Feel like exploding.

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Every single day of the year, I feel like I'm wearing a mask. I hide my true feelings ninety-nine percent of the time, because I'm afraid that I won't be understood or that I'd be judged. Last night, I was backstage on Conan, waiting for him to call me out. The dream ended before I got into the chair. Yesterday afternoon, I thought I was somebody important. Now, I'm back to square one: isolated, miserable, and dead inside. It happens a lot. Happy one moment, depressed the next.

Most of the people I see, I'm angry with on some level. I hide the rage, like a lot of my issues. Today, it felt like the rage was about to reach its boiling point. I felt like exploding. Sometimes, I feel like I have the anger of a caged animal. I guess that's the price I pay.

"Yeah, just push my button and watch me pop..." became a threatening expression or warning of mine in my mid-20s during the 1970s, and the therapist I soon began seeing quickly agreed. Sometimes I am angry because I just cannot get stuff out, and other times it angers me that I dare not let something out. Everything I do is done with intensity, and I look for ways to safely "release some steam" like old railroad engineers used to have to do to keep their boilers from exploding.

Finding other people who are willing and able to listen without being afraid -- people who will not shoot at an engineer just doing as he must -- even when I might rant a bit has been extremely helpful, and I hope you can find someone for that just as I have.

I completely understand how you feel. I often feel as though I have to hide my emotions for fear of being judged or misunderstood. I frequently experience the extreme mood swings as well, although, not as frequently as before. Rather than making a concious effort to hide the emotions I feel, I suppress them to the extent that I don't think I feel them at all, which probably isn't healthy...

I cannot offer any advice here, merely my sympathy and a confirmation that others feel the same. I hope things improve for you eventually.