My mother might die soon. I feel like a terrible person

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My mother has been sick these past few months. She has went to the hospital to run numerous tests. They can't figure out what exactly is causing her symptoms. Her condition is getting worse and we fear that she may die soon. She said that I should spend time with mom [I almost never spend time with her. We live under the same room but rarely have any meaningful conversation]. My older sister (neurotypical) broke down in tears just after telling me that news. I was a poker face. When I went into my room and thought about the situation, the tears started to gradually come but I am fighting them back and wiping them away. I don't want anyone to see me like this. Not even myself. Because the only reason why I want her to live is because I want to still be able to depend on her when necessary. I live under my parents' roof. If she goes, then it's just my dad, whom I hate. My dad was never a good husband to her, he resents ever having kids and getting married to her. He is a good father in some respects and has done good fatherly deeds but a lot of that is due to her pressuring him. And even now in her ill health they constantly argue. I'm afraid that this is making things worse.

I feel guilty now because I don't want her to die for selfish reasons. For eg. I have a well-paying job for now but my contract expires mid-summer and I went through hell trying to get a job in my field in the first place because of how hard job interviews are for me and because I had a large employment gap on my resume at the time (I managed to finally get one because I knew someone in that company who got my foot in the door as a paid intern. And then after graduation they kept me on within the company). I worry that I may struggle to strike out independently (I'm saving money) after this job. So naturally I'm going to be especially worried over losing my mom during a time of uncertainty in my life when it's not like I'll ever have a quality relationship with my dad (I don't want to for obvious reasons). I never was really close to her. She always tells me that she loves me and mothers me a lot (way too much actually). She's very needy. And she sometimes guilt-trips me for getting upset when she oversteps her boundaries. I can understand why my dad gets fed up with her because she goes on these tantrums and gets all passive-aggressive. Though I feel like she is this way because of the way he's treated her.

Quite frankly I don't really feel like spending time with her and trying to become more close to her. I hate admitting this but it's the truth. My sister may be guilt-tripping me and perhaps maybe (hopefully this doesn't sound evil) her crying like that is really just an act. I don't have a good relationship with my sister either and have always felt that my sister may be full of it. It's always been hard for me to do the two-way thing in social relationships. I don't have a natural inclination towards it. It feels like an obligation rather than something I genuinely want to do. Though I've always wondered philosophically whether anyone really does have a natural inclination towards two-way relationships. Whenever I'm two-way with someone, it's because I am interested in what they can do for me. Whether neurotypicals are just better at faking it and pretending like they enjoy being bound by obligations when really the primary motivation is to satisfy self-interest and get what they want out of relationships.

*background information about parents' relationship. TL;DR cut-off*
I don't know if I'm being dramatic when I say this but he may have technically raped her depending on what you consider rape (she personally feels she was raped and I feel she was). When they were 18 he initiated sex and she said No. She wanted to wait until marriage (this was late 1960s rural Catholic Portugal). He blackmailed her by saying that if she doesn't let him have sex with her, he'd dump her. She was afraid that she'd be seen as damaged goods by future suitors if she dated a guy previously (this might not have been true even for 1960s rural Catholic Portugal. Keep in mind that my mom was very naive and raised religious. Poorly educated). So she let him. And then she got pregnant (with who would become my older brother). Then my father bailed. Until my paternal grandfather forced him to "man up" and marry her (shotgun wedding).

While married, when she would say "No I'm not in the mood", he'd threaten to divorce her. And because she already had a kid with him (and then later two more), she figured that no other man would ever want her because she'd definitely be "damaged goods" as a single mom. I guess it's a matter of him coming from an era and culture that says that a wife is obligated to sleep with her husband. But my mom resents him for it. She will argue with him about the most trivial things at times because she's still angry with him for the way he treated her throughout their marriage.

Seek counselling, and take this to The Haven. I don't want to be a jobsworth it's just that you will probably get more experienced and helpful answers there than here as this is about Love and Dating.

Where else would I put it? I don't see any family relationships subforum. I don't see a bereavement subforum. In the forum description it says this forums includes talk of relationships (it doesn't specifically say romantic relationships).

Go to The Haven. It's a place for people having problems with life or seeking guidance in general. You will get better answers there:



Love and dating is about "relationship" relationships and dating. Sorry if you misunderstood that but this is definitely the wrong forum.

I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel for you. Good day,.

It makes sense that you would put this post here based on the title of the forum (love, relationships). The problem is that this forum is generally used for talking about romantic love and romantic relationships -- not so much platonic or family love/relationships.

I agree with JanuaryMan, you'll probably get more understanding responses if you can move your post to The Haven -- that one is for talking about anything that's making you feel bad, and for asking for people's help and advice. To move your post, send a PM to one of the moderators and ask them to move it.



That's not a very respectful way to state your confusion about why feenie's post is here instead of somewhere else. Everybody makes mistakes.

life truly sucks

Just pathetic. You know, rather than behaving like an immature brat, you could actually try offering some advice or comfort to the OP.

If you have nothing better to do than cause distress to people who are already upset, then perhaps, you don't deserve to be here.

Feenie, all I can suggest is that you make the most of the time you have left with her. If you don't, you may regret it. You should also seek counselling, as it sounds like your relationships with your family are very unhealthy.

Moved to the haven.
You may now stop the childish jokes

I am glad the forum was moved. I will now answer the question appropriately this time. You need to show your mom that you love her by telling her that you love her. Keep in mind that you may never have a chance to talk to her again. You will regret missing out. Good luck and sorry to hear about your trouble.