[Long post] Time for me to thrash things out...

Post Reply New Topic

1. I love my parents and I'm 100% sure that my parents love me, but they keep accusing me of "thinking too much" whenever I try to explain to them how badly their mood swings frighten me. As far as I can remember, my parents rarely remain in the same mood all day long. When they are in a good mood, they shower me with praise, they spend lots of money with me, they seem genuinely interested in knowing more about my life has been... When they are in a bad mood, they sometimes vent their anger on me although I have done nothing to provoke them into anger. Sometimes, my parents suddenly flare up while I'm telling them perfectly innocuous things. (They accuse me of "being too gossipy" or yell stuff such as "WHY ARE YOU SO VICIOUS???" or simply storm off.) My parents' parenting style has planted the notion that "All humans are soooooooooo unpredictable." in my mind. If you have read through my old WP posts, um, you might have come across posts about how I'm frequently bullied from preschool till high school. Bits and pieces of bad experiences here and there have already snowballed into one big snowball that never fails to remind me how scary and unpredictable the world can be. So far, I have been interacting quite well on WP, but in real life, I avoid interacting with people whenever possible because I'm so scared that I might provoke them into showing me how nasty they can be. I usually rehearse conversations in my head even before I speak to my own parents. As soon as any conversation steers away from what I originally intend it to be like, I might appear perfectly fine on the surface but deep inside me, I can sense myself panicking because I can no longer stick to those scripts in my head.

2. I no longer expect people to love me, to appreciate me, to like me, to view me as "a good person". I merely expect people to treat me courteously. If they can't treat me with courtesy, then at the very least treat me with neutrality. I'm sick of people treating me passive-aggressively because they believe that I have offended them, then deny that I have ever offended them, then continue to treat me passive-aggressively as usual, such as rolling their eyes and sighing loudly whenever they realize that they can't avoid me anymore. When I was much younger, I cried 99% of the time when people called me bitchy, called me bratty, snapped at me for "sabotaging everybody's plans" and then said "you know what you had done" coldly when I asked them what they meant by "sabotaging everybody's plans". I had lots of nicknames as a kid, including The Crybaby. I view myself as a good person, but unfortunately, many of the people around me seem to derive pleasure from informing me how bad I have been. For instance, I'm proud of myself for being quiet, obedient and loyal, but some people (all older than me) say stuff (or blog stuff) like...I'm so BLOODY obedient that I must have been brainless, they feel like coughing out blood whenever they interact with me because my brains are so square, I'm pathetic because I have zero street smarts... My mind isn't advanced enough to figure out how to bend rules to my own advantage. As long as I'm aware of a rule, I just follow that rule. Unfortunately, many unwritten rules contradict the written rules that I follow. For instance, long ago, my school banned ankle socks but the worst thing that teachers did to students who wore ankle socks was to give them a warning. I was the only one in class who didn't wear ankle socks because I thought, "Ankle socks banned, better not wear ankle socks." I have never figured out why my refusal to wear ankle socks offended certain classmates so deeply.

3. Yeah, yeah, yeah... I'm slow and stupid. My grades are poor, I can't sing/dance/play instruments/do art and crafts/play sports well, I'm perfectly tone-deaf in fact and I can't even blow balloons, I have given up on acquiring a driving license long ago after spending so much time and money and upsetting so many driving instructors and flunking two tests in a row, I sometimes even overcook scrambled eggs... I'm proud that I read widely and write beautifully and my general knowledge seems to be way above average but hey, there are countless people who are much better than me and I can name at least a dozen people who know more about general knowledge than I do and a girl once told me snidely, "You are using general knowledge to compensate for your lack of street smarts."

4. I fangirl over celebrities, people denounce my fangirling as childish. I obsess over historical figures, people make remarks such as "Stop wasting your time obsessing over the dead." I have come across blog post after blog post denouncing escapism as a sin. Some people who are around my age (early 20s) denounce celebrities as superficial, the mass media as superficial, TV and movies as superficial, pop culture as superficial... They proclaim through their words and actions that they would rather spend their time on self-improvement than superficial things. They make me feel so bad about myself because I just want to keep myself sane. I have already invested so much effort in trying to keep myself sane that I'm too tired to ponder about "self-improvement", whatever it means.

5. I'm damned scared that I will die childless, jobless and disowned by my family. Touch wood. If I do die in such a way, people who know me might gossip about me, saying that I have accumulated too much bad karma. I once thought of suicide, but I forgot about suicide as soon as I went on a window shopping trip. I read biographies of various historical figures who endured all sorts of sufferings but none of them ever attempted suicide, so I'm anything but suicidal currently.

6. I do have a bad temper but at least I view myself as a what-you-see-is-what-you-get person. I have lost count of the number of people who describe themselves as "good-tempered", then bottle their anger up, then release their anger through passive aggressive ways such as relational aggression.

7. I last self-harmed early this month. I self-harm whenever I'm tempted to harm somebody else but I'm aware that the consequences of self-harm aren't as grave as the consequences of harming other people.

8. Please don't ask me to go see a counselor. To cut a long story short, I have given up on counseling long ago.

9. Maybe I'm guilty of practicing the equity theory; maybe not, but I'm so sick of watching people practice the equity theory because they all seem cold and calculative when they do so. My own definition of the equity theory is if A gives B 10 points of goodness, then B should repay A 10 points of goodness. If B repays A 5 points of goodness, B is shortchanging A, but if B repays A 20 points of goodness, B is shortchanging himself. I have lost count of the number of people who ignore me and/or treat me badly because they believe that I won't be of much use to them. I don't want to end up like some of my peers who are so cynical that they blog that they suspect that people are nice to them just to make use of them in the future, but based on my own experiences, some people (in real life, not on WP) have "I expect you to repay my goodness one day..." mentality when they are nice towards me. Sadly I can't think of any examples right now.

