Finally Realizing That My Dreams Have Been A Waste

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I have posted on the Haven many times before. Sometimes, I have received encouragement. Most times, I have not. I am doing this post to vent more than anything. Today, I went for a job interview. I am going to school for Radio. It's kind of ironic, isn't it? Someone who has horrible social skills wants to go into a medium of communication. I am doing this because it was my dream and, radio and television are still my focused interest. I realized today during that interview that I wasted my whole life. The time before, during and after the interview was just rife with things that went wrong. First off, the bus I was waiting for drove right by me. I had to catch the next one, which arrived 10 minutes later and it made me 3 minutes late. Then, I started running to the place where I was being interviewed. I ended up out of breath and tired. The interview ended up being me rambling while answering the questions and staring at the floor half the time. I know I didn't get it because of this. I know I am capable and talented BUT, that does not matter. One of my classmates also applied for the job, was interviewed and probably got it. He doesn't have AS, is quick with a joke, was probably on time and didn't ramble. And on top of that, I am better in a lot of ways than he is. I am not mad at him OR the two people who interviewed me. I am mad at myself for being so stupid. That is why I hate Asperger's Syndrome. It has prevented me from doing so many things and, unlike some, I wish there was a cure. I am ashamed to have it and I feel like secluding myself off from the rest of the World. Heck, it's what they did prior to the 1960's, if people were different. They should start doing it again. Then, people with Autism would not have to suffer anymore. People with Autism and Asperger's are better off secluded. They are not making society respect them any more by being open. Just look at all the posts on The Haven. The NTs will ALWAYS shun us. I have had enough of this and I am tired of feeling alone, helpless and lacking of social skills. I WANT A CURE NOW!! ! ENOUGH WITH THE ASPIE PRIDE BS!! !!

That in itself is why the Aspie Pride exists.

The issue isn't autism itself, but rather NT treatment of autistics.

Just my thought on the issue. Keep trying ;P

They were secluded, and most likely subject to electroshock therapy, and possibly lobotomies. You really think we should bring that back?

Radio is magical. I'm not sure that it's exactly social, though. To me, the best radio is comparable to reading a good novel. I know it's called communication, but it's not conversation. The radio broadcasts and the listener absorbs.

I worked at an almost all volunteer radio station for about 5 years which broadcasts great radio. The folks making that great radio are a bunch of eccentrics. You cannot be sure that your rambling wasn't precisely the stuff of great radio.

The radio listener is oblivious the where the broadcaster is staring.

You probably know there is no cure at the moment and may never be for one that already has it. At least that is the case if the problem is in the brain development process as a current theory goes.

Life isn't necessarily fair. No two are born alike not have an equal chance. Some are stronger, some are smarter, some are taller and some otherwise perfect specimens are born with a undetected defective heart that will kill them before age 30.

The only person you can really compare yourself to, is you. There is you trying, stumbling, and getting up again & there is you giving up. Perhaps you are not suited to be a announcer, but you may be suited as a communications tech. I really can't say how far you'll get, but can say a hell of a lot farther then if you just sit on the ground and don't move.

Thank you all for responding. I still feel that my dream is not within reach. You all brought up some great points though. But, I feel that the system has not been able to help somebody like me. I have no money to seek out help for my mental health. Therefore, I feel that things will not get better. I know I am younger that many of the people on the Haven. But, it is hard for me to believe right now that my life will get better. I am still single on top of all of this and I have never been in a relationship. But, that is another post for another time. I might as well quit while I'm ahead. Being an individual, especially with in the world of Radio, has sadly disappeared. The type of radio that got me interested in the medium originally, free form progressive rock FM radio of the late 60's-early 70's, is long gone. Radio in general up to the late 1960's, thrived on personality. Each announcer was different. Today, there is no personality in radio. Better to be a brainless NT, than to be unique. Plus, off the air radio is very social. The business thrives on that. I showed those two people yesterday that I cannot "fit" into their world. As I stated in the last post, it is not their fault. It is mine. As for seclusion, I am not a believer in Electroshock therapy and the other thing that was mentioned. Those two things did more harm than good. I feel seclusion would be better for those who are living in homeless shelters and are poor and hopeless who are on the spectrum. If Society is not going to accept us now, when are they ever going to accept us and understand us. I am either misunderstood or patronized. I am tired of this. I am a human being, not an alien.

