why do i allow myself to live?

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i am trash, absolute trash. my life is a joke and my face is the punchline. i am a lumbering lump of fat, hobbling along like a toddler while the others gawk at me, bumping into everything, knocking things down, falling flat on my own face. i am subhuman, some hack artist's terrible attempt at making a person, petty and childish with no depth of feeling or knowledge, incapable of any meaningful interaction with the world. i am an object of derision and nothing else.

whatever i come into contact with, i ruin. everything goes down with me. whatever i try, i fail at. any attempt i might make to improve myself is presumptuous and frankly offensive, as it assumes i have the capacity to improve myself. and in the end my only motivation is my narcissism. i am so narcissistic, so vain. and yet cursed with an obscene, jiggling, pockmarked body – i look like how the gayest man on earth might view a woman, utterly disgusting in my weak flabby form – and a face that's barely perceptible as a face, just an asymmetrical mishmash of features: blank mongoloid eyes, a bulbous nose, sickly lips and the bloated cheeks of an obese child. the complexion of a terminal AIDS patient. it is a testament to my lack of self-awareness that i still allow myself to go outside.

i satisfy my narcissism by telling myself i'm intelligent. of course this is not true. like an idiot savant i can memorize thousands of irrelevant details and thus i maintain the façade of intelligence i present to others so i can feel superior and self-satisfied; but behind that there is no real understanding. i am an imposter. i have never had an original thought in my life: my mind is a flimsy patchwork of snippets of ideas cobbled together from the sources i've decided would make me seem smartest. i have never had an iq test; i am never going to take one, because i will likely be told that i'm mentally ret*d, and my narcissistic little self would never be able to bear that.

i am a burden on others, a petty little child throwing tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants. i use people for my own ends and then i'm surprised when they no longer want anything to do with me, because inside my infantile mind i can't understand why people wouldn't like me – after all, i'm so smart and perfect, right? i drove my parents into alcoholism as a child and jumped ship when i got tired of dealing with the consequences of my actions. now i live off of taxpayers' money and contribute nothing back to the society whose swollen teats i suckle. i never will – no one would ever hire me, and if someone made the mistake of doing so i'd be fired within a week.

i am a disgusting whore, i give everything away for free. i am gutter trash. i am loved, out of necessity, out of a desire to end crushing loneliness, by people who don't know any better. i feel sorry that they had to fall in love with me. they deserve better.

i am a repulsive creature. i would like to die in the most agonizing way. i would like to be beaten to death by muggers in broad daylight on the middle of a busy street. i want to be brutally punished because i'm not able to punish myself nearly as much as i deserve. i am subhuman and i deserve to be treated as such: trampled underfoot and tossed into the trash, among dog s**t and rotting meat.

Maybe because someone wants you? –> re: outcasts

This world isn't permanent for anyone. It will either ensnare us or teach us how to be free.

Very eloquent and sad. Depression can really skew your view and self perception, so I hope things appear in a better light down the road.

Depression can be made worse by anti-depressants. Do you realize labels can be locks?

Psychologists and Psychiatrists do have it right in saying there is an imbalance going on in the brain. What they're not trained to realize is that the imbalance is the symptom . . . not the cause.

I highly recommend people read –> Mad in America <– and what –> Dr. David Healy <– (a brilliant psychiatrist, psychopharmacologist, and scientist.) says.

NaturalNews.com has a great article called –> Don't let your child see a psychiatrist. Ever <– by Jon Rappoport

Here are some trustworthy experts on mental health: Dr. Karl Augustus Menninger, Dr. Jay Adams (nouthetic.org), David Powlison, M.Div., Ph.D., Lawrence J. Crabb, Jr., Morgan Scott Peck (23 May 1936 – 25 September 2005; psychiatrist), Dr. Scott A. Johnson, Malcolm Bowden, Rev. Dr. Robert J. K. Law (living), William Law (born 1686 - died April 9, 1761), Martin Mayman, and Paul Pruyser.

Instead of escaping into self-pity, spend your time educating yourself. You ultimately control the quality of your life.

Only you can help yourself. I think it would help you to know what direction to begin changing your life.

because of antidepressants i was able to stop self-harming. if i had not stopped i would probably have died, or at least become severely ill from chronic blood loss/inevitable infection.

i would greatly appreciate it if you stopped trying to inject your reprehensible ideology into a thread i created for the purpose of expressing my emotions. it comes off as clueless & tacky at best, utterly callous at the worst.

Self image is precisely that: self.

I know women who thought themselves a waste of skin because they weren't 'pretty' ...and they were actually quite good looking.
I know women who i consider not pretty, some even ugly... but other people find them hot and sexy.

Finding the person that thinks greatly of you is the real difficulty.

Dont give up.

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