Victim Blaming/post about men + victim blaming

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I came across this post on tumblr,(I'll link to the original post) and I wanted to share it and maybe have some kind of discourse about this. I wanted to narrow it down to specific points that resonated with me but pretty much the entire thing... I mean I'm not black and I'm not able to really comprehend what it must be like for a male to be sexually assaulted by a woman. I've been learning a lot about this through the one person I've had any contact with from the group therapy I was sent to after my attack.

Original Post
What A Victim-Blaming World Looks Like To A Victim
How victim-blaming affects our world, and how we interact with one another. ...
by Erika Nicole Kendall

There is ranting, foul language, triggering conversation about bodies and sexual violence, and various manners of voodoo and black magic in this blog post. Consider yourself warned.

Victim blaming. The idea that a victim has culpability in being victimized. Hold on to that definition for a minute.

We’d been sitting on the phone for a little over an hour, at this point. I laid sprawled out across my bed, nail file in hand, beaten-up cell phone attached to my face, listening to him talk. I’m not entirely sure what I thought he might be doing on the other end of the phone, but I remember the point where I legitimately stopped “half-listening” and had to sit up, anxiety overpowering my obsessive desire for perfectly straight nails.

“I mean, it’s hard to say it, but I’ve been raped before.”

“Wait, what?” There was a long pause before I could finish. “What happened?”

Apparently, as a basketball player in school, he went home with one of his team mates to spend the night at his house instead of going home. That night, sleeping on the couch, he woke up to find a woman – his friend’s mother – on top of him, taking advantage of the fact that he’d developed an erection in his sleep. He was terrified, confused, and – I could tell – crushed: this was his “first time.”

He never told his mother. She’d never understand. Men don’t get raped. Men do the raping, right? She’d simply tell him to never speak of it again… so he figured he’d get a jump start on that and not speak on it at all. This left him with countless misunderstanding about masculinity, his place in society, and whether or not he should trust his own body. It led him to misunderstand what “signals” are and what part of himself allowed this to happen.

He was a kid who got a hard-on in his sleep. That’s it.

As I recall this unfortunate story, I sit here, right now, with my jaw completely and totally in my hands. I am dumbfounded.

Across my screen flew this link, and I immediately felt anxiety all across my chest, my arms and down my spine.

A few…quotes… of… interest:

Sparkling little beauties, those quotes.

I look at those quotes, and I am astounded by the naivete they display.

People far more eloquent than myself have commented on the foolishness of telling victims(and potential victims) that they have some culpability in their ability to be victimized. I’d be a fool to re-mow that neatly manicured lawn.

However, I think we need to fully understand what the world looks like in a space where it is acceptable to tell people that they can protect themselves from being raped. It’s easy to talk about the immediate consequences of a society that thinks that women invite attack by “dressing like sluts” or by “drinking too much” (and yes, I am saying “women” on purpose, despite the story above) and how wrong-headed that thinking is, but what does the world look like when you are told to live in constant fear of being victimized?

You know what it looks like? It looks like young girls, suffering from the advances of grown men who should know and be encouraged to do better, who carry their books across their chest because their breasts attract too much attention. It looks like Mothers of young girls, buying their pre-teen and teenaged daughters giant sweaters to wear to try to hide their breasts, because they “know the boys will stare.” And, right now, as someone says, “Of course they will stare!” I have to wonder – do we even bother to tell our boys (and, hell, grown men, too) how wrong that is? That no, it is not simply “hormones” and “natural urges” to gawk at and objectify a young girl because she’s got a large rack?

A victim-blaming world looks a lot like Mothers calling their daughters (or someone else’s daughter) “fast” for attracting too much male attention, instead of wondering about, asking, or checking the men lavishing attention upon her (particularly when it appears that the male in question is hella old.) I remember hearing “Mmmmmm, she fasssssss…” all the time, but not once can I recall hearing anything similar for men. Also worth noting, Google apparently doesn’t know the male equivalent of “fass.” Neither do I… and I’m pretty sure you don’t either.

