"Let it go"...grrr

Post Reply New Topic

Good evening Wrong Planet-eers. Make yourselves comfy and get ready to hear yet another post about my father. But before you roll your eyes and close the thread, just hear me out. I'm actually not that angry with him personally, just angry with something I think he accused me of.

You see, for ten years, I've been sponsoring 2 children in India who need help via an organization called Children International, the first for 9 years and the most recent for only 1.

Anyways, this month I received a letter from C.I. that asked for some extra contributions towards helping Maphia (my current girl) keep from getting sick from parasites. I brought the letter home to my father to ask for his advice, as he also gives money to this charity. He said simply "if you can't pay it, then you can't. I know times are tight for you now, so you'll just have to wait until next month to do something." I said, "well, thanks anyway...I just wish I could do something to help her. I don't want her to feel like I've let her down." I walked back to the guest bedroom, and he said "Well, that's the way things are sometimes" and then something along the lines of 'maybe you can choose *not* to help your child'.

That...really upset me. I took that as him saying that I flat out don't CARE about her at all! I DO CARE! I just can't do anything! I mean, I know that there are millions of hungry, starving kids all over the world, and I can't save them all. But knowing that I made a difference in ONE person's life is EVERYTHING TO ME! For ten years, it's been nothing but total commitment; every optional cash donation I could give, I did. I loved Roni (my first sponsor child) so much in those 9 years.

So I asked my father "Is that a challenge?" As in, do you not think I care? He said no, but that if it's out of my hands, there's nothing I could do. So I told him a little story as to WHY I decided to take up C.I. in the first place:

In the mid to late '80's, the big thing in the news was the Ethiopia hunger epidemic. I heard about it so much, day in and day out that I was bloody sick of hearing about it, and wanted NOTHING to do with it! Well, when I used to go to Church in Sanford, I was asked by the pastor if I could take part in a skit, playing a mercenary for Ethiopian relief. I said 'yes' at first, but the moment that I read the line "I will provide food, clothing and shelter...", I wanted nothing to do with the part, so my younger brother did it for me. Wow, the church must've thought I was the biggest JERK for refusing, but I didn't care; I was sick of 'Ethiopia this, Ethiopia that'. KNOCK IT THE HELL OFF!!

Well, fast forward to 2002, when I was asked by my father if I'd like to sponsor a child in India by the name of Roni Roy. I said I'd consider it and went on about my life. But the next day, when looking through an old shoebox full of Polaroid pictures...I found a snapshot of my brother, wearing that costume I refused to wear..and smiling. I almost cried when I saw that. It was in that moment that I realized how f**king selfish I was, that I could say no to a starving child! Well, I decided in that moment, that I would NEVER say no to another needy, hungry child again, and I told Dad "Yes, I'd like to help her." And I have been ever since.

Going back to tonight, when I told Dad the abridged reason why, he said "But that was in the past", and then the 3 words that make me wish he would die in a car-fire, "Let it go."

WRONG!!

It's not just because of the Maphia situation, it's because of the fact that he's known me for 40 years, and he should know by now that my brain doesn't work like that. I can't let anything go, because I sincerely believe that I have self-abasement issues; that I have to suffer and repent for my 'sins of the past' perpetually. I just don't know HOW to switch off that part of my brain.

Like I said, I'm not that angry with Dad, I just with he'd wake the f**k up and realize that letting go of the past isn't so easy for me.

I know you can't save them all, but I feel so committed. What can I do?

Fluttershy11

Last edited by Fluttershy11 on 24 May 2013, 10:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think it would be nice if you could show a little kindness toward yourself and your father. How would you feel if Maphia was as harsh to her imperfections as you are to yourself. When your father says to let it go, I think he means a person can only do their best. You have to be realistic about your resources. It does not mean you do not care. It is like they say on the airplanes, put your on your oxygen mask first, then help others. What you have done for her and Roni has helped so much. I hope you do not dismiss what you have done.

When you are feeling relaxed, can you talk to your father about how painful it is for you when he does not get that you are unable to let things go?

[Deleted for the double post]

Last edited by Fluttershy11 on 24 May 2013, 8:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Heh, nice way to throw my quote back at me.

But yeah, I would feel pretty awful of Maphia were as harsh and unforgiving of her own faults and imperfections as I am. She's 13, and she looks like a relatively happy child, from her photographs I sometimes receive. I guess I just feel that, like Oskar Schindler, I didn't do enough, when in fact I have done SO MUCH.

And I would NEVER dismiss any of the good things that I've done for them! I sponsored Roni ever since she was *eight*, and a year before the scheduled cut-off age of 18, she and her family decided to withdraw from Children International help for reasons unexplained. C.I. said to me that if I wanted to, I could write one last letter to her and they'd try to give it to her, though the odds would be slim. Well, even a slim chance is MORE then enough, because I opted to write my letter by hand instead of the usual electronic communications. By the time I finished writing it...I ain't gonna lie, I was full-out crying. Here's what I concluded my final letter to Roni with:

"My dear, precious Roni Roy, sponsoring you and your family for the last nine years has been one of the happiest moments in my life. You know, it seems like only yesterday I first saw your photograph of you when you were only 8 years old, and now you're 17! My how you've grown; you went from a scared, uncertain little girl who loved to draw, to having a decent life because of my helping you and your family. I feel so blessed to have gotten to know you for so long, and that I've helped your family so much. But most of all, I will miss you so very much, and I shall always think of you with fond memories and a special place in my heart."

