soulburn.

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How does one quantify the memories trapped in a ones brain? good, bad, memories. Doesn't really matter. They are there. They hurt, they cheer you, they make you pause and then get sad when you realize the cause of those memories is gone. Blocked from your life. Forever.

The bitter watches of the night, the same time when Eowyn dreaded her life as the bearer of the children of Rohan rather than the winner of glory in martial exercises. I never wanted martial glory, but I did want a simple sort of life. I'm going to school to study a subject I love an am passionate about, it may not make me rich, I wish I was one of those who was into math and science or computer programming.. but I'm obsessed with humanity and the things we do. I'd be able to cope being a highschool teacher. Sure, most of my students would hate me or just not care.. but those few who did would make it worth it.

I thought I had found some one who understood and supported that passion. She was passionate too. She wanted to go into the medical field.. she tried to help the elderly.. but couldn't cope emotionally.. so much death and loneliness.. who could blame a 20 year old for not wanting that to be her future? To spend every day taking care of people who may be dead before you come back to work the next day.. that made me realize what a beautiful soul she had.. she wanted to help these people who had for all intents been abandoned by their families.. she volunteered to spend time with them at the retirement home.. but she couldn't deal with seeing them die.. day after day. It made me love her so much.

She was smart, damn smart, She picked up on what I was talking about in nano seconds.. she knew.. she understood.. it made me love her so much.

She understood my problems.. she knew just how to calm my meltdowns... she knew just the words to say and just the spots to touch to make me calm as a lamb.. she never raised her voice at me.. just calmly accepted me as I was and squeezed me tight like an anaconda. I did the same for her. Whenever she had a problem, I would be there and I knew just what to say.. I knew if I stroked her hair it would calm her.. I knew if I massaged her lower back it would make her quiet and i knew if I held her tight like I was afraid of some one stealing her it would make her feel safe.

Some one did steal her, or rather, she stole herself. I still don't quite know why.. I know I've blame the guy she's with now.. and I've blamed her substance abuse.. and I've blamed myself.. ultimately though there isn't anyone to blame but her. That hurts. Blaming some one for hurting you who you love so much you would die for them, or rather to love them so much you would do anything to live for them.

"She weren't no trouble... "

Now all is darkness. My anger keeps me from completely losing the whole theater.. but I've pretty firmly lost the plot and the script and the projector. all I have left at this point is the concession stand.

Everything reminds me of her, I've tried to focus on the positives, but they just make me sad.. better than the negatives which just make me angry. It's been a week since my last breakdown over this and I'm afraid.. very afraid.. I'm afraid if I can't find a handle to grip on this that i'll have no choice but to go back to mental health.. back to pills.. which means risking impotence and the sacrifice of even the potential for another relationship later in order to cope with this one.

I've applied for UGA.. I'm reasonably certain I'll get in.. I'll move to town.. I'll finally be in a place with lots of people and lots of stuff to do.. lots of places to talk to people about books and lots of places to listen to music.. but it's not this day.. I have to find out how to cope with the next 6 months until August.. I have to find out how to cope with sleeping alone one more night... I have to find something.

That's ultimately what the problem is. I've realized now that the reason I loved her so much is that she felt like home. It didn't matter where we were.. in her house.. in my house.. in a hotel in Tennessee 4 hours away.. when I was with her I felt like I was at home. She made me feel like I belonged, like I was was needed, like I was important. She told me everything i wanted to hear, I let down all my defenses and I smothered all my fears and I believed her entirely.

She tore out my mind and burned my soul. She left me for dead and moved on. I don't think she wanted to.. but I don't think she could help herself. I think that's the tragedy of the whole thing. I think she used me to get out of her last relationship and then did exactly the same thing to me.. meanwhile I thought I had rescued her.. I thought I had protected her.. for the first time in my life despite my masculinity issues and my body dysmorphia.. that I felt weak and small and like I wasn't a real man.. she made me feel like I was all those things...

Nothing in my entire life as felt as important as holding her.

It's the ones you love the most who can hurt you the worst.

I don't want to come across as thinking that my problems are worse than anyone elses.. I didn't lose a limb in a war.. I'm not starving to death.. I'm not dieing of a wasting disease.. yet it feels like I'm doing all these things.. it feels like part of me is missing. It feels like if I were to reach under my shirt and touch my chest there would be a hole on the left side where a pound of flesh had been cut out. Nothing but a void. Plenty of people have told me that I can fill it with time. But I don't know if I beleive them.. I'm afraid that I finally learned my lesson.. I'm afraid that I finally learned to stop being Charlie, to stop being Frodo, and to start being Hank Riordan and John Galt.. I'm afraid I've learned the wrong lesson from this. I'm afraid it's going to make me a selfish and mean person.

I would have done anything for my friend.. I'd have marched to the very gates of hell and knocked on her behalf... I'd have done ANYTHING for her if she had asked.... anything except treat her like she was less than human.. treat her with less respect than she deserved.. choke her.. beat her.. or encourage her self destruction. I'd have given up my passion to help her.. if she had asked me.. I'd have sacrificed everything.. I'd have given her all.. and kept none..

I know that I'm still supposed to play some further part in the cosmic symphony.. or I wouldn't be here.. I just don't know what that part is.. I wish I did.. so I'd be able to mark the days off.. it would make it easier.. to know that I'd be able to do my bit then recede into the darkness behind the curtain..