Current feelings- scuicide

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So hi... im Z.... Just to get my point across right up front, I am thinking about killing myself right now. I am not just going to go hang myself like right now. but i am considering that path seriously for the first time in a while.

20-M-no job- no college

Ok so now i can get into the stuff, i have felt like this before, i sat on my parents bed holding my dads 9mm handgun loaded safety off and just thought for about 10 minutes when i was maybe 15. i decided that i could not do that to the people in my life no matter what happened. i wanted to live for them. and to just not give up.

I spent my teen year being punching bag (not physically) for people where they would pour there problems on me and i would tell them the answers, a gift my autisim gave me, the ability to see the clear path, but as nerutypical people they always followed there hearts then came crying to me when it fell apart. you name it i dealt with it, rape, sex at 12, pregnancy at 12, suicide, people self harming., horrible homes, abusive parents all of it. none of it was happening to me. i lived vicariously through them. their drama because i could see how easy it was to fix. they had easy problems and mine were not issues for them.

My parents loved me and i didn't have it hard, at first i had anxiety and adhd which was controlled by meds which we stopped but i took lexepro for ocd up until last year because it cause it made me feel like not myself along with a few other things. i developed food allergies to gluten msg dairy and im a strict diet. due to my anxiety and food allergies i have developed an eating disorder and i am 15 pounds under weight. i have bad anxiety still.... i score off the charts.....


Through all of that i would think about killing myself everyday, it got worse when i could drive, going 50mph and you could just swerve and it would be over... floor it into a tree. i have never been afraid of death. i never did or seriously thought about it because i wanted to be the strong one. to beat the hell out of it. to be the kinda person who could hold up to it day after day. because then i could be someone who fought life and be proud of it, be strong and be there for my friends. try to be someone people could go to.

I moved away for a bit to a program and learned some stuff and came home and i have had 2 job interviews. but everyday i sit in my basement playing ruynescape and watching netflix and on tumblr. i have few friends, one is my mate and he is so like me he is no emotional support he is great for problem solving and talking. but he really cant relate to it. and my other friend who i thought loved me and we would be together. she stopped talking to me and 3 weeks later told me about her bf. then 4 motnhs later the were engaged. they get married in mid may. they will have known each other for 9 months. i have will have known her for 7 years. and we are not talking anymore. and we really cant be close because our feelings are kinda messy. my final friend i am so close too that we regularly fool around (everything except for sex) (which i am saving). and she has told me how i don't talk to her and she feels unloved. we are not dating because i cant handle a relationship. but she is putting the same stress on me that she was before. but ik that she needs me in her life. and i want her in mine.
I really don't talk to alot of people. i dont feel comfortable with it. im there for anyone with an issue and i wills till be a person to talk too. but i dont really pursue my friends.



I recently realized that what i had hoped for my whole life. college and meet a girl and get married and have 6 kids and have my own business. it wont happen. i cant love someone because i dont know what it is. i would take a bullet to the head for any soul i have ever met. nice ones and bad ones. i love everyone. but then i cant love one person. and i have been learning so much about myself since i moved away and came home. i am messed up and even though i could deal with anyone, i dont want someone to have to deal with me. if i can never give them what they want or need. and i dont think i could. i can take care of someone. i can logically feel and understand why things are in relationships. and i get why and i know all the right things to say. but i have never in my life felt them. i have never sat down and felt "this is right" or "i feel safe". i have come to terms with the fact that if i care about someone i keep them away cause i will just not give them what they need. but if i dont care alot i will flirt and talk to them and lure them in. but also my next point in my romantic relationships also applies.


so for years i said for life to suck it. but then tonight i realized that i have been living to make everyone else happy. i have been so unhappy and sad and upset for so long. i keep on trucking. and it doesn't do anything. my parents still think im a lazy ass. i keep asking for help from people but no one seems to think i mean it. i cant talk to my friends about it. i haven't made a connection with someone because i know in the end everyone will hurt you at some point. tonight i realized if i am living a life of being miserable all the time.... just to keep the few important people happy, then why do i keep fighting it? it doesnt make a dent. maybe i want attention. maybe i want to make a point. but mainly i am just sick and tired of going through this. i cant eat comfort food. pills just make me not notice it. i thought i would find someone. perhaps its depression. or some subconscious broken heart thing. maybe its stress. because my parents say they will kick me out but i know im not ready for that. or that i think i will never find anyone to be with. all in all i have given years trying to help people and i just realized no one is ever going to care about me like that. or maybe they will or do. but because of my aspie brain i cant understand it.


I posted this here because the only person i can text wouldn't respond even if i texted her. my parents are out of town. and im a grown ass man. i have to know what to do myself. and at 3am there isn't much you can do. i just thought i should say it all somewhere. somewhere i would not lose the little respect i have. i hope this is the right place. maybe i need to talk.... that seems to take my mind off of it. but i am always alone at some point. even when im with people... they arnt people who get me. even my friends. its like im with 7billion other people on this planet but i feel like im the only one who i can speak with.


im sorry for the spelling mistakes... and punctuation.... and capitalization.... but i really dont care right now

I am awaiting replys dont worry i would plan this carefully... i wouldn't want an "attempted" and a year in a psych ward. im going to wonder around skyrim and shoot deer or something

-Z

just because you've never fallen in love yet doesn't mean you never will.

visit india
take a walk down the largest slum colony in the world - dharavi
people without shelter
if shelter then no electricity
if electricity then no running water
if all that there then serious uncurable illness and no money for treatment
and poverty, hunger.
i have seen their flooded houses during rainy season
children wailing on the streets and begging for a penny

can you take up some social cause
here in india maybe if not there

There are many people who feel the same way. You're also at an age in life that is challenging. The more you think you need someone to 'get' you, the more discontent you're going to be. 'Getting' someone is a two-way street. It's just as hard for someone who no one 'gets' as it is for this same someone to 'get' others. Only a domestic cat can generally 'get' a domestic cat, and even in that example the 'getting' still isn't perfect.

