[Another freaking novel] A couple things on my mind

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My family thinks I can't love anything and I'm starting to think they may be right. I'm not sure how to describe the word of what I am feeling but it's kind of like.. I feel disconnected from the things or people in my life I should feel connected to like my family, pets, friends. I've been this way all my life. I never had a pet I truely cared about and had with me everywhere I went or taught things to because I was always watching over everyone else's pets. Everyone else's pets always had some sort of mental malfuction be it seperation anxiety or just plain hatred towards men because they where abused by men. They are not hard to take care of but they take their toll on me with their constant sharp noises, rhythmic howling, bad attitudes towards me, sneaky approaches to discipline (which I've always been very fair about.) etc.

I feel this has influenced my relationships with the animals that I actually DO own. For instance, my cat had kittens and I just don't feel anything for them. I haven't named them, I've played with them but they are very independant and get afraid when they see me. They don't enjoy being handled, The only cat that does care anything about me is their mom whom I took in from outside.. If I was younger I would've named them by now.. I would be in my old office room playing with them once in awhile and overall enjoying them but I don't.. They have a whole nice room to themselves with all kinds of cat toys and everything they need expect love and play from me.

This makes me feel guilty yet I don't bring myself to do anything about if often, It might be because the mom cat is a stray I just up and decided to take care of but I enjoyed her company when she would stay in my room. Recently I switched rooms and my mom insisted (her way of forcing me to do something) that I keep my cats in my old room because it has a wooden floor and they can't rip up or ruin anything in there. I really miss sharing my bed with my cat. It was really comforting having her there, feeling her breathe, hearing her purr when I pet her while she sleeps. She'd be there in the morning and boop me with her little wet nose as a type of "Hello, Good morning!".

I also have this "feeling" with other people or even family members. Sometimes I'll over hear my family talking to other people on the phone or in person and all they ever have to say are nice things. All I ever seem to have to say about them is negative things.. I love my family, I do nice things for them, help them grow, etc. etc. But they mostly run my life at the moment and I think I might just resent them for it. My mom used to beat me a lot as a child before my diagnosis and my sister has always been competitive with me (age wise) trying to do things to appear older such as smoking, having sex at a young age, etc. I find that when I talk about them all I can think about is negative things.

Now, here's a pretty big problem.. I already know that I have ODD (Opositional Defiance Disorder) but I don't think that applys to regular people that aren't authoritive figures in my life.. I absolutely just hate people, I don't want to know them, I don't want to hear them talk, I don't want them to touch me, If they look at me it pisses me off. Sometimes I will get so fed up with them starting at me I just force eye contact, brutally, If they back up or move away I'll follow them a bit and maintain strong eye contact just to freak them out. This doesn't happen often, you would have to catch me on a really bad day..

But other days, it's the nice people that bother me the most, the ones whom I actually let into my life or let know things about me. It's like they're constantly testing me, gauging what they can and can not get away with. They'll sometimes assume that because I'm not giving them eye contact during conversation that I must be unconfident or something, stuff like that. This will change the way they interact with me.. Take my sister's boyfriends for instance. When they first meet me they're intimidated by me (I've heard these things from my sister.) or they stay away from me because they think I'm weird or something.

Then as soon as I try and be nice to them or share something about myself, or ask about them in order to try and be nice to them for my sister's sake something changes. They start to get all macho on me, They do stupid things like start walking around my house like they own the place, bark orders at me and disguise it as a joke, blatantly insult me and disguise it as advice like "Troy, I'll be honest with you man.. You're a p****, you cant just let so and so walk all over you.. You have to speak up!". Or, sometimes they aren't even that constructive. Or it will feel this way just the way they act.

These things make me angry, I have this weird anger.. It doesn't feel normal, it's like animalistic. I'll get so angry I make little plans in my head like:

Next time I see so and so.. and they punch me in the chest as their way of saying hello:
- Discombobulate
- press thumbs into eyes, push to the ground and pull face to me
- human mouth can produce enough pressure to bite a finger off like a carrot..
- bite into so and so's throat and rip it out

or sometimes It's just simply wanting to pick up that particular person and slam them through the drywall and kick their face in. I am a fairly big guy ( 6'3(190.5 cm) and 200 lbs) and am capable of some harsh retaliation but I dont, these people are usually relative to my life like.. a sister's boyfriend, or a friend of my mom's or sisters. etc.

Usually when I get this angry I just seethe for awhile, like.. maybe an hour or two. Depends on what I'm doing, if I go on a long walk it usually helps. My mind will just race through my whole day, deciding that was wrong to think about, I'd feel bad about thinking it because I'm really not a violent person.. I'm a computer programmer, I love my family, I don't like as*holes and I can defend myself with words before resorting to any physical stuff, which then I'd probably only dodge till they got tired or restrain them somehow.

Also, lately I've been completely restless. Everything I used to be good at or enjoy doing like playing games on my computer or programming computers just seems tedious. I can't stand playing ANY game for more then like.. 30 minutes. I could make a program just fine but I have no inspiration.. Kind of like how a book writer has a writer's block type of things.

All my life I've had to be good, perfect, kind, chivalrish, caring, etc. I don't have to TRY to be these things, they've come naturally to me over the years but sometimes I just feel like being selfish and locking my door, not helping anyone for the day, not being considerate, not worrying about anyone but me, not listening to someone else's drama which they already know how to fix but don't want to face the facts that they have full power to fix it themselves if they only went about it logically! But I never get this peace, my life is affected by my family or some extension of their relations every. single. day.

Relationship-wise I don't even try, I feel too unstable to make anyone happy, safe, and secure. I've been this way a long time, I'm worried about a few things on this route, I talk quite a bit about things. I've been told men aren't supposed to talk about personal stuff as much as I do but it feels good to be honest. My mom and sister constantly immasculate me when it comes to matters on relationships or even sex. I have all the advice in the world on how to keep a woman happy, make her this, make her that, but I think never having a father has hurt me in this aspect. My view on women is kind of messed up, It's like they're this giant judgmental being and men like myself are just objects to be examined for defects and if you don't fall under the woman's requirements or needs you are thrown away like trash.

My mom often cracks "jokes" at me about being a gay or asexual because I don't even bother chasing women, talking to women, etc. She thinks I should just hit on every woman I meet, no matter if they're my sister's work associates/friends, HER friends, or random women on the street. I already do enough work failing to keep myself happy.. What makes them think I can even begin to work at making another person happy.