It's been 2 months and I'm not doing any better.

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Two months ago today my best friend stabbed me in the back and threw me away after telling me that me and her would be together for ever... Every night I go to sleep I cry because she's not there. I have no appetite.. I'm barely able to pay attention to my classes and I've exhausted all of my friends with endlessly talking about her. I've lost over 20lbs my hygiene is suffering and I've gone hugely into debt trying to buy my way to distraction.

Nothing I read online seems to help.. nothing that I've read in books seems to help.. and no one I've talked to seems to be able to help.. I now go to two difference councilors.. and neither of them have been able to help me.. they just seem to get frustrated because I want things either to go back the way they were.. or I want to curl up in a ball and never leave the house again.. why are those two options so bad?! I don't want to be told Theres more chances.. you're still young.. blah blah blah.. I want my friend back... I want her to be safe and I want her to change her mind and realize that she really did mean all those things she said to me...

No one seems to understand why I'm not "Getting over it" since it's been 2 months.. and I keep trying to tell them the only thing that will cause me to 'Get over it' is for it to go back to the way it was before.. for her to apologize and come back and help me rebuild what we had together.. why is everyone constantly telling me that my expectations are too high.. that I'm wrong for having trusted this person.. or that I need to understand that people make promises they don't intend to keep.. that's wrong.. thats WHY people make promises they don't intend to keep.. because no one holds them to their word.. this is leading to my friends getting mad at me and I've already lost several... I'm quickly getting more and more isolated.. and even my mom doesn't want to talk to me about this anymore.. she doesn't want to talk to me about it because I'm not "getting over it"... even though I keep telling everyone the only way for me to get over it is for it to go back to the way things were before... I can deal with it having a few more scars.. but I need it back like it was.. I need my friend back in my life.

I'm going to wind up flunking out of college because I can't concentrate on anything but her.. I spend my classes and my school supplies writing her endless letters which I never mail and that all say the same thing... and if I fail school I lose my financial aid and then I'm stuck in this little sh***y town for the rest of my life with no jobs and no prospects and having to see my best friend holding some one elses hand in Wal-mart...

I'm running out of ideas as to how to try and fix it.. I don't want to go through the hassle of meeting new people.. I want my friends to stay my friends and I want her to come back...

we were supposed to be each others heroes forever and ever.. not just for one day..

I don't know what to do anymore...

It took me years to get over it. Do whatever it takes to get through school or you will end up like me - working 2 full-time jobs to make a living wage. It gets a lot better but takes a long time. These people who say people should quickly get over major losses are heartless people and probably toxic regarding relationships. Hang in with the school. Work through the pain. Save yourself.

Hi, some people are just very much feel-and-texture right brain. They 'feel' their way to a decision. So . . . she might have meant it at the time and didn't have the skills to disengage in a decent way. This is not great but might be a large part of what was going on.

And we spectrum people are intense, which might be great in the beginning of a relationship, but then the person might feel we're cutting them off from the world or that I'm making them choose between the world and me, which isn't true. Often, I welcome someone who has some bridge skills. Or, it might be misunderstood that I need a lot of alone time to emotionally process. So, it might feel that I'm both cutting her off from the world and not giving her the attention she needs.

Most likely it is over but . . . a decent straightforward letter might have a 1 chance out of 10 of working, and it might be well worth taking that one out of ten, especially since you're writing letters anyway even though it does sound stressful. Maybe try to remember some of the good times and if there's something maybe you need to apologize for include that, and then maybe how she hurt you, and then you'd like to try again and perhaps how. And I'd keep the entire letter two pages or less. It would just be the first step of a dialogue. again, probably just outside chance.

that's actually the first time anyone has suggested that I actually send a letter to her.. problem is I don't actually know her address.. I just know how to get to her house.. sort of one of those things I never had any need to send her anything before...

