Bottling things up.

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Do others here end up bottling up their problems until they burst? I can't talk to my wife about anything that is giving me trouble - she always ends up getting terribly upset - much more so than me! I've just had a little rant about a problem I've had today, just to let off steam and she is on the verge of tears. The problem was absolutely nothing she'd done, it was just a computer problem - I keep getting a timeout error from some crappy software that I need to install to get some figures to keep the bureaucrats happy.

She rants and moans to me when she has problems and I lend an ear and try to help. Sometimes a hug is all she needs. I find it so frustrating that I can never share my problems with her though. A problem shared is a problem doubled! Around ten years ago I had a serious suicide attempt (very lucky to have survived). She said she didn't see it coming and didn't know why I did it. I tried to explain then that I'm not allowed to share any problems with her as it just makes them ten times worse. So, I'll keep bottling stuff up. One day in the not too distant future she might get a visit from the police saying they've found me dead, hanging from a tree somewhere... and she won't have a clue why.

It is the drip, drip of little things and not being able to release the pressure. Sooner or later something bursts. I've got to keep on putting on the fake smile... yes dear, everything is fine, no problems at all; yet I am dying inside.

Yeah I tend to bottle up my problems and also my emotions for long periods of time, I dont want people to know Im upset out of fear of people taking advantage of that and me being vulnerabal also if I let my emotions out I am unable to control them and sometimes leads to a meltdown. Bottling it up might seem unhealthy and only delays the inevitible of having a meltdown, I hide into a private place to let it all out. Another option is shutting off my emotions completely.

I bottle up and shut down, but not due to my spouse. What AspieOtaku stated rings very true.
That's unfortunate that your wife expects you to be the "strong" one in the marriage. It almost seems like a denial. If you're having problems, then maybe it shakes the mental image she wants to keep you in? It's not right that you can't be emotionally honest with her.
Anyway, find what outlets you can and take care of yourself.

Can you write down your rants and then burn them?

(Symbolism probably inspired by your avatar.)

I think "bottling things up" is actually a very useful metaphor.

This may seem like a weird idea, but it may actually help if you visualise yourself as a bottle. Imagine your body is a container to be filled with water. When the water reaches the top of your head, that represents a total mental breakdown. When it reaches your neck, that is severe crippling depression. Anything below your neck represents various levels of stress and unhappiness.

You may find it helpful to ask yourself the following questions from time to time:
What is the current level of water in my body?
Is the level fluctuating a lot at the moment, or is it staying fairly constant?
Am I happy living with the current water level or do I need to find a way to reduce it?
When my computer craps out on me, by how much does the water level rise?
If I was able to vent my feelings, by how much would my water level fall?
Is the water level rise permanent, or temporary?

Of course, everyones answers to these questions will be unique because everyone has different life circumstances and deals with things in different ways. I think quantifying things for yourself can help you sort out when you need to seriously look after yourself and when you're ok. (For example, if your water level is at your chest and then your computer is being crappy, that may cause a water level rise that has quite worrying and severe effects. But if your water level is down round your ankles, and your computer is crappy then that will just amount to "having a bad day".

Please take good care of yourself--for all of us on WP if not for yourself alone!

Thanks for the feedback everyone; I like the bottle analogy. When the bottle is empty problems are minor irritations but as the bottle gets close to full a minor problem can feel like the end of the world. I guess it is relative to how much other crap one is putting up with at the time.

I think the others here have given gret advice so far. One aspect they didn't cover yet is the following.

I share your view on problems - I dislike sharing them with my partner, because as you said it seems to double it - at least in my mind!
This is mostly because there are two parts when you share a problem - there is the issue itself - and there is how much we trust the person we are sharing it with.
At least I find, the latter tends to complicate something that is already difficult for me.

This never goes over well with them though. Talking about problems fosters trust, closeness, and emotional intimacy. Usually it's actually the lack of the latter that tends to bother women more, rather than you actually refusing to discuss the problem. By refusing to discuss it, she takes it as you refusing to let her in emotionally - which is probably why she gets so upset about it.

