Looking for advice to help my aspie girlfriend's depression

Post Reply New Topic

Hello everyone,

I am a new member here, and I come bearing some problems that I hope some of you can will be able to share some light and advice on the matter.

Well, it's kind of a long story that I will try to summarize. First of all, I don't have an Asperger diagnosis and, frankly, I don't think I have such condition, although I do identify myself when reading about the social struggles, difficulties to enjoy the superficial neurotypical interactions and deep fascination on a narrow range of topics. Throughout my childhood I had lots of trouble in school, always afraid of what the Teacher or the other kids would say or do to me. I used to spend the breaks inside the classroom while the other kids would go out and play because I was afraid the Teacher might get angry with me or something like that if I went out.

Anyway, I got passed that and during my high-school I managed to learn how to socially integrate with my fellow-mates, I had managed to cultivate lots of friends and so on. I do still find challenging some social interactions, but nothing that the persona I had built during the years can't deal with.

I had always a deep fascination for Science and Technology, some could say a fascination pretty much alike the ones Aspies develop; I would trade any kind of social gathering for a good reading on an interesting subject any time of the day. Eventually I managed to get a Physics degree and, although I face some financial problems, I guess one can say I am coping pretty well with life's opportunities. Maybe my position in the autistic spectrum is somewhere in between neurotypicals and aspies, I had actually performed an online test which indicated me that; that is just speculation though.

But this post isn't about me; it's about my girlfriend. We had being seeing each other for the past two years and I find her the most amazing person in the Universe; I just can't picture myself living without her any longer. She is the person that I had managed to create the strongest connection ever with and I am pretty sure she feels the same for me; she doesn't have any friends, never had, and is in constant crisis because she feels her mother, her family, the world doesn't understand her. She has constant existentialist crisis, feels anxious and desperate for the actual state of the human race and so on, although she is only seventeen (yeah, just like the Beatles song). She had told me that, when she was a kid, the psychologist in a special school she attended to told her mother she probably had Asperguer's, but she mother never gave too much thought to that. She believes her flaws are only her's to blame, even though she has a "disease" she should be able to overcome it, like the way she went to work while she was sick cause it was the right thing to do (yeah, I know, a horrible thing to say, I had to control myself while listening to this crap through the phone). Anyway, I started to research n order to learn more about this condition and I became rather fascinated by it; not only my girlfriend has that for sure, but many of the things I love about her are positive aspies traits. If it was indeed a disease and there was a magic pill to cure it I believe such pill would kill the person I am in love with and replace her with someone else, someone boring.

But I digress, the reason I am writing this is because sometimes I get totally lost about the way I should act in order to relief some of her anxiety and suicidal thoughts. There are times I manage to make she see the bright side of life, there are other that she gets mad at me and sinks deeper and deeper in her depression. When I learned about this forum I tried to encourage her to participate but she dismissed the idea, "to know that other people also have such problems will not solve anything" and one time I read to her something written by an aspie guy who was also having depressive, suicidal thoughts and she got really, really angry at me for that.

I can relate somehow with he thoughts (I had some of them in the past too), but I just can't make she look such problems through my perspective. She just rejects anything positive in life during her crisis, even the things she loves like music and other kind of arts, and I fear every second for her safety, both psychological and physical.

I know she doesn't live in a understanding environment and I intend to make she move in with me some time in the near future and then I will look for a professional who is able to help her, but in the meantime I just try my best to pull her from the abyss, and there are times when I think she won't hold the rope anymore.

I am sorry for the gruesome tone of this post; things aren't always that bad and we have a lot of good time together, but when those kinds of things happen I just feel impotent, desperate and clueless. I wonder if some of you would have a similar experience and maybe could give some thoughts on it.

Thank you for your time reading this.

sounds like in addition to asperger's, she may have borderline personality disorder or depression or both. your plan to get her help is a good one.

try to see things from her perspective and acknowledge how rough things are for her. continue to offer alternatives to self-harm, but only after thoroughly demonstrating you understand why she is feeling that way.

she needs more than a friend can give, but that doesn't mean you can't do anything. whatever you're doing already is good, or she wouldn't stay with you.

don't blame yourself when you don't seem to be able to reach her. she is ultimately responsible for herself.