The thing is I realized that part of my problem.. is that say hypothetically something really bad were to happen.. loss of a parent or something.. I cannot think of anyone other than her who I would want to talk to.. because she's the only person I've ever met who gets me.. maybe not 100%.. but better than 80%.. and I think I get her about 80%.. but it's that mutual 40% out of the 200% that caused this problem.. she just.. is more broken than I realized.. and I my inexperience combined with her enthusiasm lead to disaster..

There are probably a lot of thoughts going on in your head right now. Why would someone be so cruel? Why did they do it to me? Can I ever get what I had back? Some of these questions you might never know--you may never find out why this person was such a dick to you. But you can find someone who will be better to you. Someone who you deserve. You don't deserve someone who will stab you in the back, betray you. People aren't always nice, sometimes they are awful and selfish, mean and inconsiderate--but people aren't always mean either. If you're constantly thinking about and indulging in writing to your ex, you aren't letting yourself be distracted by or liking another person. Sometimes distractions are good. Avoid her. Join clubs, activities, meet people. If you aren't letting yourself think about your friend, you can train your brain to stop making your friend your default thought.

Good luck, you deserve better. It will take time, but you'll get there.

And it might be good for a friend to act as an intermediary and deliver the letter. If you deliver it yourself it might feel to her like stalking, even though it is not.

And the ironic thing is, is that a friend who does not the the patience (or skills) to listen might be quite willing to do the actual physical work of delivering the letter.

The best choice might be some place at school to give it to her if she takes classes. Tied for second place might be either her work or home address. And the friend ought to be able to do the leg work of finding the address. I'd keep it between three-quarters of a page and a page and a half. And it's a bit of a long chance and what feels right to you if you decide to go this route.

I don't really know if I have any true advice, but I went through this exact same thing just 2 or 3 months ago myself.

The difference is, for some reason, I was only sad about it for a week. Then my heart hardened and I started to really hate this girl. Now the mere thought of her makes me sick. How the hell could these girls string us along like this? It makes no sense. That's what we get for trying to be good men.

Doubt you're asking for advice.. truth be told there isn't much to say in this situation. You have my condolences, a break up or end of a relationship is seen by some as the emotional equivalent of the other person dying.

I don't want to say time will heal all wounds, but it does--and it will. People shouldn't expect you to just "get over it" thats rediculous, it'll happen when it happens.

You probably need to focus on what her "healthier" state of mind would want for you--to finish school and to do well.

It could have been a quasi-abusive situation in which he took advantage of her vulnerability. And/or, she may have felt more accepted by someone who is also a fellow drug user. It very much could be both, and that becomes tricky, and she may very much blame herself.

Your odds actually slightly increase with someone else involved. I mean as opposed to her just deciding the relationship is not working out.

The question is, can you accept her as the messy, fully-textured, imperfect person that she is, and can you trust her enough for a relationship to work? And actually, for people who have alcohol or drug problems, I favor an approach of controlled drinking or controlled drug use. I am very much in the minority on this.

we tried the controlled drinking thing, but as our relationship progressed I was having to more and more forcibly cut her off. What started out as having 1 or 2 screwdrivers or vodka and cranberry suddenly turned into 2/3rds of a bottle of Mr. Boston.. I never had a problem with her drinking till she felt good.. it was when she was getting so black out drunk that she was passing out waiting for me to put a condom on that I knew there was a problem.. so I stopped stocking anything more potent than a 6 pack.. but that didn't suit her so she just quit doing it all together and then got angry.

That's the other part that worries me.. I am not sure I could trust her enough to make anything, even just being friends again, work out. I can't say for sure right now that I wouldn't just lash out the first time we had a fight and fire off another purposefully hateful salvo designed to hurt her.. The thing is though.. even when I did that.. I didn't use her past against her.. i used her present actions to postulate a probably future and then wished it on her..

