Depression and lashing out at a weight loss commercial

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I suspect this is a symptom of depression because I experienced it when I missed my SRI medication for a few days. I felt negative emotions so easily that even the slightest thing could trigger them. I threw my head through a wall trying to hurt myself in a rage but instead I just put a hole in a wall and then I felt bad because my parents own this house and then I thought they were going to think I'm unstable (which I probably was at that point) and I was constantly frustrated. I was frustrated with the way my brain works. I was frustrated with my apparent lack of self-control which I catastrophized by telling myself I don't really have free will. I broke the remote control when that commercial came on. I rubbed a branch against myself until I started bleeding. I couldn't stop crying. I envy people like crazy it's my vice. I'm not even sure what point I'm trying to make here.

I think a lot of us have been there. Sometimes I feel like the stupidest thing sends me into an absolute rage, or makes me so frustrated I don't know how to articulate what the problem is, or what I need. When in was in my twenties, sometimes that turned into head-banging, cutting, burning and other self-harm. Even now, it's hard to express /why/ I was driven to all that, it almost felt like someone else was in control. This is what gets me about people who say people with Aspergers have no emotions. In that state, I remember my rage and frustration were so huge, I felt like my body couldn't or shouldn't possibly hold it all.

I've broken a coffee table, damaged walls, ripped things apart,and then made up some pretty desperate things to explain everything later on to people so they didn't think I was crazy, or so I didn't scare them.

Are you feeling any better now, and are you physically hurt?

As for envy, that's something I've done too, a lot. I think it's part of black and white thinking and being very competitive. I always thought if I'm not perfect like so-and-so, then I'm nothing.

Sometimes my envy is related to black and white thinking. Sometimes it comes from cravings for novelty. The black and white envy provides examples that make more sense than the novelty envy. With the black-and-white envy it is easier to see why the thing I envy is desirable. It's clearly beneficial and someone else has it but I don't. With the novelty envy I could end up envying something that is neither beneficial or harmful to have. In some cases I can come envy things that are harmful just because I don't know what it's like to have them and I need to know.



Have you found medication to make a difference or not? The reason I bring this up as a depression thing is that SRI medication makes a huge difference for me.

I'm on Effexor right now, which is probably the best one I've been on for me. It works a little differently than more SRIs and helps with my depression and anxiety a tremendous amount. I do need to stay vigilant about not missing a dose, however, the side effects of doing so are very, very unpleasant.