A victim blaming world looks like women who disconnect from their bodies – caring for them and appreciating them – because they are going out of their way to discourage rape. You know, because they have to do what they can to assume responsibility for rape, right? A victim blaming world looks like a place here young girls are discouraged from learning about their bodies because if they actually started to love and appreciate the things about them that signal their femininity – curves, for example – then it’d be their fault that they attract attention and, eventually and potentially, rape. It’d be their fault. You know, for dressing like sluts.

A victim blaming world looks like the women who participated in this post, who thought that they were raped because they were just “too damn sexy” for a rapist to even bother to ask whether or not she deemed him worthy enough to receive her body. It looks like women who do not and may never understand that rape isn’t about you being “too sexy for a rapist to wait for your consent;” it looks like women who will never understand that this violent, reprehensible crime wasn’t about them as people, individuals, human beings at all.

A victim blaming world looks like a space where women believe that the reason they were raped was because they were too attractive and, therefore, must remedy this situation by making themselves unattractive. Throwing away makeup, no more high heels, no more fancy dresses, and no more svelte figure. (We can talk, all day, about what’s wrong with society thinking these are what make a woman attractive, but it doesn’t change the fact that this is what society thinks is attractive.) It is a space where women “make themselves ugly” by “making themselves fat.” It is a space where women cope with that fear (of it happening again) and that shame (because, you know, they have to take responsibility for their rape, too) by eating with their emotions. Except… fat women can be victimized, too.

A victim blaming society looks like a space where women, taught to perpetually fear assault, don’t know how to respond to men who say “Damn, boo, can I get that?” or the man who says “Good afternoon! How you doin’, miss?” In a victim-blaming society, every man is Schroedinger's Rapist – every man is a potential rapist, and I have to treat you as such. A victim-blaming society also is the space where the victim is also chastised for being an angry and bitter Black woman for not speaking to said potential rapists. We are expected to swallow our fear and efforts to protect our vulnerability so that we can speak to you, potential rapist, because how dare we not respond to you?

A victim blaming world looks like a place where men can be victimized, and because we’re so used to women being the victim… we don’t know what the hell to do with male victims. Do we… tell him it was his fault? Do we… give him the screw face and tell him he should’ve gone home? Do we… question his manhood for being overpowered by a woman? (Remember, we tell men don’t hit women.) Or do we high five him and tell him “Dude, old chicks are the BEST first time! I had one my first time, too!” And, do they never understand that this, too, counts as rape?

A victim blaming world looks a lot like a child-ass curfew for a grown ass woman. Because she’s not supposed to be out after dark anyway.

A victim blaming world looks a whole hell of a lot like women who intentionally avoid alleys, construction sites, overpopulated street corners, large groups of men and certain stores because they are notorious for catcalling and street dominance. We don’t say “Hey, guys, you don’t show your masculinity by publicly dominating and embarrassing a woman.” We tell women “Dress in a manner wholly unacceptable to you to avoid being raped.” Because, of course, they have responsibility in this, too.

I said this a long time ago, and I’m saying it again – not only is rape about a rapist having control, but victim blaming is about controlling the female population: what better way to cajole women into standards of purity, decency, “learning how to behave” and sobriety than dangle the threat of “Well, if you don’t, you’ll surely invite rape upon yourselves?” What better way to get “these hoes” and “these broads” to understand that they don’t “know how to behave” than to help drive home the point that rape happens because women do bad things? Better yet, bad things happen to women who aren’t perfect, or at least striving to be. And who defines that “perfect?” Certainly not women.

That’s what “rape responsibility” and “victim blaming” look like – each phrase looks like another way to tell women that they can have the very essence of their humanity, femininity and womanliness taken advantage of if they don’t adhere to society’s standards. The message cant simply be that we need to lay the blame at the foot at potential rapists to take control of and responsibility for themselves and stop raping, no… it’s “you do things that invite rape… like leaving your house.” You aren’t an “acceptable” rape victim if you a) weren’t chaste before the attack; b) wore anything above the knee; c) wore anything form fitting (mind you, all three of these are marks of whoredom); d) were out past your grown ass woman society-imposed curfew (only whores are out after dark); e) had on red nail polish or red lipstick (only whores do that, of course); f) do anything that requires you to leave your house unaccompanied by a man (you lesbians? y’all are out of luck, here); g) are an actual prostitute (they’re whores for a living… of course they deserve to be raped.)