And he definitely took advantage of her.. see that's just the thing.. he'd just gotten out of a relationship with a girl who brow beat him and constantly accused him of wanting to sleep with my friend.. There was an obvious attraction between the two of them.. and simply put he was 100% available 100% of the time where as I had just lost access to my car and was in class for 5 hours 4 days a week... and then had homework... So she either could come and stay at my house and be bored and play facebook games waiting for me to get home from school and then waiting for me to do homework.. or she could stay home and get high and he'd buy her all the booze she wanted and supply her with all the pills she wanted.. I don't even have any hard evidence that this is what happened.. but it's by and far the most likely thing..

Her drinking was getting worse, she was burning through a pack of cigs a day.. I cut off her booze.. I know she slipped up and bought pills at least once.. My car died and he moved back in across the street from her.. it all happened in the course of about 2 weeks time and after those two weeks the whole thing just took a tremendous nose dive right into the side of a cliff.

I'd like to think I could trust her again... but it's going to take my ego a while to get over being replaced for the peice of s**t she replaced me with.. and thats the major hurdle right now... I think ultimately the only way for me to trust her again is for her to remove that guy from her life entirely.. to realize she made a mistake.. and I am not sure that will ever happen.. cute girls I've found seem to have a problem with owning their actions when they don't get their own way.. cause there is always some other guy willing to do what you aren't willing to do.

Okay, it sounds like she's made her choices. She did not try in enough different ways to find things which feel just as robust, meaty, and substantial as alcohol and drugs. And I don’t mean trying harder which is usually a trap, but trying diagonally and light-touching a variety of different new things. And chalk one up for the dose-measured aspect of smoking marijuana (standard proviso: where legal), whereas alcohol and pills can have delayed effect which hits people big.

I like how you argued with her. That you didn’t bring up her past, which is history, but you did bring up her future. Most likely, it sounds like the relationship is over. Please try and be open to remembering and appreciating some of the good times. One possible open field might be if you plan how to argue with her in the future, being strong and yet still being decent.

Yeah it could very well be over.. It's a real possibility.. she could wind up being like some of the people my mom knew back in the 60's who just never quit doing destructive stuff and eventually they never got anywhere with their lives.. sadly most of those were women because they simply didn't HAVE to do anything with their lives.. there was always some increasingly low quality or abusive mate who was perfectly happy to take them so long as they put out and kept his shirts ironed..

It's just one of those things I suppose.

But it doesn't feel like the end.. and her mom told me it probably wouldn't be.. would just take her time to get over being angry at me for not just falling in line with her plans.. It's something for the future though.. and I guess we'll see..

Her mother may be being optimistic, hoping that she gets back with you because you're the better man.

And it is very hard to give advice to someone who you used to be in a relationship with (maybe if the person asks and maybe if you preface it with "We're different people. I'm not saying what you should do, but if it was me . . ")

Now, she may get lucky. Yes, if she continues a downward spiral with big time drug and alcohol use, the most likely scenario is that she will get involved with increasingly lousy men. But, she may get lucky and connect with a medium user who's a thoroughly alright guy and who tolerates her heavier use. Just like on the other side of the coin, a woman on an upward spiral of college and law school may get unlucky and meet up with a guy who ends up being just a first-rate jerk.

Regarding the prospects of getting back together, perhaps if you like her precisely because of her broken spots, or at the very least if they add quirks and personality to the whole package. And if you do get back together, don't try and put her in a box of being 'good.' Because if it's drugs vs. boredom, eventually the drugs will win. Maybe she has enough positives that medium heavy use and some binges are worth it. She does have to view your future and your plans as important, too.

The parents are going to say or think or believe that their primary loyalty is to their daughter, but . . . there has to be a better way. For starters, you're a future in law if things work out very well. Plus, it seems like the relationship just has more chance at the beginning if you go in with a more realistic view.

Now, where you're saying you were just doing what she asked you to do, I'm assuming that's where you limited the alcohol to the equivalent of a single six pack? If so, that's where we might get to someone on her part overly trying to be 'good.' It's kind of like a 'sinner's mentality' where a person bounces between attempts at abstinence and binges. And that's where a person needs to look for open fields which are potentially just as exciting or more so than drugs. (and I think actually give themselves permission to binge which makes it less exciting and less appealing)