My future is as bleak as a desolate desert

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College finished, the couple of counselling sessions I had for the past three years ended last year, all the 'professionals' I used to see over the years (dozens it seemed sometimes) dwindled to just my housing officer (who often takes holidays and, at any rate, I only see on average every month and a half, although still available by email)... and the one person that I thought was my soulmate, living together for the past six months, is going to leave... I mean, that's usually hard enough for most people I assume, but I have no other source of support, no familial framework rooting for me in the background. Pragmatically, I wouldn't have been able to finish college without him (with his frequent urges and the sheer motivation I found in being able to love someone)... now that he's leaving there's no way I could do university, as I was planning (OU, as commuting to any other wouldn't be practical, which means I would have been mainly doing the degree in my own home). Not just because I wouldn't find the motivation, but as I found out before through sheer luck meeting him loneliness + assignments-based stress is like gasoline and fire to me. I wouldn't be able to even complete a couple of months.

But anyway, it's not like I had anything concrete planned, a career I absolutely aspire to... I was just going to do philosophy, which in all likelihood will be useless when it comes to jobs (but since seemingly all kinds of degrees these days are also useless with regards to that I thought, why not something I actually like, then?) - but this is all empty thoughts as well, as it fades into insignificance when contrasted with my life. There is absolutely no point in having a degree in three years' time to still be on my own then, with generally the state of life I've had.

So... what is in store for me in the future? Well, I'm destined to be alone for all eternity, or so it seems, in the summer specifically, at least... but now that college has finished (not that that provided any consolation) and all my ties to people in the past ended... it will simply be an eternal continuation, a perpetual summer of a lonely hell. I'm doomed and it has seemingly been inevitably so since birth.

What kind of life would this be lived? I'm thinking of going to a doctor (and this time with the firmest of intentions, as when I was going to last time I had just met the aforementioned person and so I just couldn't convince myself that I'm as desperate anymore) and rehash all of the above, and then state that I'm thinking of suicide (in the hope of being admitted to a mental hospital where I could finally have company)... but what if nothing comes out of it? As this future full of nothingness is just unbearable (and this certainly isn't a short-term problem - I've been basically like this for the past five years, with this point in time being the worst (although ironically not in economic matters, but there can't be anything more useless than money, as none of the things I actually need can be bought) - before these five years I was abused by my parents for 18 years, so this is indeed not a short term problem)... I don't see what else I can do other than look into ending my life, although admittedly I have much to prepare for mentally in such an event...

Last edited by Mootoo on 01 Jul 2013, 11:51 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Hi, someone leaving who you thought was a soulmate, that's brutal. it just is.

Please don't go the route of suicide. Please stay here with us.

One thing, maybe find the inspiration to do various humanitarian endeavors? And branching out. For example, maybe helping feral cats (and yes, we need to work on the name for that's not strictly humanitarian). And likely the first one won't work. And this group can be as disorganized as anything else. But then find the energy and try a second group.

And I think it's a good idea seeing a doctor. And if you tell him or her that you're considering suicide, he or she definitely should take that seriously. It would be a professional shortcoming if the doctor didn't.

And I think counseling does help some people. Hasn't particularly helped me. I was more helped by a speech therapist who gave me some advice along the way.

And a general practitioner once told my Mom regarding herself that depression can start off situational and become biochem. And this has the ring of truth for me.

I'm the worst person to tell someone to not try suicide because I'm in the same boat myself. I feel like I'm hopelessly going around in circles and it's just a spiral downwards. At least I'm not doing drugs.

It does help to know that there are others like me who are in terminal pain. I can relate to that and I hope that simply by communicating online we'll live to see another day even though we don't know exactly why.

Sorry bro.

Seems like a lot of people are in the same boat.. isolated with no clear way out.

Good news I suppose is that it doesn't have to be over for you.

I would say forgot the Philosophy degree and think about finding a job or something that can sustain you at least mid-term. Why? Unless you're an artist or something, Philosophy is not going to be of any practical use to you. You can always pick it up again later down the track. Plus as a uni drop out myself I hear you. It can be seriously difficult to excel at anything when you're so worried about your own future that you are possibly considering suicide.