Think about how many women you know who break those rules on the daily. Now, think about the fact that, of the few rapes that are actually reported, only 20% of those actually end in conviction. While that may speak to the theory that many acts that are reported aren’t actual rape and the jury was simply effective in figuring that out, that kind of fail rate also means that more than a few actual rapists are walking these streets with us… and therein lies the rub.

When will we ever see advertising, blog posts, books and TV specials telling men how to be men? How to treat women with respect – yes, even when they show little respect for themselves (whatever that means), we should still feel called on to respect them – and how to value sex that consists of two people who are sober, able and capable of feeling and expressing not only passion… but consent? How to take no for an answer? How to appreciate but not objectify? How to safely approach a woman you’re interested in without being creepy, being obnoxious or making her feel like she needs to break into a full on jog to get away from you? When will the media ever set its sights on telling men how to be men for men’s sake, instead of telling Black women to be what men want them to be… because the height of Black womanhood is “finally getting a man?”

We’re won’t. We will, however, see perpetuation of the “there are no Good Black Men” myth. Women will desperately seek out one of the remaining twelve Good Black Men, jumping through various hoops and contorting themselves like Cirque du Soleil acrobats (or Magic City strippers, take your pick) to be deemed worthy. Other women will snag whatever raggedy man they “can get,” ignoring his faults because they have fallen for the “get a man” mentality: they believe that “the worst thing a Black woman can be is alone.”

And that’s why I know things won’t change. After hundreds of comments, the original author of the post didn’t take it upon himself to apologize for throwing grenades and smiling at the damage (I’m sorry, but bringing up potential server costs and popularity – Facebook likes, son? – is not only tres gauche but tacky as every available f-ck.) Instead, he apologized for “being so flippant.” His male privilege flew out of his zipper, and he’s sorry that you’re offended by the sight of it, but at least you get to see how big it is. Stop playing… ’cause I’m still not impressed.

A victim blaming world looks like a space where a grown ass man can bring up rape on a “humor” website, say he “definitely reached for the inferences” he made about the article he read that “inspired” his post, say he “shouldn’t have brought it up” on his site and pair that with bragging about the hits the post got him as well as “all this success has undoubtedly made my large head even bigger.”

It’s a world where we use sexual violence to garner attention, and wax faux-apologetic for it. In the words of the great philosopher, Pharrell, “Got damn. It’s a new day.”

Y’all can have that, though.

Excerpted from What A Victim-Blaming World Looks Like To A Victim | A Black Girl's Guide To Weight Loss

Life has been hectic lately, and not because I have loads of stuff to do, but because no matter what I do, I can't help but notice societal messages that I used to make little to no note of...

Even the podcasts I listen to as an alternative to watching the 24/7 news cycle, I think one of the less serious podcasts did a short episode on the debate about how young is too young for a girl to wear makeup. That whole argument makes me sick for many reasons, but it's not a conversation that is happening hear so I will refrain from elaborating on that in this context.

Everything is so gendered in the media(the most broad definition of "media", is what I'm referring to.) and then the same thing happens in my relationships(which are all hanging on by a thread at this point) and people don't like it at all when I go on about it. I made some artwork for my close friend to give to her friend as a housewarming gift. The girl who received the artwork loved it so I made some more in exchange for some diet coke and a bag of various fruits.

The girl said the art was "so raw" and "aggressive" and she was just pleased as punch. Then she found out I'm a female, when she met me, and later decided that the artwork was vulgar and crass and I was trying too hard to be "edgy". When she met me she was confused, and kept saying she was shocked to find that I am a female. She didn't intend for me to see her facebook comments where she said that, I'm not mad or hurt, and I don't think she was trying to be mean. The thing that is getting to me is that I expected it, I suspected she thought I was a guy due to some comments I read on my close friend's facebook(I don't use that account, I just wanted to log into it to see what the girl said, but I didn't add her since I don't do anything on that FB account but lurk) and I really did expect if she ever met me she would judge the artwork by a different set of standards. I didn't expect her to say that, and I didn't expect to see it, but I am also not shocked at all. It's really a normal attitude that a lot of people in this area have. All of these implied gender roles... I felt it less when I lived in Minnesota, but I really only lived there for brief periods(3 - 4 months, a few years in a row) so that might be why.