Being institutionalized although perhaps a initial respite, would inevitably become extremely boring, restrictive or worse. It is really only a last resort place for those who otherwise might harm or be harmed otherwise. If you haven't seen or read 'One flew over the cukoo's nest' I do recommend it. There are middle ground programs that assist people live in society. Assisted living is one term for it.

Not sure where you live, but usually there are ways for people to get free access to health programs who can not afford it. Sounds like you might profit from looking into what is available by contacting your local version of social services, in person where yo can ask questions.

Besides mainline Radio stations, there are also Public Radio and College Stations. Have you considered volunteering to work free at any stations ?

I know how you feel..

I have some good news. A second position opened up at the sister station. I am so happy. It's not at the place I wanted but, because I applied at the right time and there were two of us who applied, they had to go with me. Now, the position is not paid and it is a test run so, hopefully I won't screw it up!! !

Sweet Pea hugs

Dreams are a waste:- just count yourself lucky there isn't an even bigger waste when you realise it was all in hindsight a dream. not just a game of two halves.

Play with the hand you're dealt... radio? The only worse job for an Aspie would be politician

Don't agree with that statement at all. Howard Stern, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity-- the world is full of braying jackasses who have made it big in radio. And those people aren't even Aspies-- just as*holes (and I say that because of their demeanor, not their views, because I agree with all of them at least some of the time). I mean, if Delilah were on a telephone, she'd be a stalker or something. But on the radio she's a nationally syndicated wonderful human being.

Lots of Aspies are stand-up comedians and such. Maybe paid, maybe not-- but there it is.

Look-- you had a bad day. Everybody has bad days. Would a neurotypical recover from getting missed by the bus faster, and show up calm and unruffled and 13 minutes late?? Probably. But maybe not.

Maybe it's a sign that you can't, shouldn't try, all your dreams are a waste. Maybe it's a sign that that actually isn't the right place for you, and that far far better things await you elsewhere. Maybe it's a sign that things weren't going your way that day, and every job opening has one "winner" and a handful of "losers," and now you're engaging in the common cognitive distortion of black-and-white thinking when what you ought to be thinking is, "Maybe I'll be the winner for the next one. OK. What useful things did I learn today??"

Congrats! I hope that once you've got your foot in the door, they recognize your abilities.

I am also in mass communications. I studied TV production in college--talk about a of tuition. But at least I managed to get a job in my field. I wanted to be on-camera talent, but as it turned out, I had the perfect face for radio (no insult intended to you, or to radio in general--just to my looks). I don't interview well at all. I'm good at doing the job once I get in but the only reason I got my job was because there was low unemployment in the country at the time and they were scraping the bottom of the barrel. I've been here 15 years.

Hey guys. I have an update since I made the original post a few months ago. I ended up getting in the door at that station after all. They needed another person. But, I still felt isolated and out of place there. Fast forward to the end of February. One of the stations where I did my first internship and worked all summer at, had an opening for the evening show. I was told about it by one of the announcers so, I applied. I had a good rapport with my boss and he called me back to tell me I didn't get the job but, he told me that I was improving. This NEVER happens in radio. I am glad he told me but, it was a hard blow. Three weeks after that, I get a call out of the blue. It turns out one of the company's stations in another part of the country was looking for somebody to do the morning show. My old boss sent my resume and demo to the Station Manager. He interviewed me over the phone and the next day, I got the job. The interview went really well and I felt really comfortable with him. I was also very honest. We made a connection right away because we grew up in the same area. It is so much better than the one I applied for and it's for the morning show. This also NEVER happens to someone starting out in radio. Getting a morning show this soon is awesome and a rarity. And to think...I NEVER applied for it. It is amazing how life is...one minute you feel like crap because you think your life is going nowhere and the next minute...this happens. I still can't believe it. I start in a couple of weeks and...this is THE best thing that has ever happened to me. I have really good feelings about this job. The post that started this whole thing off came as a result of frustration. I felt that my life was not going to get any better and then...it did. I am really happy and excited to start this next chapter of my life. I know already that my boss will help guide me and also be extremely supportive. I have not told him about my AS but...I was honest with him about being confident on the air (something which I think I will have no problem with in this position in a small market). Anyway, things are much better and hopefully my life will remain ok. Luckily, when I told my friends and family...they were all blown away and they have all been extremely supportive. Here's to the future...