in denial about my diagnosis

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I was recently diagnosed under the DSM-V with Autism Spectrum Disorder after 23 years of various eccentricities. I assumed for the longest time that my resemblance to Aspie traits were just a coincidence-- I thought I was just a socially anxious, over-sensitive, logically-minded introvert. I pursued a diagnosis after it was suggested I might be on the spectrum by a psychiatrist in a partial hospitalization program who had worked with a doctor who did autism assessments. She was not the first person to suggest that I might have Asperger's, so I was not too surprised, but I was kind of taken aback that she took the possibility seriously enough to refer me for diagnosis rather than simply speculate like others had.

Initially, I was very insistent on knowing whether or not I was autistic because, well, I like knowledge, and I thought it would help me better understand myself. Turns out when I got the diagnosis I was shocked and somewhat appalled to know I fit the formal criteria-- going into the doctor's office that day I expected her to say I had severe social anxiety and not ASD. (She diagnosed me with both. ) Since that day I have switched between obsessively learning about autism/seeking out traits in myself and obsessively questioning the diagnosis.

I feel like I must be in denial because I don't actually want to be autistic and can't believe that I am. On the other hand, my diagnosis was very tricky for her to make as I apparently compensate pretty well for my problems and only a thorough discussion of my past revealed my autistic traits and social difficulties. I feel like since I was somewhat knowledgeable about autism coming into the test I could have inadvertently biased my answers towards the "autistic answers". But then again, the questionnaire that my mom filled out about my development pretty clearly indicated something, and when I gave her a book about Asperger's to read she said that I fit the profile to a T as a child. (My mom has no investment in making me seem autistic; in fact, she is probably biased in the opposite direction.) And if I re-examine the evidence with a a level eye, I probably at least fit the criteria when I was younger, even if I don't now, meaning I still have a fundamentally autistic brain to deal with.

So I'm guessing that I probably really am just in heavy denial about this, and I'm just questioning to reassure myself that I'm "not that bad" or "not like those people" or whatever. I do appear to have quite a mild case but that still doesn't reassure me when I guess I would prefer not to have it at all.

Anyone here with a similar experience where they were more scared than relieved about their diagnosis? Does anyone have any advice for getting out of denial and accepting myself as an Aspie?

I think there are just too many variables on the ASC spectrum and I like cold hard facts, this constant self-questioning creates the denial I feel.
Try to relax, and just let it happen, I know it's hard. I think you have just been diagnosed this year? If that's correct then this is a very short time to fully accept this diagnosis. Try some form of meditation to remove the brain fog?

I was diagnosed several months ago. Going in, I knew I had a bunch of Asperger-like symptoms. But, I was uncertain how “severe” my symptoms were (as I didn’t known any Aspies to benchmark myself against). At the same time, I realized that there were other “conditions” which shared some of those symptoms.

Prior to the diagnosis, I suggested (to the Psychologist) a number of "conditions" that I wanted to be evaluated for including: Extreme Introversion, Shyness, Aspergers, Nonverbal Learning Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Avoidant, Schizoid, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.

The process included a fairly complete battery of neuropsychological tests (including tests for IQ, Executive Function and Memory).

During the process, I was a bit nervous about what the diagnosis would be. I was also a bit skeptical about parts of the process. As you said, it seems like one could easily (though perhaps inadvertently) bias their answers based upon how an Aspie should reply.

Ultimately, for me the diagnosis means...um…nothing. I remain the same person I am. But...it does help me understand how I am different from others (in this case, neurotypicals).

Regarding scared. Well, I don’t personally know any other Aspies. So, it’s kind of hard to say, “I don’t want to be put in the same classification as these other people”. So, no. I guess I am not scared. At least yet.

Sometimes wish I had never learned about Aspergers (back in Dec, 2012). It has changed the “filter” I have used to view the world. It’s a more realistic filter based upon who I actually am (as I was previously trying to live a neurotypical life with neurotypical aspirations, albeit with tremendous stress and anxiety and awkwardness). But at times I feel really lost. It can be unnerving and depressing.

Ditto to what Rocket said. I'm 45 and never dreamed other people could share the same set of eccentricities as me until my lifelong quest to figure out what's wrong with me (and fix it) found me washed up on the shore of Wrong Planet a couple months ago. At first I was overwhelmed with gratitude and excitement that I had finally found not only an explanation but also a 'community' of people to relate to. Though, that feeling of closure and hope for the future is wearing off now, and instead I am finding the information staggeringly depressing. Let's hope this too is a phase and that I will come around to Rocket's mindset.

Yeah, I was just diagnosed this year. I think I expected everything to just magically fall into place after my diagnosis since I see so many people online practically jumping up and down for joy after getting it confirmed. I was upset that this wasn't the case for me. My therapist has suggested meditation/mindfulness stuff to me for when I get anxious so maybe I will try that when I ruminate too much over diagnosis stuff, thanks.



