Post-adolescent anguish

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Cheers to those who'll read this through, every one of you.

It's gotten to me and I've gotten to myself quite a lot in the past over an unfulfilled social life, but today I think I reached a certain threshold of dissatisfaction.

Tonight I wanted to go to a gig in a nearby town where I'm a student. A friend who I thought would be bowled over were he to have come, couldn't go as he'd made other arrangements. I finished an intense revision period nearly two weeks ago and have since completed the year, but I'm unhappy with how much I've been doing socially. This is my fourth straight night at the desktop and I don't rate that sort of life highly (at least I'm posting this with my time!).

The problem I feel is simply this: I can be too busy/poor/pooped to go out, and other times when I try to make arrangements with others I usually either get rejection or the plans fall through. Then the times I'm invited to events seems too uncommon, which I think is often down to me often being unavailable anyway, and there's always an outside sense of paranoia that others aren't as keen on me as I am of them. Asperger's probably does come into it a bit, not exactly because I'm closeted about it, but because despite usually being able to write as I want to come across and how I feel on paper and screen, in person I'm much worse with content, phrasing, pronunciation etc. Many people have captivating diction and good conversational skills in person, but talk in run-on sentences online with their messages reading as badly thought-out and strange. I wouldn't say I'm an exact reverse of that, but it's a good comparison: I'm just not convinced that I'm much in the way of company in person.

I'm not depressed but I feel like my self-esteem has taken a knocking, and it's not usually high. Today however the frustrations seemed to add, and on a walk I had to stop at a bench to sit down for a while because I felt mentally spent. First time that sort of thing has happened, and my mood hardly improved having sat there for half an hour in an attempt to think clearly. My brother's out with his university mates every day, my sister goes everywhere with her boyfriend and for another night I'm sat alone in my parents' home. I can occupy myself well and meaningfully, but it doesn't gloss over for me.

I've come to WP about it because, although I have people to turn to, I've probably been wearing them out with mild annoyances anyway. I'm not sure what I'm trying to dig out of any kind readers here. Well, any suggestions that might relate as I know there's a kind and thoughtful lot on here. I have a desire to live to its fullest and although I'm very eager to fulfill life's social side, the world has other ideas. Youth and young adulthood is the most opportune time to regularly meet with friends, and it's starting to frighten me how much of it is passing me by.

I wish that I had something helpful, because I would use it myself. I feel the exact same way. It is beyond frustrating and I don't have any advice. My mom always told me that if I kept telling people no that they would stop asking. I made a conscious effort to always say yes when I was invited places, but it never seemed to work out. Now, I spend all day by myself until my parents get off work. I can relate to your situation. I hope someone can give you (and me) some advice.

I'm in more or less your boat... I don't necessarily repulse my friends but if there's one thing I can never seem to predict, it's when I'm relevant in their lives. For the first time in quite a while I've managed to talk to someone in reality ad nauseum about my ASD, mild depression & alexithymia. I didn't put names to all that but she got the whole picture, and suffice it to say I haven't been spending time with anyone else I trust that much. Living at my dad's doesn't help matters, and it's hard not to notice the mental exhaustion you talk about. I just keep to myself to avoid confusing or upsetting my friends, exactly as you said.

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