Growth can be ridiculously painful.

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I come from a family where there have been countless generations of abuse and denial. Essentially, I grew up in an environment where anybody can do whatever they wanted to me, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Physical, emotional, psychological and sexual abuse were the norm when I was growing up. A lot of that is still the norm with how my family treats me today, and I am 34 and living on my own.

I want to live today like it is today. I do not want to be enslaved by my past any further. I want to draw lines around me, and tell my family, "These are my boundaries. Don't violate them."

I am having an incredibly tough time doing that, however. My mother, sister and grandmother tend to gang up on me, start crying and telling me that I am being a horrible and ungrateful person for treating them like that after all they have done for me..... They all also have a tendency to conveniently forget words they have said just a few minutes earlier. They will say the most hurtful things, and then a few minutes later they will claim that they would NEVER say anything like that, even if that was what I remembered hearing word-for-word. I guess it is easy for them to get away with that, because they know the world will look at their NT minds and my autism, and we both know who the majority of people in the world will believe first.

I am tired of my family using my autism and my mental illness issues to discredit every word that comes out of my mouth. Even when I agree with something they say or do, they tell me that I am wrong. It's not paranoia. It's a fact of my life. I have many people around me who are encouraging me to set up my boundaries, but it's scary. I am so used to my family cutting me down that I am afraid of what would happen if I made a serious effort to affirm my worth as a decent human being when it comes to communicating with them.

Making matters more complicated - my mother is helping me financially by assisting with the costs of my therapist appointments. My therapist knows very well that my family is screwed-up and dysfunctional. The only reason my mother is paying for the therapy is because she wants my therapist to talk me into being a perfectly compliant doormat, and she hopes that he will be able to convince me that it was perfectly OK for my aunt to sexually abuse me when I was a child. Of course, my therapist balks at this. Then again, I could always try to land a second job so that this part of the equation becomes a complete non-issue. Actually, that last sentence does sound like a damn fine idea at this point. I do not want to rely on her for anything. There's no pride in that. Without the therapy, I don't know where I would be now. I have grown a lot in the last year with my therapist's help, now it is time for me to grow some more.

I have constant nightmares about my past. I always assume that the worst will happen if I decide to start acting like an adult. My boss recently told me that I do not need to ask for permission to do basic things, such as leave the office during my lunch break or take supplies from the supply room for my work. That felt uncomfortable for me. I'm always afraid that I will step on somebody's toes if I take initiative. Looking at my past, I understand that fear was implanted into me. Moving past it is not going to happen overnight, no matter how much I want that to happen.

This is where I am at. Another whiny post from me. Heh.

No, not whiny. Your post is beautifully enlightened. I agree, growth can be ridiculously painful. I, also had to learn interpersonal boundaries in therapy. It was a fairly slow fearful process and my family is not as blatant as yours. I endorse your progress and wish you success.

if there was alcohol involved, you could perhaps attend Al-Anon or adult children of alcoholics. there would be some folks there who have practical experience in setting boundaries. keep in mind, though, that some of them will be more dysfunctional than you are and should be taken with a grain of salt.

at any rate, I recommend reading about codependency.

*Hugs*
I have to say man, this is a very mature, great post. You've grown a great deal in the few years I've known you. Of course it's been painful, but it's never easy to pull yourself out of a deep pit, and you were certainly in one, my friend. You've come a long way and I'm proud of you for all your accomplishments. You are much more enlightened to how they are damaging you even to this day, and I only see more good coming for you if you continue down your current path. You know you got my support.

Wow!

Your story is very similar to my own. Mine got to the point that I have cut off my family. I have minimal contact with my Mom & the 1 sister that gives a sliver of a damn and absolutly NONE with the rest of my "family". (I doubt I'd have that contact with Mom except that I owe her money & call her once a month to tell her that I've made the payment to her bank account.)

The path I've decided to take is NOT "the norm" & probably not appropriate for many people. But it came to a point when I realized my family was no good for me (& they'd already made it clear to me that I had nothing of value to offer them).

One thing I did do that you might want to try: tape these destructive conversations that your family has with you. No logical way for someone to claim that they'd never said something when it is on tape! (& if you tell people that you carry a tape recorder for your own benefit and use it often-they can't try any kind of legal "you can't tape me without my permission" crap...you had pre-emptivly informed them.)

It was very good to hear that your therapist is ethical! Good luck with whatever path you decide to take.

Y'know, I really wish that I can press a button, flip a switch or take a pill that would turn my codependency off for life. I'm hardwired to be codependent. And it sucks. Codependency is a tough enough thing to break for NTs - combined with my autism, it's a beast.

It doesn't have to be like this for the rest of my life, but changing something like that in myself is not going to be easy and simple. It is painful. I want to run away screaming sometimes (not literally.....). I thank the people at WP for allowing me to use The Haven as a sounding board at moments where I need to let some of this stuff out.