I think it's just really heavy on me right now because of what's going on(feeling like I'm the one being put on trial at this point) and the specific region of the country I live in...

I've thought about talking directly to certain members here who I am certain are comfortable with the topic but I feel like I don't have a real life at the moment(everything feels... I don't know, everything is so surreal right now.) and I don't really know how to tell when I'm messaging/talking to someone too often or for too long, and I'm actually afraid of putting strain on the friendships I've become apart of here on WP(people I PM and stuff) because of how I've become an accidental expert at ruining my friendships in offline life.

I can just talk about stuff here and if people aren't into what's being said they can just back out of the thread or whatever. It's less confrontational and demanding than sending a couple of PMs.

I dont get why people blame the victim at times it sometimes makes me think they favor the violator. Its like when people get conned and scammed instead of helping the people who get conned or scammed or given sympathy they get ridiculed blamed and disrespected!

Good sobering read. Thank you for posting.

I think people want to believe they aren't vulnerable to really bad things happening to them, so when rape or robbery or whatever happens, instead of dealing with the feelings of personal vulnerability, they find some way to believe the victim made his or herself vulnerable.

When in reality, we're all vulnerable, and preparedness is sometimes a lifesaver, but you can't prepare ahead of time for some things.

EDIT: Ooops, never mind. Read it more carefully. I agree with it 100%. It definitely includes male victims, too, which I think a lot of similar articles do not.

Male-male sexual harassment is a serious problem in the military, among other places. There was an Army Major who recently went to court martial for raping well nigh near 20 soldiers whom he caught alone after dark.

OP, although you seem to live in East Texas, not far I grew up, I really agree with most of what you say, which is surprising. I thought I was the only raging lefty from the area.

I feel like the gender stereotypes you talk about hurts men as much as it hurts women, and I'm glad your recognize this also.

Right here.

My husband once went so far as to tell me he would treat rape as adultery-- that if I ever got raped (I enjoyed walking alone after dark when I was younger), he would treat it the same as if I had deliberately and willfully cheated on him.

I told him to pack up his s**t and get the hell out of my house.

He hemmed and hawed and explained himself until I gave in and let him stay.

That is one of the great regrets of my life. I love that man, I love our kids. But I wonder what my life could have been if I had not allowed myself to become the property of a narrow-minded, insecure, possessive, socially constructed goddamn fool.

Oh my god. That is disgusting. You're still with him? Has he changed his mind about anything?

As for the OP, just in case anyone tries to make the whore justification to you, throw this at them. It's a study that concluded that women who dressed more conservatively are actually bigger targets, as they are perceived as more submissive and weak. Women who dress "like whores" are seen as aggressive and dominant.

I am a bit confused about how a story about a male getting raped ties into...the attitude that women somehow invite rape by dressing slu*ty or whatever else. Except that in both cases there is victimization involved and the possibility of victim blaming. Also while there is the danger of being raped, assulted or otherwise harmed in general its probably not the best idea to treat every male as a potential rapist....especially when the first story in the OP clearly shows it can happen to males to, and sometimes females can be the culprit...should males treat all females as potential rapists? I prefer not to assume everyone is there to harm me as that would make my anxiety much worse, I am still cautious and don't trust people in general but assuming everyone is out to cause me harm would make it even harder for me to venture out of my house. I have enough trouble with that if I get anxious in public.

I guess I'd have to say I think rape and victim blaming are terrible things, however it seems the direction of the rest of the OP after the initial story.....is trying to tie victim blaming specifically into the issue of females getting raped and having it blamed on how they dress, that they should have been covered up better or whatever which is a serious issue as well but victim blaming applies to other situtions and male victims get blamed as well. It's just confusing the way its organized, and what exactly the point of it all is.

The whole thing is a diatribe on how rape is treated by society in general. The author is challenging the paradigm, basically. I find it incredibly interesting how gender assumptions play a part in the issue, myself, as both the author and meems went on to talk about.

