I don't know how else to say this.....

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.....but it often feels as if I am in an environment where anybody can do whatever he or she wants to me, and there is nothing that I can do to defend myself or to restore my self-respect.

I retreat into bourbon, dirty pictures and video games because I feel a sense of entitlement. The world is screwing me over, so why should I not numb myself out with whatever is available?

I do not want to numb myself out, though. I want to be my own man. I want to defend myself from all who take advantage of me. I want to build myself up and to become a peer among peers. I have an IQ of over 160, I know I am not stupid. I am way too easy of a target for the predators around me, however, and I hate living like that.

What you appear to be saying is that you are going to cut off your nose to spite your face.

What I want to say is that I want to STOP doing just that. It's amazing I have any nose left after all the slashing I did to it so far.

Sorry to say, you are living in an environment like that and I've never experienced anything else, other than retreating and avoiding putting myself in place where I am accessible to be victimized.

However, your self-respect shouldn't be contingent on the fact that others abuse you. You have a neurological disability that unfortunately makes you an easy victim, but that is not your fault. You didn't choose it, you don't cause it, you don't deserve it and you are not responsible for it.

It's the insensitive bullies who are responsible and as long as you hold yourself to a higher standard of behavior than theirs, your self-respect should remain intact. They may assault your dignity, but they can't take your integrity.

know this might sound corny or ridiculous, but healthy support groups and 12 stepper type literature has helped me a lot in dealing with my inner demons. I've never been an addict or used stuff inappropriately - my troubles were more about co-dependency and al-anon type relationships and especially being victimized like you've described. Some of these organized efforts can really help one to gain the necessary skills to avoid being a doormat and then falling into self abuse. I'm not a member or a card carrying 'in recovery-ite'...but a lot of what has been written, and what I learned really holds true.

Also, I've found that many of the people in well led recovery groups are some of the nicest people around. You have to be careful - but you might want to check some of them out. Showing up costs nothing, and nothing is expected in the way of 'joining in'...if it is, and you feel any pressure - then you're in the wrong group. Keep looking, there's lots of them out there. Anyway, it might just work...finding decent friends is one of the hardest tasks in life.

Not exactly true, Willard. I behave like I am still in an environment like that. My kneejerk reactions are like I am in an environment like that. But I am holding down a job where my work is valued by my employer. I have countless friends in my 12-step group. I have distanced myself from all of the predatory people that were in my life, yet I still cling to the feelings of helplessness that realistically have no reason for remaining inside me now.

The reality is that I have to change the way I think. I am autistic, and that is obvious to everybody who meets me IRL. But I also have vast intelligence, and I have skills that are useful to the world around me. And I am surrounding myself with people who are teaching me how to advocate for myself in the face of injustice. My life is vastly improving. Yet the kneejerk feelings of inadequacy persist. If I could turn them off using a lightswitch, I would do so in a heartbeat.

Of course, maybe all of this is just my addictive personality using any excuse it can to turn me back to behaviors that are detrimental to my recovery.

Cut off your nose to spite your face? Is that a reference to the Moby song on his latest album?

I don't know if you have a therapist or not, but I have a feeling therapy will help you with these emotional reactions to past abuse. Al-anon and therapy seem to be the right combination for me to move forward (although I know I will always be affected by the way I grew up and prone to emotional "flashbacks"). Keep working your program and you will get better, probably not as quick as you want but definitely major positive changes over time.