There is another thread going at the moment on here about being suicidal that has lots of good advice on keeping going etc. I thought people's responses were quite heartfelt on it.
I suggest reading that as well (sorry if that seems really obvious, I know you too deserve your own thread)

Been there. Read what I wrote for the other guy. That's all I can really say.

Take good care x

Didn't want to seem like I was fobbing you off, as I take this issue especially seriously because I know how horrible it is to grapple with these feelings.
You really can get to a less troublesome place, where it is not there all the time.

Life will always be hard, but it is about getting back some mental strength to tackle things head-on, day to day, and slowly, even agonisingly, start to gain back a life. Suicidal ideas may not actually go away, but they can become less interfering in your life.

I find it too painful/close-to-home to read the totality of people's posts sometimes, but please see below what I wrote for the other thread, it applies just as much to you as well:





I have had multiple severe suicidal depressions all through my early twenties, well starting just before actually. So, for six years at this point. Plus feeling suicidal most weeks in-between. I lived my life for a long time picking myself back from the brink over and over again. Thousands of times at this point!

I decided I was definitely sure last year. I was in no doubt any more.

Somehow, I could not get it together to organise my own death (kind of absurd).

A couple of good things happened, and I slowly began to feel marginally better again.

My life could not be described as happy in any way, neither objectively nor subjectively, and it probably won't be for a long time.

But it is possible to get that tiny little bit of extra mental strength to crawl out of the depths of suicidal depression.

I have to accept it all takes a long time. Longer than I could have been able to accept and cope with, had you told me a few years ago I'd still be living the same miserable, restricted, tormented life now as I was then.

But one thing I did also decide was that I'd rather go on a long walk or hitchhike or something than just die. Just leave it all behind. If I'm going to lose my life anyway...then....what do I have to lose? When you get to that point, do anything.

It's not that easy to kill yourself. You should read the contributions in Geo Stone's book ''Suicide and Attempted Suicide'' about failed suicide attempts. They are sobering.
I am not saying this to trigger you or give you ideas. I don't want you to kill yourself.
Everyone deserves to live, and live a happy life. Your life is in your hands, but that means you can change it slowly as well, you know. Time will push on anyway, nothing will stay the same, it never can.
I merely suggest those writings because they prove you can make life worse for yourself if you try to kill yourself and fail- and failing is very likely indeed.

Keep talking about it, to as many people as possible I would say. Don't romanticise the notion of self-murder; make it public, not private.
External, not internal.
This seems to help sometimes.

Take care x

Why not at least try medical help - you could end up feeling much better, and if you gain no benefit, you haven't lost anything.

The above poster is right; if it comes to it you can always try a hospital admission. They can properly assess you and it gives you a break from trying to cope with it alone.
Just another option.
I've done it and it helped me. I was very isolated at the time and just being around other people really benefitted me in that time. I am not saying it is a miracle cure, but you can be proplery assessed for medication options as well I would think, if that's something you would consider too.
Meds can help some people; sometimes people on the autism spectrum respond differently to them though and need a lesser dose than the average, so bear that in mind.

Take care x

About hospitalized care,
I thought about it, but to me I am not planning to kill myself so much as i have no reason not to anymore. other than fear or what have you. when i wrote that i had realised that if my main point of to keep going was to stick it to the man, or just keep my pride, those are very good reasons. i basicly stopped caring about those. in addition to the feelings of being alone it kinda makes me feel like theres nothing to live for? i mean im not living to find a mate. im 20 and living in my parents basement and they just harras me about moving out and making money. which i dont care about. and so i have lost any reason to try for anything better. i could always talk myself into some other idea and now i cant. so i spilled.

so i think hospitaliztion is for people who have made up there minds to kill themselves. i just dont care if i live or die anymore

zarok;

You are 20 years old. Believe it or not, people can change immensely several times over in a lifetime. In fact, change is all there is. You cannot stay the same. If you kill yourself, the change will be that your body rots and you go back into the earth. Might sound good, but that's not so great, really. It's a rip-off.
If you live, you can choose to change your mind, your health, your circumstance, your social contacts, your outlook, your emotions, your whole life.

You musn't allow yourself to think that suicide is acceptable.

I am talking as someone who has been there, and I mean really been there. I'm actually amazed I am still alive to be honest.

But I am. And I feel reasonably okay right this moment. That won't last, but if I can keep exerting my influence on every moment as best possible, with love for myself, then the ''nightmare'' that is ''the future'', may just turn out how I want it, and how I wish it to be. But I must never give up on myself, whether I get there or not.
I hope I do, but the point is in the trying.

I have dreams. You say you don't care. That's not entirely true. But I do think you are confused and out of touch with your true potential.

There's hope for you, zarok. You just can't see it.

Please PM me if you want to. I don't mind talking about what helped me, or just talking.

Are you open to book suggestions?

You're too young, don't give up just yet.

Take care x