...yeah, I think I had every goddamn right to cry.

Well, I was pretty much still reeling from having to part with Roni when I was immediately offered to take up another girl from India in her place: Maphia, age 13. Well, I decided yeah, alright, sure. And don't get me wrong, I do make the regular monthly payments, but somehow...I don't have that same emotional connection with her as I did with Roni. I think I've only written to her one single time compared to her three letters to me. But that doesn't mean I don't care, I've just been so busy and strapped for cash lately.

Maybe I will talk it out with my father; he hasn't got much time left at age 71, so I ought to do it soon. I guess we'll just see, won't we?

Fluttershy11

Since your Dad was the one that encouraged you to get involved with a charitable work he sounds like an ok guy at least in that respect, so yeah it is probably overdoing it on your part get angry over his word choice. Maybe just as we do not think in typical fashion, cliches, which capture typical sentiment miss their mark with us.

I don't know how responsive the charity is in communication, but maybe you can let them know you will try to fund that treatment as soon as is possible for you.

Well yeah, I was finally in a position last week to finally pay that optional present for Maphia, so issue solved. That'll show him for thinking I don't take my child seriously.

FYI your contribution goes to a pool of money not specifically to the child you sponsor. No matter what they tell you it does not.

If you cannot contribute extra one month she will not stop receiving the same aid she has been receiving up to now.

There are probably dozens of other people who also think they are sponsoring the same child you are. Its all a marketing effort to raise money.

It would be a logistical nightmare to have the money from one donor go specifically to one child. Think on that. On top of that, these aid organizations, non profits.... spend a stupid amount of money in fundraisers and tv ads ..sometimes spend even more in this than in the aid they actually send out.

If you want to make a difference in a needy child's life, do it directly. Yourself. There are plenty of local kids who could use a big brother/sister or some financial help to get meals or school supplies.

So, pretty much all of my efforts to have a personal connection with my sponsored children have been for naught? Gee, thank you for shooting me down.

But you know what? You're totally right: those organizations exist for one reason and one reason only...to make white people feel GUILTY about having money! And I got suckered into it. I should have my head examined, falling for that ploy.

All that money I poured into Children International for 10 years, I thought it meant something because I thought I had a personal bond with my sponsored child, but no...it didn't. It never did. It kept me up at night sometimes, worrying if missing one optional payment would mean the difference between life and death, but no more. If it's possible, and even if it makes me look like a total jerk, I'm gonna withdraw my membership (or whatever it's called) there.

Thank you for waking me up and helping me to see the light.

Charity Navigator.org gives Children International a high rating. It seems like a very good charity. Maybe, you could write and ask them if your donated money goes to those specific children. Is it the kind of organization where you can communicate with the children? I hate to see you suffer because you have a kind heart.

Yes, it does encourage the sponsors to write personally to your sponsored child, and he/she writes back in their own time.

But as much as Dantac was being a jerk about it, he does make a lot of points; in the grand scheme of charity, I'm not all that important. I'm just another average overweight self-centered American who got suckered into helping poor kids in need for the wrong reasons: not because they genuinely want to help, but because they feel GUILTY.

And you're right...that IS my biggest weakness: my kind heart. Hell, that's why my username is Fluttershy(11). It's not that I DON'T care; it's that I care way too MUCH! And as a wise man once said, sometimes too much is as bad as too little.

I don't want to quit helping, but it looks like Dantac convinced me to. Because, as I've pretty much believed ALL my goddamn life, I am not important.

Fluttershy

Guilt may be part of it but there are many good components to it, also. I think you do genuinely want to help. I think it is better for people to help others even when guilt is a part of it. I also believe most everyone, except psychopaths, feel some guilt about various things.

I think the thing that matters is whether someone's life is better, even in a small way. You are more important than you know. You can be important but still feel unimportant.

Dantac, I have something for you to see.

https://www.children.org/Help#only_sponsor

"Q. Am I my child's only sponsor?
A. Yes, if you sponsor a child through our international sponsorship program, your child will have only one sponsor – you!"

Read it for yourself.

Dantac...you're a jerk.

And to the rest of the forum, I apologize for sounding whiny and saying that I'm not important, and contemplating quitting. Revisiting C.I. reaffirmed my belief that what I am doing DOES make a difference. In a place like India, a child like Roni Roy, without help, would probably have died before the age of ten. Because of me, I helped give her food, warm clothes, protection from sickness and diseases, and gave her an education.

I am not important? I think I'm VERY important!

http://youtu.be/f_DKTXCCRrY?t=2m10s

(Play from 2:10 to 2:30)

So yes, I'm going to stay on, and keep supporting Maphia to my fullest, trollers be damned!

Thank you for putting up with a foolish old man. ^_^

Fluttershy11