gf's family hates me

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and the feeling is mutual.

Don't really know how to put all this in any kind of order that makes sense. Just gonna do the best I can with it.

I got the feeling, not long after meeting most of them, that my girlfriend's family disliked me. Which was fine, I didn't have to see them very often so I didn't particularly care. But recently they, and she, have decided to be a bigger part of each other's lives. Which is good because she's going through some serious s**t right now and I don't think it's the best thing for her to have me as her only source of emotional support. But bad because it means I have to interact with them more often.

I've heard more than once from her even before this that her family, especially her uncle, were putting pressure on her to leave me. At first their reason was because I am not religious, while involvement in their church is a huge part of their lives. Mind you, I've always been respectful of their faith. Never even mentioned my lack of it until I was asked directly (probably should have pretended to believe in the same stuff as them, but I'm a terrible liar).

About a year into our relationship (been together for six years, known each other far longer), she injured herself at work. Developed an addiction to painkillers that lasted for the next three years, has been clean for the last two with only a couple of minor relapses.

Her family tried to put that on me. Saying how her life took a turn for the worse when she and I got together. Ignoring the fact that, if anyone was encouraging her self-destructive behavior, it was her own mother, who she lived with at the time and who was also an addict. Ignoring the way they all turned their backs on her. Ignoring the fact that I was the only one who stuck around, encouraging her to quit, staying up the nights that she took too much just to make sure she was still breathing, seeing her through the withdrawals over and over again every time she tried to stop. And I'm proud as hell of her that she finally did get clean but, honestly, I don't think she would have without support, and it sure as hell wasn't her family that provided it.

Then they started claiming that I was taking advantage of her and her mother financially, because I moved in with them for a while. Her mother would express her frustration with me to them. Of course she never bothered mentioning that I was paying the majority of the rent and the majority of the bills, because just about every penny they brought in was spent supporting their addictions. Never bothered mentioning that I could have easily afforded my own place, but stuck around because they needed someone to look after them, and their own family had turned their backs.

Her sister was in town recently. The only member of her family who actually likes me and is nice to me. Enough that, other times she's been in town, we've actually hung out, gone out drinking, had interesting conversations even without gf being present. If she didn't live so far away and come home so rarely, I'd probably count her as a friend and not just, y'know, gf's sister.

Anyhow, gf told her about my asperger's. I'd have preferred that she check with me first, I'm very private about it. Gf is the only real-life person I've told. But, while it would have been nice if she'd gotten the okay from me first, I don't actually mind her sister knowing. She's decent, understanding. If she were around more often, I might even have told her myself eventually.

The two of them were with their family, at the uncle's house catching up. Somehow the topic turned to me. Apparently, when they get together, they have nothing better to talk about than how much I suck. The uncle was talking about all the various reasons why he dislikes me. One of which is that I don't talk much to him, or anyone else, whenever I'm stuck going to one of their family gatherings.

Gf's sister, trying to defend me, told them I have asperger's. I'm pretty upset about this. But I'm trying to let that go. She was trying to make them understand. Wrong thing to do, very wrong, but she did it for the right reasons. And she was extremely apologetic; first thing out of her mouth, the next time she saw me, was
"[mds], I'm so sorry." And she's going through the same s**t I mentioned earlier that gf is going through (which is far more serious than this, neither of them need me giving them a hard time on top of it).

But, upon hearing about it, the uncle and a couple of aunts and a couple of cousins, basically everyone who was there apart from gf and her sister, started making fun of me for it. I don't know exactly what was said, gf and sister wouldn't tell me any specifics and I was so upset at hearing about it that I actually went non-verbal, which hasn't happened to me in a very long time and, by the time I could talk again, the last thing I wanted to talk about was that.

Like I said, I'm trying to let go of anger at gf and her sister. They f****d up. Big time. But I really don't think they meant any harm. And, being pretty much the only people I know who are nice to me, who treat me like a person and not just a worthless waste of space, I don't want to hold a grudge against them.

But, like I said, gf and her family are getting closer. Spending more time together. And that means I have to see more of them. And I don't know if I can handle that. Gf tells me to forget about any of the crap say, that she ignores them when they talk about me and I should do the same. But I don't know how to; every time I see, or hear from, or hear about them I get so incredibly anxious and angry.

Don't know how to deal with them. Only instinct is to pull away, but right now that means pulling away from her too which I do not want to do.

My ex's family, while not "hating" me per se, had a huge hand in why I fell out of love with him.

I could never do anything right by them, and they were constantly trying to invade our space. His mother constantly wanted to come over and clean our house and anything that I did was never good enough. It didn't help that he would never help me around the house so when she came over I usually hadn't been able to get to everything (I worked full time with 30 min travel time each way to work) and would go off at my ex. So many times I went to bed crying. Every Sunday we had to go to their place for a BBQ (and to this day I can't eat BBQ meat any more), which would have been awesome if not for everything else they were doing. In the end it just became too much and one night I just stopped loving him. And no matter how much I tried, the love would not come back, because the pain was just too great.

