Son driving me nuts

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I had a abusive childhood and in that neglected house i managed to get good grades, always kept to myself and did all household chores
But my son has been opposite. We gave him a good childhood he is 9 now and backanswers throws tantrums.
yesterday night he came back from playing around 9.30pm we asked him to eat dinner.
He wouldnt budge for half an hour we requested to eat dinner and then go to play batminton
there is late night batminton batches on weekends.
he wont budge and finally i hit him
my husband yelled at me and said i shouldnt hit him.
I dont like when my husband intervenes whenever i try to discipline my son
Because he supports his bad behaviour and instigates against me.
So i threw the plate full of food on my husband.
He got hurt and his leg started bleeding due to the sharp edge of the plate.
My son started yelling at me saying that i am bad and he will attempt suicide
by then i lost my patience with him and throttled his neck and said i will kill him
My husband intervened and said he will hit me if i tried doing such things
All the while my husband supported our spoilt brat son
i told him i will leave the house and move out.
and i dont want to live with him
i need a divorce

I am fed up of my husbands behaviour
he doesnt communicate with me
he comes from office and takes a beer can, switches on the TV, watches the football or cricket match
I was telling him that my thyroid levels have increased and i did a blood test.
to this he just replied ok.
I also told him that the guys who punctured our sons cycle i have scolded them
to this he didnt reply anything.
i find this guy is crazy.

Is there any future for me with him
Is this guy sane

from your post it appears that your son and husband are better off without you.

If this post is for real and just not to instigate... then look up the meaning of your user name.

If someone treated me as you describe of how you treat your son and spouse I would disrespect you and not budge too. What part of your behavior deserves respect? None of it. No amount of frustration you suffer on behalf of your bent out of shape ego warrants the abuse you describe.

You seriously need help.

**edit: as for the part you talk about your health issues... your behavior warrants the response you get from him. I would not be talking to you either. You have come off mean and nasty in the first part of your post. People like you keep me in a constant state of shut down. Did you ever consider that your behavior keeps your son in a constant state of overload and shutdown? Probably not.

If thats the case then i wont interfere in their business
i would just keep still whenever my son throws tantrums
or steals money
or tells lies
if supporting wrong behaviour with silence is called good then so be it

Sounds like your husband and son are trying very hard to "tune out"... to ignore the negativity all around them when they get home. (Shouldn't a 9 year old be in bed by 9:30?) They'll avoid the house as much as possible and ignore you when they're stuck there.

You never mentioned this side of your issues before... and I would gather that most of your troubles at home at work are brought on by you and your violent outbursts.
You MUST be able to control your emotions and actions. Do NOT blame others for the actions YOU have done.

Hitting children is inexcusable, no how much you may think they "deserve" it. Threatening to kill someone over not eating their dinner is an extreme and dangerous over-reaction.

Even hitting or throwing things at your husband for not taking your side is unhealthy for your relationship - it'll only cause him to dislike/hate you more and more.



...I want to tell you the story of my mother as a warning of the future. My mother was exactly like this... everything had to be done HER way and if anyone objected, she would scream with rage! When she was in a rage, she would hit us, insult us, destroy our possessions or throw them in the trash. Worse than all that, she denied ever doing it! She always though she was perfect and loving every day - that it was all of us who were awful people who were constantly rude to her. It's ALWAYS someone else's fault when she's clearly to blame!
More examples: I was in the hospital for over 4 months with a broken leg - she visited me all of 6-10 times in those ~150 days, but she tells everyone (including me) about how wonderful she was about bringing eggs for breakfast and Dairy Queen ice cream every single night the whole time.
she tried to kick my father in the balls but her feeble attempt was blocked and she fell backwards, breaking her arm against the wall. For YEARS afterwards she told everyone about how awful he was for breaking her arm!
A few years later, she tried to kick ME in the balls, didn't even come close to the height of my groin, and only succeeded in kicking the side of my shin with her shin. She then flopped to the ground, screaming, "oh oh oh... YOU kicked ME!!" She then took herself to the hospital, got herself a medical bracelet for her arm, then told everyone we know about her eeeevil son karate-kicking her in the leg!

To this day, she still cannot accept the real version of all these events... the ones she made up in her head make her a "saint" and "poor victim" so she prefers them. If you press the issue too much, she'll go insane, start screaming in rage and having a tantrum like a small child!

