No Way Out

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Haven't posted on here in a long time. Last time I was here I was extremely depressed, and things aren't getting better. I went to college last year (I'm 21), it blew up in my face. Right now, I live in a small town in Washington state, in a guest house on my parent's property. I really can't complain...they aren't charging rent, they help me with groceries. If I help out with their yard work I get paid a little. I constantly try to remind myself that there's people far worse off than me, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

I desperately need to get out of this town. I'll just say I had a pretty miserable childhood, and for years there's been nothing but pain for me in this place. My family loves me, but they don't understand me, and since I'm the one with a "disability" the burden of getting along rests entirely on me. I know a lot of people on here talk about getting away from things, but I can't stand the boredom of small town life and I'm aching for a move to Portland or Seattle--I feel infinitely more alive in bigger cities as the countless people and noise and lights become a sea of white noise, whereas in this small town the slower energy is like chinese water torture. Add in the fact that my family is only going to let me stay here another month or so, and I don't have any choice in the matter. I have to get out.

I haven't worked since coming home. It comes down to the fact that I just can't take most people anymore. Frankly, most people strike me as idiots and even with people twice my age I often feel like a babysitter. My whole life, people told me things would get better once I got to college. Turns out that was just another lie, and now I don't know what to do. I got diagnosed with AS a few months ago, and that felt like the final straw for me. Now I understand that dealing with people is never going to get any easier; the thought that things would get better was all that kept me going growing up and now that's gone. I can't take the loneliness anymore, but I never feel more alone than when I'm with other people and I realize I'm a different creature. I just can't see any way of me holding down a job. Listening to people go on and on about pointless crap makes me feel sick, and whenever I have to deal with more than one or two people at a time I feel ready to snap. No one is going to hire me like this, not when there's plenty of other people who would genuinely be happy to be there, and even if they did I doubt I'd last more than a couple weeks.

I know what I want...I just don't have any realistic way of getting there. What am I supposed to do?

can you apply for disability and subsidized housing? might take a little longer than you'd like, but could eventually get you to independence.

also, i'm 57. I learned small talk at 50. got married for the first time at 52. things can get better if you're willing to practice (and take some knocks and some advice) being social.

I lost my profession due to AS. I thought my life was over. it wasn't. it's just different. it was a big adjustment. i'm happy today. still only a few friends, but it's enough. having a very affectionate cat helps.

Well, that would help, except that I'll be homeless before disability could even kick in.