Not that I'm saying that it's anything like your situation, but I know what it's like when you've been rejected by the family of the one you love. It hurts.

I think I know what you mean. I wouldn’t say I've fallen out of love with her. But very often, especially when I've recently had to endure her family's company, there's this feeling of disconnect. Like I can't really remember why we're together in the first place. It used to feel like it was us against the world, us against them. Now, very often, it almost feels like she's one of them, and it's just me on my own. Even when she's right there.

I don't want her to turn her back on her family. It's too much to ask. I know she needs more than just me. She tries to defend me against the stuff they say. But it hurts that she can listen to that crap, and still want those people in her life.

The worst thing was I was made to feel like I was breaking up a family, and the guilt that came with it. I wanted so badly for us to be a happy family (I can sort of see where his mother was coming from, up until he moved in with me she had done EVERYTHING for him), but in the end it didn't work.

Try to imagine how torn she feels at the moment. Unlike my ex who seemed to enjoy playing his mother and I off against each other.

Well certainly sounds fun :/

Alas you've just got to grin and bare it I guess, in an ideal world your GF should be sticking up for you and DEMAND her family respects you, as well as puts them straight on a few things...the family sound like jerks. But I'd not expect that of her if she'd going through some things and feels she needs, or wants, to stay in contact with them. You can't push the issue, you just have to try to stay respectful and expect the same back from them when you're around them - if they can't respect you, ask, and if asking doesn't work than distance yourself whenever possible.

It's something you have to put-up with for her sake, consider it another thing that your relationship fights for. Just don't put up with too much, put your foot down when needed.

Yeah, that's exactly what I want to avoid. Whenever I try to talk to her about it, she feels like I'm trying to make her choose between them and me.



Yeah you're right. I'm really bad at finding the balance between the two though. I tend toward just sucking it up. Just living with people walking all over me in order to prevent conflict. And, when I finally do put my foot down, it seems like I go too far and act like an as*hole.



Really, I just need to let off a bit of steam sometimes. And maybe hear someone who knows us say "yeah, they're being dicks," you know? I don't want her to spend less time with them, or start any fights with them, because of me. But it would be nice if she could acknowledge that I've got reason to be upset rather than just telling me to ignore them and expecting that to be the end of it. Maybe it'd be easier if I had someone else in my life I could talk to about this kind of stuff, but she's all I've got.

Urgh. I can relate to you on one part of this - guy I am dating told his father I has AS without my permission (it was because he suspects his father has ASD also but still) - the kicker is I haven't even met him yet in person. My worst fear is that it will spread and his entire family will end up knowing before they meet me. (Problematic - my own father doesn't even know about my DX yet)

There were no words for how pissed off, hurt, upset and severely disappointed I was - if it was anyone else except him I probably would have lost it completely and broken up with them there and then after a violation of privacy and how disrespectful that was.

I honestly don't know how I would handle your situation. Ideally she would simply leave every time they are going to disrespect you but it seems that she isn't capable of setting and enforcing healthy boundaries right now because she doesn't have the emotional and mental strength to do it and maintain it - why I'm not sure, it could be because all the things she has been through she just doesn't have the strength for that right now. (you referred to things that were worse - so I have to assume these are contributing factors)

It's a sh***y situation for both of you and I honestly cant blame you for the way you feel right now.

Perhaps the only thing I could suggest is both of you working both individually and together to made sure you both have enough emotional and mental strength to be able to set and enforce healthy boundaries - working together on ways create and support that strength in each other will help ensure your relationship remains strong and that hopefully both of you can deal with this by being on the same page. Taking the focus off her family (I know that's what pisses you off most and I don't blame you - but you cant control their behaviour - although the solution isn't to ignore it) and putting the focus on both of you two - both as individuals and as a team - is going to be the best way to combat this and possibly bond further because of it.

So essentially - however you guys draw your strength, you need to encourage her to do more of that stuff - by herself and with you, and you also need to do whatever your own things are by yourself too. I know its something you probably don't think of on a daily basis, especially when going through something difficult - as you and her seem to be now - but that is actually when active practises like this become more important (unfortunately they are also usually the first thing to go when under stress).

Apart from that
*hugs*

Yeah. There's a part of me that wants to shout at her "what the f**k were you thinking? Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to tell just you? Why would you think it was okay to go and tell anyone else?"

And then, like you're afraid of happening with your guy and his family, it spread. Of course it did. 'Cause that's what happens when you let even one person in on something best kept private.

At the same time, I don't want to be the super-secretive controlling boyfriend, telling her she's not allowed to talk about our relationship with the people, like her sister, who she's closest to. It just seems like the kind of thing a sh***y abusive guy would do. And, honestly, it has such an impact on our relationship that, if she's not allowed to talk about it, she may as well not be allowed to talk about the relationship at all.

As for the sister repeating it, that's far less defensible. There's just no way that was okay, even if her intentions were good. I keep trying to remind myself that they were, I'm trying not to be too angry with her. But I'm failing, which sucks because until this happened I actually liked her quite a bit.

