Progressively getting worse...

Post Reply New Topic

Warning: This will likely result in a very large wall of text. At the bottom I'll add a 'TL;DR' if you're actually interested but don't care for mountains of text. I'll try to keep this short as I've already had a depressed rant here a bit ago, but things have progressively gotten worse since then and I feel like letting it out even here may help. I've already deleted a dozen paragraphs.

Almost my entire life I've lived up to my nickname here, 'thechameleon', I pretend I'm everything I'm not because I'm ashamed of what I actually am. My mum doesn't even know who I really am. If I hear the words 'depressed, anxious, anxiety, autism or aspergers' when I'm with my mum I'll basically crumble and retract into my turtle shell of my alter-ego.
I honestly don't even know why I've always been so ashamed of who I am; I've kept everything in and pretended to be someone I'm not since before I can even remember.

I just wish I could go to my mum right now and say "I need help... It all started a year ago when I started seriously thinking about the future. I realised all the professions I want to get into are extremely hard to get into and that almost any 'normal' job is simply out of the question. Since then I've worried that I'll be a disappointment, that I'll be living with you for my entire life, jobless and hopeless. I've been getting so anxious and depressed over this that I started falling behind in my schooling, too. That and everything else have just accumulated to now, where I just want to crawl under my bed and cry. I feel like no matter what I do I'll be a disappointment"

That'd be what I would say in my dreams, but I never will and never could. The very thought of even admitting that I'm not doing well in school... Well even that much is unthinkable, let alone anything further... But what can I possible do? I'm just getting worse and worse as the days progress. Soon it'll all come crashing down, I'll fail soon, I wont be able to get a job and I'll be an utter disappointment. I'll probably pretend I was just lazy and dumb because that's somehow easier.

The only thing stopping me from not leaving my room is my dedication to at least pretend to not be a failure. After all I wont officially be one for a few months, at the most... But it's inevitable, I basically already am, delaying it's doing nothing but making it all much worse.

What do I do? What can I do?

Nothing. I'm too much of a coward to be able to do anything that'll solve this. I wonder what it'll be like when it all comes crashing down, if it's this bad before I'm a failure? I'm already on the brink of isolating myself from everything, I can't even enjoy games now. What's going to happen when I actually become a failure? I'm afraid to think of that, I'd been thinking I couldn't get any more depressed...

Think I wont go to school today. I'm not confident that I wont fall to tears in the middle of a class. I was supposed to hand up a major project today, which I haven't handed up or spoken about to the teacher for two weeks past the due date. If I go today though I'll have to hand up my other assignment for my other class, which is supposed to be accompanied by an oral. Even when I was happy I would've almost brokedown doing that, let alone now.

The worst part is I wont even need to give an excuse to my mum. She thinks I'm some kind of responsible, if lazy, person; that if I need to be there I'd go (That's the kind of person I've always pretended I am... I'm not, though. I've always been and always will be part child, part alien that doesn't fit into this society.) It'd be so much easier if she'd confront me about it, maybe then I could at least talk about how stressed I am right now...

TL;DR - I've pretended my whole life to be someone I'm not. When looking at what lay ahead of me I realised I had little hope, I believed it wasn't unlikely that I'd grow to be a disappointment living with my mum my entire life. Anxiety stress and depression built up over time with other causes and now I'm doing bad at school and will soon fail. I can't ask for help, though, as I've always been a coward pretending to be someone else. I'm too afraid of actually talking about what's happening.

As I think this shouldn't be purely venting I'll ask this: is there actually any real way to ask for help? Simply talking about it is impossible for me, so I'm unsure as to whether any solutions exist.

On a side note my biggest problem seems to be stress...
When I let things build up and stress me I just crumple. Even little stressful things have brought me to tears before.
I get sick allot too; frequent severe headaches among other things. I was told it's most likely from stress...

I wonder if there's any proper ways to help with stress (Other then not doing anything stressful. Which is obviously impossible in this world.)

theres no shame in living with your parents

there is a trend in my family where one sibling stays with their parents, my uncle never moved out of my grandmas house he used it as a base to travel the country then when she got older he stayed around and took care of things

I'd agree to that if it were my choice to stay... But even if I wanted to leave I couldn't because I can't even go to school right now without breaking-down, let alone find work. I truly believe I'll never be able to get a 'normal' job at a supermarket or even fastfood place...
About the only jobs I can see myself being able to do would be hard to get into even for a normal person. My only real hope for my future right now is that I'll be able to put my IT knowledge to use and make something that may someday make money...

I'll be a jobless person living off the government and my mother whilst I sit at my computer all day. Sure I'll know that I'm using the computer in an attempt to support myself, but everyone else wont...

From your description, it sounds like all those thoughts about failure are mostly in your head and not based in actual experience.
Here's your chance to grow up: get over your pride and go ask for help. Don't let that "I'll fail" thought turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're way too young to just give up now.