I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and High-Functioning Autism. Worst of all, I have to live around people with drastically different motivations, complete ignorance (caused by apathy I think,) and utter conviction. All of this, and much much more. I live in a broken world that has no mind for historical apperception, and no drive to change it. Over and over people make the same mistakes, and point their fingers everywhere they can but at themselves. I am ignorant, I know this, but I won't pretend to know anything with such surety that I'm willing to hurt another. My purpose in life is to grow, learn, and someday even teach; however, I cannot seem to communicate with people who have another purpose. It is not I that am messed up, it is the motivations that are considered "normal."
I may have only been aware that there were others like me for a year, but most of them are not really like me. I am different, even among the different. Such a thing can portend many things, not necessarily with a negative connotation. Normal people, most seem to be at a different stage of development than I, and they place me below them with their convictions. I am not below anyone, as my name says, I am the king himself. No, not the king of man, but the king of myself. I have seen many things, have been many things, and I can remember much of what has been forgotten. This is what makes me beneath them? One man on a journey cannot look at another who crosses his path and say that his direction is better, unless he has seen the ends of those paths. My friends, I have seen where many a path leads, but this new one is unknown to me. I know now, that telling them where their path is leading is not going to achieve anything but exorcise for my frustration tolerance. This too may be the reason no one has instruction further than the basics. We are all taught how to treat one another by many great words, and even greater wisdom, but we heed not the words but the motivation behind them; sadly, through only experience. The pain brought onto those further along in the understanding of uncertainty is needed to temper their resolve in their destination, through knowledge of self: true empathy.
One cannot empathize with a person who feels things in a different way. They are still dwelling on feelings that are expulsed in childhood, like jealousy, greed, and scorn. It is hard to empathize, expect, and understand feeling that one does not have, but it is my disability that people have such motivations often enough to expect them from others. I pity them, for they think the only reason I would have to talk to a girl is to get in her pants, is that the only reason they communicate with the opposite sex?It is no wonder my attempts at talking to others are summarily rejected. It is not me who is so sick as to expect these things from everyone. Maybe I should though. For twenty three years my life has fallen apart with regularity, and I always wondered why. Each time I think I have the answers, I realize my own folly of conviction. A year ago, I thought it was because of Asperger's that I could never relate. Now, I think it's because I am better than them. Not because of some stupid label that they applied to me, but because of my motivations, and my experiences. I know that every time that I see with clarity I am likely to be wrong, but I trust my judgement better than I trust those of people who have such childish things driving them.
Who are you with some piece of paper on your wall and eight years of wasted life to tell me that your label is how the world is to view me? I am the one who has experienced the horrors of assumptions, convictions, and just about anything else. I am the one who knows what it is like to be both stepping on, and stepped on. I can apply my own labels, and I'm not sure if the normal person would want to hear the labels I give them. They would take it in a way not intended, for they don't have the same motivations, and I can hardly be mindful of such a twisted thing as theirs are. I spent a whole lot of my time here trying to figure out why we have government and how we can get rid of it, until I realized that we need it. I don't need to be governed because I can govern myself. Normal people need to be governed because they cannot. Somehow I am the one who is disabled, simply because my motivations are pure. Well, I adapt just like any normal person does, and so do my goals and motivations. Somehow, I'm starting to see that maybe the ends do justify the means, and who better to see clearly those ends than one who has walked many paths?
This world, these people, they create their own monsters, their own problems, and their own wormwood; however, when I step in, they see all of their own faults in me. I try to not let it weigh me down, but their constant barrage has made me long for escape. Sadly, I have no control over anyone but myself, and that control is slipping a little more each time I am made to feel that same pain, again, and again. Why do we let them do this to us, when we all know that we are the ones with the right motivations?
10 Jun 2013, 5:13 pm
welcome to our cool club 