Because she cannot ever accept the real course of events and ALWAYS changes her memory to make herself a saint or victim, she has NO friends and no one can stand being around her for long.



This is the future I see for you if you continue doing the exact same thing.

Your son and husband are not "bad" for not obeying your every command - and they certainly doesn't deserve to be hurt or killed!

Respect, kindness, friendship and love is all EARNED slowly by YOU treating them with the same kindness. It takes many good acts to remove the damage done from a bad action (like hitting or insulting them) and a lot of time. You're going to have to work hard to put out the fire you've started, otherwise it'll burn down the whole house and your family will never trust you again.


Please don't end up like my mother... Change has to start with YOU.

Last edited by BlueMax on 13 Apr 2013, 2:00 am, edited 2 times in total.

I just noticed you mention your 9 year old has some very bad behaviour. That comes from either the friends he's with, or his environment at home. It's odd to see such violent behaviour from someone so young - except in violent homes.

Please i am his mother why would i want to kill him or harm him
i requested him for half an hour to sit and eat dinner
i told him i will feed him with my own hands
i went to the store and bought some curd for him so that he can eat comfortably
i told him i will get icecream if he eats dinner and goes to play
it was around 9.45pm at night and he would continue playing till midnight
and miss out dinner
I requested in every way possible and when he didnt listen i just hit him on his back
to this my husband intervened shouting i shouldnt hit him
that provoked me
i keep making tiffins and sending it for my son and he brings back the tiffin as it is
without eating it
i throw away the food...i make delicious pasta, french fries everything is thrown away
i tolerate his tantrums in every possible way
but my husband supports his behaviour
and ok if you say that i am turning into a control freak
so i will back off
and no longer interfere in his upbringing.

Pffft! You have changed your story. You sound EXACTLY like bluemax's mother now. You CLEARLY stated how you throttled your sons neck saying you would kill him.

You are responsible for your own behavior. No one can MAKE you behave in the awful ways you do. Oh... no one but yourself that is.

Regardless... Namaste - the spirit in me honors the spirit in you.

You have the power to change yourself. I know you do. No one in this world is beyond changing for the better. I hope you get the help you need. One way or another.

so what do you expect me to do when my son misbehaves
i tried every possible nice way to talk with him
for more then half an hour i tried the right way
and ultimately he provoked me to do the wrong thing

There are some very good books, classes and courses that teach better parenting methods.

"Kids are Worth It" by Barbara Coloroso is an excellent start... it'll explain what you're doing wrong and how it hurts your son. It'll also explain more effective methods and WHY they work.


Your son is MAD AS HELL at you for the things you've done. Cooking him one nice meal isn't going to change that.
Bribing him with ice cream won't change that.
Saying you'll spoon-feed him like a baby is an insult that will bring on more anger.
Hitting him or threatening to kill him will bring on more anger and sadness.


Your methods don't work. You'll have to learn what methods will.

More importantly, you have to repair all the damage you've caused before you'll get the love and smiles you expect from them. This is going to take a long time of doing things right, admitting your mistakes and doing everything you can to not repeat those mistakes!

It's not going to be easy.

And it has to start with you.

Your son can provoke you until he is blue in the face. Your reaction to it is your responsibility. He is NINE.

If your son refuses to eat... is missing one dinner going to hurt him? I bet not. But your constant reprimanding and being on his case will. So he misses a meal.. so what? When he is hungry enough - he'll eat.

As for naughty behaviors like theft - I would fight fire with fire. I would not say a word and while he is away I would take something of his. Not a favorite thing, but a nick nack or some such he has in his room. When he asks about it I would explain it was stolen. I would ask him if he likes how he is feeling. Then point out that when he steals that is how people feel when he takes their stuff. Explain he can have his item back when he promises to quit stealing. Aspies are usually very honest and truthful. I am surprised to hear your son steals. It makes me wonder if he understands the morality in it. Doing what I said should show him that.

Aspies are mind blind. That means it may not occur to him how someone feels when he takes their stuff. You can tell him all you want... if he can't grasp what you say... he won't quit stealing... will argue with you even. Giving him a real life experience to learn from is good medicine in my opinion. But I would not keep the item you took from him for life. You want to teach him the lesson... not give him resentment and punishment.

As for talking back... some aspies learn communication by mimicking. Girls even more than boys. If you yell at him... you bet your bottom dollar he will yell at you. You have heaps of resentments with your son... he is a kid... he learned his behaviors - he sure wasn't born with them. Your frustrations are better used turned into determination to control your own temper and behavior. I bet as you improve, your son will too.