10. I sometimes read one particular Aspie's blog despite not knowing him in real life because I look up to him. (He is older than me by a year or two. Sorry, but I can't divulge his identity because he blogs mainly for his friends.) He is that "power hungry Aspie" that I sometimes mention on WP. If his blog were telling the truth, he is full of self-confidence and quite optimistic about his future. He frequently hangs out with the rich and the powerful. He blogged that he left WP long ago because he was sick of reading anti-NT posts. He claims that many people, including an entrepreneur around his father's age, predict that he will do very well in Marketing. I suspect that based on the personal details scattered throughout his blog, he is actually one of those Anons featured in a book about life on the autism spectrum. In that book, he told his interviewer that he has always enjoyed leading people. He defines leadership as "getting people to do what you want them to do while remaining in control of the situation". I admire his spirit even though his hunger for power and more power is such a big annoying trait. However, whenever my mind wanders off to compare myself with him, I feel very bad about myself.

11. A question for all: When I meet a new person, if I start thinking, "I mustn't say or do anything to offend this person", I somehow end up offending him or her most of the time. Any idea why?

An article that might answer you last question: http://lifehacker.com/5669385/four-reas ... avoid-them

Basically, trying very hard NOT to do something and thinking about the negative outcome makes you do the very thing you're trying to avoid.

I cant really off much help on 1, i havent had much experience in that part of life. I used to have an abusive step father, whenever he would start to get angry or mad i would avoid him, recede into my room and entertain myself until he was either happier or out of the way. It's not ideal but its how i dealt with it atleast.

2. I have no idea how old you or the people in your age group might be but everyone goes through a phase where they are angry, stroppy or upset and they take their anger out on who ever is the easiest target. I myself was the butt of this many a time, however because i was aware it wasn't always on purpose i generally dealt with it, waited for them to calm down then carried on treating them as i always had, you're probably getting the picture im someone who avoids conflict whereever possibble and to be honest you wouldnt be wrong.

Something i ended up doing was recluding from people a little bit, i would only join in conversation when i had something positive to add and tried really hard not to say something that would upset people. I didn't always get it right but trying to stay neutral and not letting it get to you is a good place to start. I ended up recluding to only one form of social interaction, humour, as thats the only one i came close to understanding, i dont suggest it, i pushed a lot of people boundaries.

3. I have no concept of music, tone, pitch or art, and had no desire to partake in any sport for years and years. My general knowledge is sub par and i have poor coordination, so no dancing from me either but it didnt bother me because i realised that no-one is good at everything, i practiced the things i enjoyed because thats what makes me happy, dont worry about the things you cant do, noone remembers you for the things you cant do, poeple are remembered for the things they did and could do!

4. I dont share your enthusiasm for celebrities, i find it hard to be enthusiastic about any people at all really, my obsession is technology, i get a lot of odd remarks off people and was denounced as 'one of thse guys' when i was at school but again do the things you enjoy, dont let other people control your life, you arent doing it for them, you are doing it for you! so fangirl all you like if thats what makes you happy, thats all that counts in the end,

5.You worry too much about what other people think! They are only human, they will make mistakes, they will gossip about everyone. You cant please everyone so dont try, start by pleasing yourself and then the people who are close to you. After all if they arent a big part of your life, what does it matter what they think?

6. hmmm, i dont have much to say here, other than deep breaths, close your eyes, count backwards from ten? forget about everyone and everything around you (not easy) until you calm down, it helps in more ways than one,

7. please dont, nothing makes me hurt inside more than knowing there are people out there who feel so alone, so angry that they need to self harm, you arent alone in your anger, you're not in a fortress of solitude, there are so many poeple willing to listen to you. hell even messaging someone online about your troubles is enough sometimes, just knowing you arent alone and that someone cares can be enough to help placate those feelings

8. i agree, im not a fan of counselling, they take everything in your life and distort it to make it fit one of their patterns, no one knows yourself better than you

9. i can honestly say i have never heard of this theory before. it snot one i follow, i try to practice the idea of 'do good things, regardless' i always have that feeling that each and every person is someones child and when i eventally have children of my own id like to think there would be someone willing to help them when they need it and im not around. But again dont worry about what people think of you, their opinions are just that, opinions, they have no effect on you and so you shouldnt let it, be yourself, do what makes you happy,

10. You connect with him because you can see he is someone in a similar position who is going out and giving it their all, because they are someone who knows what they want and will stop at nothing to get it. You follow them because thats what you want, you just dont know how to get it.

Start small, focus on things you like doing, things that make you happy, then stretch out to those things you want to be doing, those things you could put your skills to, you certainly sound like a smart person, but you're far too much like me for your own good, you overthink things, see too much meaning behind each phrase and each action. Its hard to stop doing, i still cant do it, but i come here, and i talk to people, i forget my worries or i talk to people to get them out of the way, this isnt a burden you have to carry alone, we are here to help.

If you ever need someone to just chat to or want more help please dont hesitate to pm me, i check this forum atleast once a day so i will definately see it.

Stay strong and be happy!

OOps double post, my bad, too eager on that submit button!

Hi, thank you very much for taking the time to reply. I'm feeling fine now.