Jealous of people who are capable of dating

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Warning: this post may sound arrogant and politically incorrect.

I'm admitting it: Yes, I'm lonely and I long for love. But that's OK; I know that true love is very hard to find.
There's something else that bothers me: I haven't ever done anything at least slightly romantic or sexual with a girl, and I seriously wonder why.

My visual appearance is about average, I think. Well, I'm small, I don't have any protruding muscles and there are a few pimples on my face, but my weight is normal and I shave and shower regularly. My clothes aren't that fashionable and not exactly new, but I make sure to stop wearing them when they get holes or permanent stains.

I don't smoke, I don't do any drugs, I have a full-time occupation (student and sometimes a part-time job, that is) and most certainly good future job prospects. I'm very successful at my studies, and people also seem to think that I'm intelligent. I'm quite musical, which, some say, also contributes to attractiveness.

So... What the f*ck is wrong with me? Saying "You have Asperger's, that's what's wrong" is too simple and probably insufficient. On the one hand, there are many people with AS who are in relationships, and on the other hand, there are people who are inferior to me in all of the criteria stated above, and... they still get dates. I'm not saying that they have a happier life than me; all I'm saying is that they get dates and I don't, and that drives me crazy. There's something that even some complete idiots can do better than me. Is it social skills? Well, mine are bad compared to my other abilities and compared to the people around me, but they're not that bad, either. There are people who behave much more inappropriately to others and... still get dates.

So I'm actually not sure what bothers me more: being lonely or failing at something and not understanding the reason.

Have you ever asked a girl out before? Generally, the social rules favor the guy seeking the girl. I'm not trying to be sexist or cheuvanist, it's just what I've observed in my 28 years on earth. I'm a female, and I've noticed that men (NT men?) generally like to chase, while women (again, NT?) generally want to be pursued by the men they like... and if it goes the other way, (the woman chasing the man) things tend to go awry. (Of course there are certainly exceptions to this.)

Women just seem to feel like they shouldn't have to chase the guy. They want to be made to feel special, pursued. That's just my take though, and I'm no expert. I don't think you're a loser at all. Lots of guys wait a while for a relationship. My husband was 28 when he met me, I was his first real, major relationship ever.

^And how's that mindset working out for you?

Vectorspace, you sound like a perfectly nice person.
I would guess that you don't meet enough women to find someone you'd like to ask out.
Try going to small events that cater to your interests, especially music.
Or maybe try online but an interest discussion group, not a dating one.

So explain why most of aspies or any handicapped mans can't have an date? For aspie i know that we have socials problems but that not an reason! See good guys, guys without any problems, somes are single for a long time because an douche or jerk are first choices of womens. My two cents!




^And how's that mindset working out for you?

Simple, any women or near desire to have kids right? so if we amputate them of they uterus we broke this desire

I've meet quite a few men with Asperger's when they have official seminars on the various issues involved with AS, and often I am there to answer questions. Afterwards it's not unusual to have dinner with the professionals who presented and those who are helping out (like me), people with AS, and parents of kids with AS.

One thing I have noticed is that no 2 aspies are alike. I have met wonderful guys who are obviously sweet, caring, cute, ridiculously intelligent and eccentric that leave me wondering why they don't have a girlfriend yet. Others are quirky but nice, average guys really - there's nothing really wrong with them but many of them don't have girlfriends either. And on the rare occasion you get the ones who are downright annoying or are just as*holes - thankfully these are a small percentage, but you can see exactly why they don't have girlfriends. Yet almost all of them had the same complaint as you - they wanted girlfriends.

The one thing the guys who don't have girlfriends had in common, regardless of whether they were just normal guys or were attractive, was whether or not they had taken the time to learn how to approach women in the right way and ask them out - and especially how frequently they were doing it. Those who were not doing it or were rarely doing it where the ones who didn't have girlfriends - either right then or never, depending on how long they hadn't been asking. As soon as some of the guys who did have girlfriends revealed that while one or two of the girls had chased them down - most had made somewhere between 10-20 approaches in a year (sometimes it only took them a few months, other times it took almost a year) before they found their current girlfriends.

Unfortunately being men, if you don't approach, that's like refusing to enter into the dating pool at all due to the gendered rules of the dating game. If you refuse to approach, or take too long to approach, you're not going to get dates. If you don't get dates, you're not going to get a girlfriend.

I'm a female, but have the same problem. Guys aren't interested in me. I'm pretty, nice, outgoing, optimistic --but still no guys. I have plenty of crushes, and try to flirt with the guys I like or find cute. Nobody is interested in me. I have a "great personality", but they only like me "as a friend." I think a few have crushes on me, but nobody asks me out.

Thank you for the helpful comment!

10–20? I hardly know so many people. If I randomly asked out all girls I knew one after another, that would be kinda creepy...
In fact, most of them are already in a relationship and/or unattractive to me (character-wise, usually), so the number approaches zero.


I see. I'm not even talking about the latter right now because I'm not sure if I could handle a relationship, but that's a different story.

I'm in a similar situation to yourself, but I try my best to be optimistic and not let it get me down. I've personally found online dating to be immensely helpful, just because it makes the whole process simpler. You find someone who peaks your interest, you message, and you ask them out...if they say no, you never see or hear from them again, and if they say yes then at best you meet someone you truly connect with, and at worst you end up wasting an hr or two and a couple bucks. Not to mention everyone on those sites has similar intentions, to find someone to date! In real life there's way too much subtlety and complexity for me, if you ask someone out who isn't interested you risk offending them or creating hostility, and that interest can be next to impossible to pick up on for someone with Aspergers. Then there's the awkwardness of asking someone who's already in a relationship, not a pleasant experience!

In the end you have to realize that there is nothing wrong with you. You mentioned it yourself, you haven't asked anyone out before, so your lack of success makes perfect sense. I'll certainly be wishing you the best!

I will try to be nice because you seem to have issues, but wow!
This statement is extremely creepy.

I understand completely, it's extremely daunting.
But without some form of a social circle that's has new people fairly frequently - even if they are only acquaintances from a hobby you enjoy - your chances of dating are much smaller.

I would not suggest asking out all the girls you know one after the other, you are correct, that would be creepy.

It's more about - when you see a girl you do like, ask her out then and there. Don't wait and give yourself the chance to panic, hesitate or get friend zoned (that is what happens when you spend time around a girl without dating her - they stop thinking of you as a romantic possibility and it's almost impossible to change their minds after that).

Once you have managed a few dates with a girl it's pretty easier to get a girlfriend after that. The hardest part is approaching, and then getting those first couple of dates.

In other words dude: be an douche!

The only two new potentially compatible acquaintances I can think of are new members of the orchestra where I play (the number is down to 1, as one of them left). For a short moment, I hypothetically considered asking out one of them. But I concluded that it would still be creepy, as this kind of strategy would be really transparent (it would be pretty random). Plus, I have absolutely no information about potential boyfriends. I'm also kind of their boss (without any actual power, though – I'm only in charge of musical decisions and they're supposed to follow me while playing).


In fact, I don't mind being friend-zoned, if it leads to actual friendship.
I don't think it ever happened to me, though.

My issues is others peoples

Oh, and for visual inspection, and posted a picture:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp5353658.html#5353658
Please be honest about it.

You look like a very nice young man

A bit simplistic. You can be a nice guy and be in a successful relationship but I don't think you can be a spineless nice guy and be in a successful relationship.

Certainly I have been called nasty things but mainly when I draw a line and insist upon being treated with respect. It is easy to be close to people and accept their terms, living with it, seems to damage those who try it.