Working full time (if you can) will also provide structure from day to day on top of opportunities to socialise with other human beings, something you sound like you could really use at this point -> in any form.

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On isolation.. look, I'm no expert, but I'm thinking you should join a group of some sort. Got any hobbies or interests that could help point you in the right direction here?

If getting a job was easy (and there was something that wouldn't potentially make me even more depressed than I am) then I'd go for it, but as it is trying to find a job is almost a full-time job in itself - the energy that takes and all the rejections would certainly push me over the edge.

In the winter I go to a philosophy group, as that's obviously one of my interests, but it's only for a couple of hours a week and it's formal (although I suppose that's just sensible for what it's about)... most groups are like that, I assume, but the kind of company I need now is personal and lengthy... (if only I could get another lover, but I doubt I could ever be so lucky again...)

I agree, none of those things are easy to jump into.

Keep looking for work - it'll pay off once you eventually find it. Hell, even look into some volunteer opportunities in your area in the meantime. Should at least be easier than finding paid work anyway. They're usually a positive environment to work in so I think you'll enjoy it. As for rejections from 'real' jobs.. don't take them too personally. There's never any shortage of applicants and most people will be denied regularly before they're picked.

Are there any other groups you could look into? Anything you've wanted to try for a while but just haven't got around to it yet? Even if you don't really want to, simply forcing yourself to try something new for a month or so could make a real difference in your life. All it'll take is to meet one awesome person But tbh wtf do I know, I'm even more isolated than you are.

I got into philosophy in my mid and late 20s. I developed my own version of a framework of Kantianism, and within this framework, practicing utilitarianism, which I suppose was not blindingly original. Or, fellow students were interested in their own ideas, which is probably a good thing. And/or grade hawking and worrying about papers, and I guess that's okay. When I taught math at an all-boys Catholic high school in my mid 30s, that turned out to be a surprisingly lonely job with only minimum interaction with colleagues (and probably didn't help that I'm an atheist/agnostic!).

What has worked better for me as far as social connections are certain middle-brow jobs. And I continue with my writing.

In Fall 2011, I took microbiology Tuesday evenings and women writers in African American literature Wednesday afternoons. And that one-two punch worked surprisingly well. I decided my idea schedule might be 9 college hours and working part-time 20 hours a week. I don't know how this would translate to graduate school.

I haven't yet tried antidepressants myself, but they are kind of my ace in the hole. And what I've read is that the first one may not work, everyone's biochem is a little different, and it's trial and error in a respectful sense. And it's also sometimes important to step down in phases even if the medicine doesn't seem to be working.

I think depression can be situational, social, emotional, intellectual, all of the above. But if a person can get their biochem going in a upward spiral, maybe some of these other items will follow.

AardvarkGoodSwimmer, if it's situational what can chemistry possibly do? (I mean, I think I know this - even an entactogenic experience will enliven you up... for some time.)

If it's situational, as mine almost certainly is (I'm alone because I *am* actually alone, physically), I'll simply end up in the same situation (if they ever work in the first place)... and, I suppose, if something goes wrong (as it always does) it will simply be a reminder of the situational depression, and unless anti-depressants can physically prevent the body from feeling sad then I doubt I could still feel happy (as problems pile up while having absolutely no source of support etc.)

What I've read, they give you energy to light-touch some forays (my words).

I mean, if you join a hiking club, odds are you won't meet a special person, but if you like hiking anyway, why the heck not.

In 2011, my doctor told me that one study had found depressed persons were actually more realistic than nondepressed persons. So, maybe we need almost an optimism bias to function. Or the energy to skim across activities and not overinvest (being prepared to invest in people, but not too much more all at once than they invest in me).

I used to enjoy a once a month humanist club, where conversation went around the table in a semi-organized way.

During the build up to the Persian Gulf war in 1990, I liked Friday night peace meetings and the dinners we went out to afterwards, at least at the beginning. Then I found I was more tolerated than appreciated, wasn't considered one of the major players, the thing was as hierarchical as anything else, and I was quite a bit younger than most of the other people attending. So, this one you see, I overinvested. But it would have been hard not to.

If I could get three or four such groups going on, might help a lot. Not only might feel more connected, I might be more connected. Probably needs to be ongoing, regularly meeting groups.