How to accept that I have needs?

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Yeah, you read that subject line correctly.

I feel intense guilt and embarrassment every time I find myself needing to ask somebody else for any kind of assistance, no matter how trivial.

Today, I went to the landlord's office. There was mold in my bedroom, and when I came back from work today, my bedroom walls were all torn apart. I went to the office to ask for another apartment to stay in while half of mine was out of commission (that is their legal responsibility when it comes to issues like black mold, after all) and one of the women claimed there was nothing that could be done at the time because the manager just left for the day. I went back home feeling frustrated because of how embarrassed and ashamed I was - how dare I ask a question like that?!?!?

Yeah. It's irrational. It's who I am.

So, that's what I am dealing with tonight. It's lovely.

Sometimes nothing can be done because the manager is gone for the day. It's not about you.

We all have needs, but since you apparently are not living in a one room home; you do have a sheltered place to sleep in tonight.

Are you confusing inconvenience with needs or rights with needs?

one thing you could do is to practice sticking up for yourself often until it becomes comfortable.

Maybe I should articulate further and explain that the situation is a LOT deeper than this.

I feel a need to be validated by my family and by the people around me. I can articulate the way I feel very well by writing, but I can't vocalize my emotions very well. That leads to a lot of people telling me that I don't know what I am talking about, and to a lot of people telling me that I don't know how I feel.

I also don't like it when a few of the people in my life tell me that I should "be a man" or "get over it" every time I feel the slightest bit of frustration. Being told to "get over it" when I was getting beaten and sexually humiliated every day was an experience that I lived through for a long period of my life. I feel a need to express my grief that I was denied a normal past, and that I never had a moment of innocence in my life, but people tell me to "get over it", that I should sweep it under the rug, that I have no right to have the need to feel anything about any of this.

Oh, and living with black mold in the apartment is more of an issue than mere "inconvenience".

I have exactly the same problem. I am a person that people come to for help. I don't ask for help, outside of this site, really. I've always been EXTREMELY averse to publicly showing any type of weakness. Asking for help... knowing that I can't do something myself... just makes me feel like absolutely s**t. It's pretty bad... actually, it's so bad that I have trouble doing things like applying for jobs because that involves me putting my fate in someone else's control, and asking someone for something. I'm pretty sure this is the issue behind my dating problems too.

nothing wrong with writing your assertive statements.

the past you describe is something no one "gets over". people who say things like that don't have a clue.

Thanks for the deeper explanation. I have experienced both.

The easy one is what you call black mold. I did live in a rental house that developed something black on the bedroom walls. I assumed it to be mildew but didn't get it tested, so like you, I didn't know exactly what it was. I washed all the walls with dilute bleach and it was gone until it reappeared less than a week later. After another two wall cleanings, I looked deeper. I discovered that the plaster was damp because of a wet basement. I then opened the basement windows to allow the dampness to evaporate. I lived in the house another 8 years without anything black on the walls.

It was my right to have the Land Lord do all that for me but he simply was not going to do it, so I did what had to be done so that I could live cleanly and comfortably without the cost of taking him to court or moving to another house. I made a choice. It was an inconvenience to say the least, but it's one of many concrete issues I handled in my adult life which has given me a healthy sense of competence.

I was also sexually abused as a child and my family did/does expect me to sweep it under the rug and/or just get over it. I know how hurtful it is. I still have trouble being overly sensitive about not being taken seriously or heard. Yes, it does affect us for life. But as adults it's important to understand the difference between inconvenience and the horrific victimization of being abused as a child.

You do have a need to express your grief about your losses, which are significant. I did that in therapy, it was specifically about my significant losses as a child. It also included coping strategies as an adult (mostly that I have choices in every instance when I examine it and that they are really my choices to make).

I still feel the old emotional echoes when my concerns are dismissed. But the kind of concerns that elicit the emotional echoes and who has the power to evoke them have been significantly changed/reduced in my adult life. Only loved ones/family have the power to bring back the old bad feelings, not some lazy landlord or incompetent boss.

I'm not going to tell you to get over it, a lost childhood is never retrieved. Nor will I tell you to be a man; that phrase is spoken to humiliate. I will urge you to start taking a more pragmatic view of ordinary inconveniences and problems. As adults we can learn be problem solvers and survivors of inconveniences without being thrown into emotional turmoil. It's a worthy goal because the next inconvenience is just around the corner and it can be solved and put behind us without losing dignity or faith.

Thanks, MountainLaurel.

Yeah, it's more than just slightly frustrating when I perceive myself as being a lab rat with dreams of being the proud lion who keeps his head up in the jungle.

My frustrations are triggered way too easily for my own good.

At least I have a therapy appointment tomorrow to look forward to. I think I am going to go out, have a rueben and a root beer, get some earplugs (there is an industrial fan in my bedroom, and it's louder than a chainsaw, and I hear it very much in my living room where my mattress is), and try to sleep tonight.

Emotional invalidation is something LOTS of otherwise moral people do. Note I said "otherwise" moral. It is not right, and yet many people aren't even aware they're doing it.

It is my belief that YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO FEEL ANYTHING, ANYTIME. I repeat, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO FEEL ANYTHING, ANYTIME. Only when emotions are properly addressed can they be made sense of and resolved. If someone tries to tell you to "cheer up" or "get over it", THEY ARE IN THE WRONG.

And yes, you even have the right to feel ridiculous things like elation over one of your parents dying (as long as you're not responsible for killing or hastening the death of him/her), horrific depression over winning the lottery, etc. THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE. ANY FEELING. ANYTIME. When you start making ANY exceptions to this, you are back with emotional invalidation.

If I ever still "judge" someone's emotions (consciously or not), I shouldn't.