It's about rape culture, victim blaming is a part of rape culture, and it effects both men and women. I don't see how the two issues can be considered separate.

And treating males as potential rapists is a part of rape culture, because women specifically are taught that it is up to them to behave in certain ways in order to avoid being sexually assaulted, so from a very young age a lot of women learn that men are not safe. It's not a conscious thought of "He might rape me." but the idea is drilled into your head not to trust unfamiliar men and to have boundaries even with close male friends, as a female. All of these precautions, because a lot of women(and men) are going to be raped in their lifetime and it is an accepted part of American culture. Instead of focusing on preventing people from becoming rapists, we seem to put all of the focus on avoiding being raped/the victims of sexual assault.

Another part of this is that a staggeringly low amount of rape cases are actually reported, and end up in court. Of the cases that are reported, when the victim does follow through with pressing charges, it's unlikely that the charges will stick. If it ends up in court, even with a guilty verdict, sentences are very very light for the nature of the crime. Even with that closure, the victim has to go through the nightmare that is the whole process of seeing the rapist through trial. And it is a nightmare, not just for me, not just for people I've heard from, it's easy to find this information online or in a library. It's a f*****g nightmare.

So that puts added pressure on women who are aware of how difficult it is to seek justice after a rape, because if we can't avoid sexual assault/rape, it's not like there is much we can do about it. But rather than focusing on changing these things, in American culture at least, it's pretty normal to teach girls and women they have to be careful to avoid this happening to them. That's rape culture and it's all tied in together.

I suppose that clears it up a bit more and I certianly cannot say I disagree.

I guess I am more confused about how the first part, matches up to the rest of the article don't think its totally seperate issues just wans't sure why there was the inclusion of the initial story, as if its being used as an example of what the article talks about....but maybe for that particular article a female example would have made more sense unless it was just making the point it doesn't only happen to females.

But I imagine the victim blaming for a male who suffers that would be a little bit different, like rather than being blamed for dressing to skimpy, they might be blamed for not being masculine enough or something.

That said I think it would be better to try and prevent it from taking place, however I certianly am not going to risk wearing my more revealing clothes in some areas of the city I live in any time soon. But taking precatiouns should be something one does to make themself feel safer and more of a personal choice.......it shouldn't expected that females don't wear certain clothes to avoid someone taking advantage because that is kind of saying dressing that way gives a rapist an excuse but that's clearly BS since its illegal and wrong to force sex on someone regardless of what they are wearing.

Rape in general is an enormous problem in the U.S. armed forces. I had previously thought the numbers of male on male sexual assault were much higher than male on female because overall the armed forces is comprised of about 85% males. Although I'm probably remembering that from the documentary "The Invisible War" and since it was so full of information I doubt I remember many specific numbers with much accuracy.

The women in that film who told their stories... and some men, I had no idea how "the chain of command" actually worked for cases of sexual assault, but it seems having the commanding officer of the victim decide whether to go any further with the charges(especially when the commanding officer is the person being accused of the sexual assault) seems to be a big problem in that regard, because most of them dismiss the cases before they can go any further. For women, they were harassed and shamed and subject to abuse if they pushed the matter, etc. For men, there wasn't even an option of reporting it, they would be subject to harassment and abuse from most if not all of their fellow soldiers, and labeled gay. They would be seen as weak and worthless basically. One of the guys hadn't told anyone for thirty years, until he told his wife. He had PTSD for thirty years without being able to tell anyone or get help for the lasting impact it has had on his mental health.

The statistics for rape of females in the armed forces is 1 in 3 women have been raped. I don't know what the statistics are for males, but it seems there should be a big push to get that information out to teenagers and young adults who might have no idea how common rape is in the armed forces. It seems it's somehow super unpatriotic to talk about it. The group of female soldiers who attempted to sue for the sexual harassment they had been subject to had their case dismissed, as the judge decided that sexual assault is a workplace hazard for soldiers. I think if the rates of rape and sexual assault committed on U.S. soldiers by fellow soldiers were stated to all people interested in joining the military, as well as the status of this as being a workplace hazard.... I think at least that would be the humane thing to do when some kid is thinking of enlisting.