I have met one person who was a confirmed Aspie before and unfortunately, he was the outgoing type that had trouble determining personal boundaries. (I probably knew a few others, but I did not know if they were or not-- they were more varied in their presentation.) I guess I am having a lot of trouble getting over the negative stereotypes. I know personally that I have always been really down on myself about my social skills (as were my peers when I was young-- was bullied pretty badly), and I never wanted to be "that person" who stuck out from the crowd due to their oddities. Getting a diagnosis has felt like a confirmation that I suck at everything important in life and that I am indeed the weirdo in the room .

I also can feel my "filter" changing-- although in some ways it's starting to be helpful, in others, I wish I had never gotten diagnosed because I feel like pretending that I was NT was more... I don't know. It was less limiting in some ways, although I definitely suffered for not knowing I was autistic all these years.



I came here for much the same reasons-- been reading the site for much longer than I've been posting. I think I felt more excitement before I was diagnosed than afterwards; after diagnosis it was like a brick fell on my head or something and things became much more serious and depressing. I'm trying to keep my head up, though, and being part of the community here I think is helping me a little bit to get used to the idea of having an ASD. I should probably go out and meet some autistic people in real life. I think that would probably help me.

Same here. Diagnosed with AS in May 2013 (in Switzerland, so under ICD rather than DSM criteria). I had met someone with (self-)suspected AS years earlier and he could hardly take a train, while I had been living in various foreign countries, including Africa (apparently untypical for someone with AS, but I always felt less of an outsider abroad, because all quirks were attributed to me being foreign). So I never would have suspected that I might have the same condition as he, until I started a psychotherapy for related conditions that seem not clinically significant anymore though (i.e. I've worked through so much of my childhood trauma on my own that my therapist thinks a diagnosis isn't warranted, depression isn't severe enough, etc.). While initially obsessively researching everything I might possibly be diagnosed with I stumbled however upon AS and learned for the first time that people may present vastly different, so I insisted that my therapist refer me for assessment to a specialist at a university clinic. While waiting some months for the appointment at the clinic, I continued to read up on AS and started re-framing my experiences from that perspective and a lot made sense now. The specialist, a psychiatrist, told me after the first interview that she was "very likely" going to give me a diagnosis, but would like to do some further testing. This again took two months of waiting and during that period I felt a bit elated about finally getting a label to put on everything that hadn't worked out in my life. Strangely, once I got the formal diagnosis in writing, that feeling had already disappeared, and I too started questioning the diagnosis (for example, I still hold that schizoid personality disorder or even antisocial personality disorder might be alternative options, but of course the psychiatrist who specializes in diagnosing AS in adults did differential diagnosis and excluded those possibilities as by the diagnostic requirements for AS). Almost two months later, I still haven't wrapped my head around the AS diagnosis, and I'm not seeing the new paths I thought a diagnosis would open up as clearly anymore as I did six or even three months ago. But it appears that this is very typical for AS in and of itself. People with AS tend to overthink everything, even the AS diagnosis. Someone else on WP said that the fact that you still question the diagnosis after finally getting it is the best proof that you do indeed have AS. Reading that put my mind at rest, somewhat.

Nice conclusion there, welcome to the WP.

Thanks, neilson, but I have actually been on WP longer than you. Seems you only joined in March 2013 (don't know how you clocked up 800+ posts since then), while I joined in December 2012 (only my 4th post though). Not sure what makes someone a veteran around here ...

Last edited by Aspendos on 05 Jul 2013, 3:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Turn that frown upside down

Throw off the weirdo label, doesn't suit you. After all you are 'The Grand Autismo'.

Good point. Most my posts are due to being a bit too obsessive I think. I've got scars but they didn't come from here.

At least you have the diagnosis out of the way. I'm starting to feel like I can't move forward until I get tested and find out all I can about the exact nature of my delays. Am I autistic or just plain neurotic? If I had to pick one, at this point I would pick the former since the guidelines make sense to me, and I have tried everything to battle the latter, my whole life without success.

I like that quote too, Aspendos! My brain has been obsessing Asperger's so much that there is literally smoke coming out of my ears.

I was half-way expecting a Schizoid diagnosis for myself. But the Psychologist claimed that I did not display the tendencies of other Schizoid patients she had diagnosed.

Looking back, getting a Schizoid diagnosis would have simply added more confusion. Why? Well…the Schizoid diagnosis explains some, but not most of the symptoms I was tracking (including those from when I was younger) .



This is comforting. As I also tend overthink just about everything.

I feel part of this is due to age, I'm 43 myself and still self diagnosed. The other issue may be due to over investigating prior to diagnosis. The more you learn, the more a diagnosis becomes just another box ticked? Almost an anticlimax possibly?

Personally I embraced my weirdness at an early age. I rejected everything which in itself caused many long standing problems, but being part of the abnormal has never been a problem for me.