I mean, she herself (the sister) doesn't like most of her family. Last couple of their gatherings I got roped into attending, she spent the whole time avoiding them and hiding in the corner with me instead, talking about how much they frustrated her. She knows they're judgemental dicks, she's told me so herself. So why would she think it was okay to go and tell them my private business?



Yeah, right now I really can't expect much from her. With the s**t that's going on, she needs them around. And I know them well enough to know that, if she tried too hard to defend me, it would just end up causing a rift between them.

But it still stings. Even though I know she needs more than just me in her life, even though I know that's the only family she's got and there's nothing she can do to change them, it still hurts knowing that she wants to spend time with, wants to be close with, people who think so little of me and of our relationship.



If only I knew how. I've got basically two coping strategies when the world starts getting to me. There's the unhealthy one (which I was just coming out of when the crap she's dealing with started) where I hide out at home for months on end, indulging in my old self-destructive habits. And there's the healthier one, leaning on her for support. Neither of which I can do because, with the s**t she's dealing with, she needs me to be the strong one right now.

s**t, I don't know how to be the strong one, the together one, even when things are going well. Much less when things turn to s**t like they have now. And especially when she's inviting people into our life that seemingly have nothing better to do with their time than to antagonize me.

I think this is just demonstrating to me that I need something in my life other than just her. Our whole relationship started with her taking care of me when I was going through a really rough patch. And, ever since, I've always turned to her whenever I was having a hard time. But I can't always just expect her to make everything better, especially not when things are as bad for her as they are right now. I need to learn how to take care of my own emotional needs so I can be strong when she needs me.

It'll get better eventually, things always do.

This all sounds very familiar. Particularly the part about resenting you because you are so quite around them. My ex's parents would always use that as an excuse and it became a point of contention. She would ask them if they liked her boyfriend and thier response would be "oh, we don't really know him." (Translation: NO.)

If nothing else - this situation has really highlighted your coping skills.
In a way I think that's a good thing.

I think the best thing you can do right now is start looking for things that give you strength. You may find you had some when you were younger but gave them up or forgot about them. Do some exploring and thinking on it. It could be anything - hobbies, places, things, animals, people. I'm not sure what gave you saniety or keep you sane growing up - but things like that are things you need to find again, or similar to.

Frustrating, isn't it? You're absolutely right that people often use that as code for "no, I don't like that person" when they don't want to cause hurt feelings. At the same time, it's often the truth. That is to say, it's true that they don't know the person but, at the same time, they've still already decided that they don't like them.

I'd see my folks do exactly that with my sister's husband. To her, they'd say stuff like "oh, he's so quiet, we don't know him that well." Then, as soon as she was out of the room, they'd start badmouthing him.

You're right. As usual. Assuming, of course, that by "coping skills" you're referring to my complete lack thereof.



Though, for pretty much my whole life (or at least as much of it as I can remember), my coping strategies have been less than healthy. At best I'd just hide from the world, which I can't do right now. She needs me. At worst... well, there's no need to go into all that except to say that it's not a valid option. That kinda stuff only ever made things worse, even if it made me feel better in the short term.

For a long time, up until now pretty much, I thought I'd finally found something good, something healthy, to get me through bad times. Her. Maybe, probably, immature of me to think of her that way. As the solution to all my problems. Never really occured to me that there might come a point where she couldn't fix everything for me.

All this time I should have been finding ways to be strong on my own so that I wouldn't have to lean on her all the time, so that she could lean on me when stuff like this happened. I've been selfish. I mean, it's not like she hasn't had various crap weighing on her before, but she still managed to deal with it and help me on top of that. Feels like the absolute best I can manage right now is to not be a burden to her, but I know that she needs more from me than that, that I owe her more than that.

Need to find something new. Some way to deal that isn't self-destructive, and doesn't require someone else to make things better. How do you do it? Happy and content as you usually seem on here, I'm sure life gets to you sometimes too, so what do you do to deal with it?

Yeah your gfs family do sound like jerks. I would say just don`t let it get to you, its pretty much petty bullying. In the NT world its pretty common and often taken for granted.

They are taking advantage of you. I suggest you take your gf and move out.

Already moved out. Lost my job, got kicked out. Soon as I was gone, her mother had to start asking the family for money constantly. You'd think that would've been a clue to the rest of them as to just how much of her expenses I was paying, but they still talk about how I was taking advantage.

Soon as the lease on my current place is up (not allowed to have anyone else live here, can't afford the fees for ending the lease early), we're getting a place for just the two of us.

They are. It's just hard to ignore them when she's making such an effort to include them in her (and, by extension, our) life.

Trying, and almost entirely succeeding, to not hold it against her. There's nothing she can do about it short of shutting them out of her life. And I'd never want her to cut her family off just to make me happy.

Hard to deal with because it's just not in my nature to let it go when someone's being a jerk to me. Push me and I push back harder, that's just how I've always dealt with people like that. But I can't do that with them without making things more stressful for her.