blaming me for the team's failure and branding me an attention seeker, I was quite close to bringing him to the floor and knocking the living hell out of him until he can't breath, I've fought him before, pushing him into a window, no damage was done for him against me, however.

I'm just fed up of it all, earlier I was considering just walking to the forest and sitting up a tree all day instead of going to school, not because I hate it, but I hate the people in it, too many problems there, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE I'M GONNA BURST AGAINST SOMEONE AND IT WON'T BE GOOD.

I'm definitely considering just not going to P.E, since its a stress causer lesson for me where I learn more about the downfall of humanity then I do about teamwork and sportsmanship, I've tried to intentionally get detentions by not bringing in kit but that isn't working anymore since they stopped doing that, dammit.


If by some miraculous reason You managed to survive reading to this sentence then I envy You.

Last edited by Fisplen on 04 Feb 2014, 4:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Tell your mom! PLEASE! I don't know what difference it makes but I [and probably most here] went through so much crap like that. I wish I could hug you. I DO believe that it is going to get better for autistics. I really do. I so don't know what to say . i know my kids sometimes withheld stuff because they didn't want to worry me. All that did was make me worry about them all of the time. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I am really sorry to read this. It reminds me if my school days except I never hit anyone back.
Good on you for retaliating.
Can you see a counsellor or someone who might be able to help?

I hear if You know where to go theres a person in school who specialises in this, though I'm not the type who goes up to someone and just says all my issues to them, I find it hard to try and explain what I'm feeling and what problems I have in person, only typing it up or writing it down seems to get people to see what I know, but even still not many take me seriously :/

Sites like this are really my only source of honest advice and comfort.

Yeah it is really hard to tell someone what is going on. I understand how you feel. If you could bring yourself to do it, it might pay off though.

Otherwise, it is good that you can at least press yourself here.

If say, I did get some therapy or something, during school hours, would my family have to know about it?

I've been there and done that at your age. I know that's no comfort to you but I can tell you this, it won't always be that way for you. It really won't. This, right now, is the hard part. If you can get through this, you won't ever have to go through it again.

I don't know what to tell you, really. I would say hit them back, several times like you said, but at your school that might just get you in trouble. I don't know what to tell you sweetie, except that honestly this will seem not so bad in like 30 years. Just sit back and wait, life will mess up those guys for you. Really. You won't have to do anything yourself.

My younger son used to be picked on then he started fighting back. He got to be pretty good at it too and even after he broke that boys jaw in the hallway at school one time, that didn't stop it. He had to learn a hard lesson, which is one I had to learn too. It's that some people will always be like that and you can't let them influence how you think of yourself.

I don't know where you live, but where I live there is the whole "fight your own battles" culture, and if it's like that there then you are in for a long, tough road. However, please know that there are people who care and who do support you, even if we are only pixals on the screen right now.

Kids are cruel and this is how it was for me in high school. I never actually got in a fight with anyone but I've snapped flipping desks over and screaming. Some just didn't stop no matter what. By the time we got to senior year, everyone kinda mellowed out and no one really picked on me anymore, maybe a comment here or there, but hang in there man.

As for your "friends," they don't sound like friends and I knew a kid that was exactly like you. He was hanging out with jerks but he was always the butt of all jokes in the group. Then one day at lunch one of the kids threw cheese sauce at him and he knocked the living sh*t out of the kid and never went back to them.

If you school has guidance counselors, or you have a teacher you trust, I recommend you seek them out and explain to them what's going on, and if you need to do it by e-mail, request that. This is if you don't want to tell your parents. I would probably talk to them but I understand your not comfortable with that as well as talking in person.