Last night, I did something which has steadily become rarer in recent years. I broke down and cried, and I cried for 30 minutes.
It's been a bittersweet year for me. I found out earlier in February that my sister, who has been making me watch her baby for a long time, is engaged to an Air Force guy, and is planning to move out and get married by October. If there is no hitch (like the engagement being called off) between now and then, come October 24th, it will just be my dad and I. I will have no sense of compulsion of having to stay at home and watch him while working on my master's degree. That is one piece of good news.
However, I've felt for the longest time like I'm the invisible child in the family, the one who is forgotten and ignored if at all possible. My grandparents are all dead, most of the relatives were estranged by things my parents did to anger them, and my older sisters are both career-minded people who have no time for any of us. I have four sisters in all, two of them are older and single, and two younger sisters, who both have boyfriends and/or fiances. I'm the only boy in my family, and I've never been in any sort of relationship with anybody. In fact, I've never felt any sexual attraction towards womyn at all and mostly towards younger men (but to go any further would warrant this being transferred to the adult section). Suffice it to say, most of the family accepts that I'm gay, except my dad. When I initially came out to my dad a couple of years ago, he got upset and was telling me things to scare me back into being straight (like I would get STDS, not be able to get a job, not be accepted socially, and some other things not age appropriate). He said he will accept me no matter what, but he wishes I would find a girlfriend and give him grandkids. Which I have no intention of doing for him,
I've had a love hate relationship with my dad since I was little. I remember him getting mad about some of my academic difficulties when I was little and cussing at me sometimes. He's never been physically abusive and has always been a good provider for the family, nut he has been very difficult to talk to. When I've talked to him, instead of listening, he starts criticizing immediately what I have to say. He's always nitpicking about the things I do to help out around the house. Like the other night, I was wiping some crumbs into my hand after dinner to throw into the garbage and he told me that I should wipe them up with a washcloth instead. He's very specific about what he wants done, and that brings up another example. I was taking the trash out of the bathroom and removed the plastic liner to go throw out in the dumpster, and he told me I should have left it in. If I decide I can't handle the stress of an appointment and call to reschedule, he becomes irate and tells me I should have kept the appointment. And I'm often the only one of the family who helps out. I wash dishes, cook dinner, do his and my laundry together, and if I'm free, I straighten up the countertops. I'm hoping I can get out and mow the lawn and do yard work after my sister moves out. I've always done my best to help him out but it seems like it is never enough for him. My sisters don't even care about the messes they make and he still never really says too much to them. I guess I'm too quiet or something.
Most of the examples cited thus far will probably make him out to be a reasonable man and me the unreasonable son who focuses on abstract emotional problems. But I feel like in other ways, he doesn't care about my feelings. He's had a lot of arguments with my little sister, and when I've tried to talk to him about what happened, he tells me to "leave me the h--l alone." He says I'm making excuses and blaming Aspergers too much when I try to explain why it is hard for me to deal with certain social and sensory issues. He's also told me he expects me to uphold the good family name and the good Japanese-American heritage. I used to be interested in anime and Japanese culture, and still am to a large extent, but I'm also feeling like it is a very repressive culture too. I don't know if he had parent issues, I guess his parents divorced like he did and his mother didn't pay attention to him and his dad mistreated him on account (my dad has told me in the past because of him being the youngest). I know in his seventy-two years he has seen a lot of trauma and spent his early years on a farm in Utah, but I would also like to have good memories of him when he dies. I'm hoping he will mellow out when my sister moves out and treat me more human, but I'm not so sure.
18 Mar 2013, 1:57 am