That goes for your relationship with your hubby too. Educate yourself on how the aspie mind works. You owe that to your son. You owe that to your own peace of mind. You owe it to your family. You really do need to learn to control your temper.

As for your thyroid issues... buy yourself some macca root tablets and you will be fine in no time.

All this sounds so confusing
i myself never had a good childhood
my parents were 100 times worse
i dont understand this complex method of parenting
why cant he just listen to what i say
i always used to listen to my parents

Maybe things are different in your culture... but most people on Earth don't respond well to screaming, insults, threats and violence.


Start with finding some books on the subject... you can do it.

Just remember one very important principle: If you don't acknowledge the real problem, you'll never be able to FIX it.


The real problem isn't that your son won't listen to you, it's that he doesn't want to. This could be for many reasons... but I can only speculate from what you said earlier, that he doesn't like or respect you - likely because of how you've treated him in the past.


Me? I give respect (like the kind you want) ONLY to those people who treat ME with respect and kindness. My twisted, sick mother does not get my respect no matter how much she demands it - only my civility (as far as my patience can hold out against her insanity.)

I never ever would hit my children (four boys), children are not machines made to obey you. They are individuals that need to be treated with respect (not handfed at nine year old). I do know that you are from a very different culture and I know little of Indian culture (but have lived in Tanzania for a couple of years). Hitting children is normal in most parts of the world but it will never ever earn you respect with your children. It might make them do what you want, as long as you look at them but as soon as you turn your back they will live in their own world - it begets fear and not trust and respect. If he fears or disrespects you he will never turn to you with his problems when older! The highest praise for me would be if my boys would call me at late in the night and telling me that they were not able to come home because they were to drunk - not because they were drunk but because it is a token of faith in their mother.

There are lots of resources on child behavior and how to treat children (and other people) on the internet and in books. All of them start with your self. but - there are not many that are targeted AS children or AS parents. Before I knew that I have AS I was very worried about my middle son (he is nine years old now) because he would throw "tantrums" that I did not understand. Now that I know I understand so much more and I understand that all the books I read have no advice to offer. It is mostly worthless unless the child is NT. Turn to the parents board on WP instead if he is not NT.

I know it is not easy having AS and maybe your son has AS also, as it is inherited. Consider your own weaknesses (tantrums or meltdowns) and see if you can recognize any of that behavior in him. It has made me a much better and more tolerant parent, especially because i am learning to control my own meltdowns. If I am very near a meltdown I will tell the children to go and watch a film and leave me (often cooking in the kitchen - as that takes a lot of my time as an single parent). The oldest (13 years old) understands that and he will take the other three and put on a video - leaving me in to calm down. I can only do this because I am learning my own limits (was diagnosed this January).

USE the parents forum, but be prepared for harsh answers (most of them from another culture than your own). Many people here have been mistreated and have very strong opinions. Most advice in the parents board is exellent.

Many answers here are brutally honest and direct, given by people with AS, so be prepared to learn and sometimes forgive a rash word.

One tiny little comment.

About your husband veggieing out in front of the TV and not responding to you when he gets home.

Thats a common issue in marriages.

When one spouse ( typically the man) has a high pressure job, and the other (typically the wife) stays home with the young children it commonly creates a contradictory emotionally situation.

Your husband has to be on the ball and answer constantly to clients and bosses. So when he gets home he has the freedom to be silent.

The wife has no one to talk to all day but young children. So when the husband gets home the wife sees it as having the freedom to talk to another adult. And then you have the domestic issues to report to him about.

So you end up opposed to each other. Not sure of the solution. But thats what happens.

unlike western culture here parents are very strict with children.
parents never act like friends with children they always act like dictators
children mostly fear their parents
in my house they were crazy...
but my husband is off the indian standard and he is pampering my son the wrong way
he learnt things from his own parents
who are now deep in depression, because their elder son turned out to be good for nothing
he sold the house, has no job, abuses them and takes away all their money to spend on alcohol
and younger one my husband was a useless guy until i straightened him by being strict with him.
Now he is out to ruin my son...
so be it

i wont follow western culture to raise my son
children leave their homes at 18 and never look back
they just turn up on christmas

ya that could be the case.
so i prefer to go out take a walk
or find someone to talk with
earlier i used to log onto chat server
and talk with random people
it uses to ease my loneliness to an extend