i HATE life and im thinking of running away from home

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i hate my life i have aspergers diagnosed at 14 im 15 almost 16 now and not only do i have autism but im also transgender i am female in my brain but have a male body. as if my social skills werent already f'ed up to the extreme i have to act my opposite gender to be somewhat socially acceptable. i cant talk a lot in public, last year in middle school i barley said 1 word to anyone i have been embaressed, done stupid things, been called some terrible things by some 2 little stuck up whores in my class and the teacher always ignored it. this year my first year of high school things are kinda better i talk to a few people in every one of my classes but its so hard and i sometimes f'ck up and say stupid things and hate myself for the rest of the day. im likable because people talk to me but as they start to notice im not on the same social level as them they drift away. not hating me but just i think out of respect that they "think" i want to be left alone. I really want to show them i want to talk to them and be friends but i have no idea how to start talking to them and im so scared of rejection i dont risk anything. there was this kid in my p.e class that im REALLY sure he had aspergers or some other PDD-NOS because he was very socially inappropriate but he talked to EVERYONE and most people hated him and tryed to avoid him. he insulted popular girls that i talk to a little. he even tryed to talk to me one time but like the bitter person i am i tryed telling him to go away and ignored him i dont even know why i did that i hate myself because of that too he left the school i think.

recently i was called a anti social reject by my mom and that really got to me because i was arguing earlier with her and my sister, that really got to me and im thinking of running away or going somewhere to clear my mind i just dont know what to do and i hate everything right now. this is my first post on here because i dont like having aspergers it has RUINED my life and i hate talking about it.

I've known some people like you with horrible childhoods, including myself. Things do get better with time. I made the mistake of isolating. Bad move. I guess if I have any advice is to keep people in your life even though sometimes they can seem like they're against you.

Not sure how to advise without coming across as a d-bag unfortunately theres no simple solution IMO.

However bad it gets at home, it will only deteriorate more if you run away. I am guessing you are in the USA? Until you come of age, you won't be able to support yourself. You need to be able to work to support yourself and when you are a minor it isn't possible. You'll either end up dead or exploited by drug pushers and pimps.

I had to live with a stepfather who was an abusive, unsupportive, negligent deadbeat so in some ways i can empathise with your awful parental problems. in 5 years or less you will be able to fly the nest and support yourself. Just hang in there, it isnt a long time in the grand scheme of things believe me.

You can run away from home, but you can't run away from yourself.

You are only 15. How will you earn money to support yourself? Who will protect you? Where will you sleep?

Do you really think that you have any chance of survival in the real world without your mom to cook for you, house you, and see to it that you have food to eat?

Are you really prepared to protect yourself from predatory pimps, murderers, and other sickos who are just waiting to get their greasy hands on a kid like you?

Really?

[Moved from General Autism Discussion to The Haven]

<Haven Voice>

Please reconsider. Running away likely won't solve anything, and you might put yourself in great personal danger.

Is there a teacher or school counselor that you can trust? Some adult that you feel comfortable talking to? It is important that you talk it over with someone who can guide you and give you the emotional support that you need, instead of risking everything on strangers in a hostile world.

Parents are fallible humans too.
We lose our tempers and say stuff in anger that we wish we could take back.
Sit down with your mother when you are both calm and tell her your concerns.
Write them down if you feel you will be too emotional.
I am sure she will support you through this.
I would tell you it gets better later, but I understand that its now you are concerned with

I have made lots of bad experiences too, with 15 I either wanted to leave from my parents and stand on my own (In my country you can start working around 14-15.) or if not I think I would have killed my father.

If it helps you anything: I dont know since when you are able to be on your own in your country, but when you reach the time and the age, that allows you to stand on your own, earn your own money, .... it can get much better, because then you have so much more influence on your life. So no lousy relatives anymore, nobodies idiots rules in your flat, ... So you will have the opportunity then to change your life the way you need it.

When it comes to classcomerades or coworkers, I too never really managed to have good social contacts. So I was not more bullied then others and I was accepted in class, also were invited to groupstuff, when the whole class was involved, also played with some classcomerades cards during the pauses and so on, but when the school or working contract ended I didnt have contact anymore, so I never managed to have private contacts to people that I had no relation to, that was based on hobby or interests. On the opposite outside of school I managed to have contacts to people in clubs that were related to my hobbies and interests, and because of this for me so important bond, I even managed to do "normal" social stuff with them, like visiting cinemas and so on. So I would recommend you to try find more social contacts that share hobbies with you.

I dont know about school and working systems in your country, but if you only need to wait 1-2 years until you are done with school, I would really try to get through with it, if you can stand living with your family any longer.

Because all the benefits of living on your own you will only be able to get, if you also will be able to do a job, that allows you to live on your own. So the misadvantage of enduring the s**t for a small amount of time, will be rewarded with the rest of your life that you can live according to your rules and fitting to your deeds. I also think that being able to do a good job, also can help you with social contacts later and so on... so when you are later trying to find a partner for a relationship it will be much harder if you are an shy, social awkward Aspie with no job then if you are an shy, social awkward Aspie with at least a regular job.

So if you can stand it in anyway, try to get through that damn years, until you can leave school with the possibility to get a propper job.

If you cant stand to live at home anymore, you could try to find a job that you can do in the evening or on weekends. So you wont be able to afford a flat or something with the money you earn, but maybe it will be sufficient to rent at least a small room in a private house. But see, that you get a propper education, because if you are able to do a propper job will have massive effect on the rest of your life, that will no longer depend on your family, but on your wishes and the possibilty to go after your wishes, depending from the job you can get. As example a good job will allow you to change your body into the way that fits to you.