You say she is 17 years old and you have been dating her for 2 years, so that would have made her 15 when you began dating. You sound like you're established and at least a college grad (physics degree). In that case I'm a little wary of helping you because you were dating a minor and still are, while you are a grown man (unless you are a genius of Doogie Howser sort). I think you should let her parents help her while you work on finding someone closer to your own age.

I'm so sorry. The only thing you can do is love her and appreciate her. I hope you can get her to talk to a therapist. My daughter (16) has many of the same issues and it is very difficult. I can't even comprehend what she is going through in regards to the loneliness. You just have to let them know they are loved and remind them of their wonderful aspects.. without being patronising or sounding over the top with it. I personally don't believe people when they say good things abt me that I believe are not true and it makes me angry that they"lie" to me. It's a fine line but it sounds like you're doing great. Try to get her to see a therapist though.

Maybe it's teenage stress?

If it gets really serious; maybe telling her you'd miss her if she died would be a good solution. Maybe snuggling together for a few hours will help.

And maybe the age thing is bad wording?

@Gregory_Hunter, how old are you and her?

Unfortunately, nothing can be done to make her get help unless she becomes a danger to herself others, or cannot take care of herself or becomes unable to manage her own affairs. Even if she does choose to get help, some people are still naturally treatment resistant even when they are making the effort. You can try to lead her to get help and promise to be there for her every step of the way. It will take more effort, but tends to be more effective than talking someone into doing it by themselves.

There are multiple subjects that need to be addressed to be healthy. I don't know how many you are already aware of, but her are some approaches you could use to try to help her. Many of these you can actively participate in together as opposed to being there for her.

Biomedical (everything from medications to psychosurgery)
Support
Therapy
Environment
Consistency
Diet, exercise, supplements
Religious/spiritual
Social
Recreation
Family (if safe and mostly constructive to do so)
Alternative therapies (methods may be questionable)

Hey guys. Sorry I took so long to answer. I forgot to mark this topic to notify me when there was a reply and I had assumed no one had answered; besides I got trapped in a lot of things in my life and I didn't think to come back here until now.

Anyway, about the borderline disorder, I have that kind of suspect too. Today I brought up again the subject and she answered me something like this: "I don't think a neurotypical psychologist might help me. I am already good at analyzing my problems, I just don't like what I find out". I tried to tell her that there are different ways to deal with the problems in our life and in the world, and different ways lead to different results about our feelings towards them, even if such problems don't work out right away. She didn't seem to acknowledge such line of thought.

Well, about the age issue, I was afraid that would come up. Okay, allow me to explain: I started dating her when she was 16 and I was 27; now she had just turned 18 and I am 29. I know it looks a little weird, but it definitely wasn't something illegal; age of consent in my country is 14(! !! !). I wouldn't be involved with someone that young, and I would have seconds thoughts about 16 in the first place if I knew about it, but she told me she had 20 years old and she surely looked like that at the time. Considering she was more mature than friends of mine with 27 years old such issue didn't strike me as odd at the occasion.

Well... today she told me she wanted a time off the relation because she feels like there is something wrong with it, although she wasn't able to explain it to me. I know aspies have a hard time to communicate their feeling through body language and such, and she frequently acts like I am able to read her mind and find out and she is thinking, and refuses to explain things cause "they are complicated to explain".

I feel she is confused regarding how she should act and feel about a relationship, even though I am the person she has less trouble to connect and communicate to.

i do fell very bad about this whole time off thing, but I am mainly worried about she not having the attention and understanding she needs. She surely won't get it from her parents (she mother thinks asperger is a disease she could cure herself using positive thinking the same way she did with dengue fever).

I had checked the notification box now and I should be able to answer promptly. I hope you don't judge me bad about the age issue; She is, indeed, the most mature person I know (disregarding the paradoxical immature thoughts she occasionally has, like the psychologist stuff).

Oh, and thanks everyone for the multiple advice, I shall study them carefully.