That's also probably why she ended up in tears, since she is relating your problems and how you are talking about them, and relating them directly to your feelings about her, or how emotionally close you are at that moment.

I guess I would try to separate the two things. Try and make sure, even when you have a problem and don't want to or can't talk about it (because I know the feeling well) - try and give her what she needs at the same moment anyway (the bolded parts above), so she will really know it's not about her or you not wanting to trust her or share with her.

I find it fascinating that we can all relate to this.

I hope this has nothing to do with the Walker Texas Ranger marathon, they had on tv. if so, i can understand

but seriously, yeah i bottle things up a lot as well. i've been doing it all my life really, since complaining about even serious situations i find myself in is completely ignored and frowned upon by my family and those around me. maybe that's why i came back to WP, just to find an appropriate thread to let some of these emotions out.

i wish i knew of ways to help you come to terms with these emotions, but i struggle with that myself. best of luck though, i hope you can find a way to deal with such emotions.

Thanks iwb. Actually they have been showing reruns of Walket Texas Ranger recently - dubbed into French so it is even more cringe-worthy.

The bottle tends to empty itself when I'm relaxed and busy with things. The dwelling on things tends to fill the bottle, sometimes close to bursting point. Anyway, I've had a good busy day in my garden and just stepped out of the shower and I'm happy with the world at the moment.

Oh yeah I bottle it all up inside.

I used to not share how I felt because I didn't know how to express myself, or I was intimidated with either opening up or being judge, etc.

So, I would mull things over in my mind, for days... weeks... months... even years. I would go over and over and over things in my mind. I would ask a ton of questions to myself. I would become obsessed with this.

My stress level would be really high as well, I would grind my teeth, my gums would bleed, headaches, etc. Just get myself all worked up because I kept it all in.

I tried not to care, let it roll off, but that felt like lying to myself.

Sometimes I would try to open up to friends, but that usualy made it worse. They would make me feel worse, guilty... something negative. Another thing they would do is not understand why I was bothered with something they took as trivial. That made no sense in my mind, so I would go right back to keeping it all in -it looked like the most efficient way for me at the time.

Then I discovered writing. It felt that no one understood me except myself, so I would communicate with myself by writing. That helped! It was like the current me was not the same me when something bad happened in the past so then I felt like I was talking not only to someone else, but someone who cared and understood. (Does that make sense?)

There are things that have happened over 20-25 years ago that still bother me. For years I thought and wondered why I couldn't get passed them. Telling myself that they happened so long ago didn't help. Telling myself that they were no longer happening helped some. I'm still dealing with this.

I hoped I typed something useful here.

(edited for typos)

Last edited by Tohlagos on 29 Jun 2013, 7:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

delete

Last edited by wornlight on 28 Jun 2013, 3:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I also never share my problems with anyone, though it might have something to do with experience suggesting nobody wants and/or is able to help. Another trait I have is forgetting things that made me suffer but continuing to suffer nevertheless.

Some people respond to negativity from others with even more negativity - either getting upset themselves, or getting angry at the person doing the complaining. I bottle up my problems around people like that.

I find I have a counsellor in my head, a reasonable voice, who takes my emotions and analyses them and gives me constructive feedback. I didn't always have this in my psyche. I don't know if it was psychedelics, Buddhism or just getting more mature that planted this wiser version of myself in my brain, but I'm glad it's there. I talk to myself (not out loud) when I have problems, but sometimes even this wise part of the mind gets sick of listening to the stupid part of the mind - sometimes it buggers off and lets the stupid version of me do stupid things. I don't know whether I should work on making stupid me a bit less stupid or making wise me a bit more patient, or both. There are a variety of ways I think I might be able to make it work, I just need to motivate myself to do them.

Negativity from other people washes over me usually. I don't know why, but I don't get affected by it. People can spill their guts to me all they like. I don't know if that means I have less empathy than people who get worked up over other people's problems.