I'm done.

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I don't know whether I'll post this when I've finished, but if you're reading it then I obviously did.

I have come to the end. I simply see no point in trying any more. It's just a matter of getting the method and the timing right. I tried two weeks ago, but chickened out when it crossed my mind that I might not have enough pills to kill me before my husband came home and that I might get saved and have to face the aftermath of another failed suicide attempt. Only this time everyone would know it was a suicide attempt. I don't want to deal with that - I have to get it right. I had taken quite a lot of pills already before I chickened out and when I told my psychiatrist 6 days later she was keen to for me to get blood tests and to go to A&E as she was worried about liver failure. I refused because frankly liver failure sounded good to me. But it's been a week and half now and it seems I'm fine. The psychiatrist refused to prescribe any more medication for me because I obviously quit taking it a while ago to save the pills for suicide attempt. I do however have four weeks worth of pills still get on my current prescription ... unfortunately I'm on weekly dispense (and have been for a year, before that it was daily dispense for several months) because of the risk of me overdosing so I have to wait four weeks until I have collected them all. Well, it's three weeks now.

I went to my first group therapy session yesterday. Frankly it just brought home how much I really I'm really done with this life. How much I can't wait for it to end. Everyone thinks I'm coping well because I still show up everywhere I'm expected. But frankly that's because I don't want them to suspect that I will kill myself. That doesn't mean I'm there when I show up. I have been showing up at work for months but haven't done anything while I'm there. Somehow people don't seem to notice. I guess that says a lot about how I would "normally" work. Or maybe they're just glad I'm showing up after having had months off and they assume I'm working. I said I'd try the group therapy months ago because at the time I wanted to get "better" for my husband. But since then it turns out my husband no longer wants to be with me whether I'm "better" or the "old me" or just me at all. He doesn't love me any more. He doesn't want to try. So if the person I was willing to try for no longer wants me, then what is the point? This is not the trigger for me wanting life to be over, but it is the removal of a previous obstacle to achieving this. If he doesn't want to be with me, I don't need to feel guilty anymore about not giving him that chance. People tell me I should want to get "better" for me. But I don't want to get "better". There is no point. I want to die and be done with it.

Trying to OD on your meds could possibly turn you into vegetable(i.e. brain dead), but you'd physically still be alive and most people wouldn't feel sorry for you since you brought it on yourself.

... that is my fear. That is why I have to get it right.

Sounds like you need support and supervision to maintain taking your meds regularly.
Please call your doctor and tell them how you feel.

The meds could still turn you into a brain-dead vegetable instead of killing you even if you're not discovered early by somebody. Many other suicide methods can leave you permanently paralyzed but still alive.

Like I said. I have to get it right. I will get it right.

Please excuse, my english is bad, so sorry if what I say may sound completely trivial. I understand what you mean with, that you cannot find engagment to do that therapy "for you", because you dont want therapy but only to die. People often hardly understand how bad a depression can be. Thers is nothing terrible, you dont get beaten all the time, you are not chased by bombs or war, and so people simply dont understand what can be so bad about depression. That complete emtyness, that desperate trying to find something to hold on with life again, to give standing up in the morning a sense for you. Such trivial things, like trying to get at least something back, and you watch something you know you would really like, and there is a joke, you know that this is the kind of humor you like and that made you laugh in earlier times, and you know that it should make you laugh. And instead there is nothing but meaningless emptiness and the wish to make it all an end, because nothing means anymore again.

I can only recommend you to try on and give your therapy a chance, do some more visits... When I started with therapy, I had advices and homework from my therapist, additional some sleeping-medication for the evening, because of me hardly sleeping anymore, and so additionally enhancing my depression. I started doing what he told, without seeing any sense in it.

"Always respect your illness. Try to eat more healthy again, having a healthy diet...but dont add stress with it." - I simply bought myself freeed vegetables menus, I only needed to warm up on the stove, so that they were no stress to me. I reduced all kind of drugs like coffein, nicotin, sugar... Once a week I was told to meet comfortable friends for 1-2 hours in the evening, so no kind of friends you need to look good for them, but the kind of friends that dont force you to clean up your kitchen, and so add stress. I also needed to get back to a normal sleeping rythm, so I simply went to bed, when it was normal time to do so, even when I lay for hours awake at the beginning. I also should try to do more sport again, so nothing stressful, simply doing regular walks outside.

Additional I had weekly therapy at the beginning. I didnt feel anything better the first weeks and also didnt have the feeling that the therapy helped anything, the guy simply talked nonsense out of my oppinion. At least around the third week my sleeping rythm got better, and I was not so terribly exhausted all the time again, which makes any thought of doing anything, even things you liked before, so horrible. As mentioned, my therapist seemed at the beginning a bit weird for me, but around that time we talked about, when it begun, that I always was concentrated on the things I have to do, and forget to think about the things I want to do. I didnt know exactly, when it started, I only could remember,, that the happiest time in my life I could remember, was when I was an elderly teenager, and that I didnt have troubles around that time to think about doing stuff I like. While the actual me, simply wanted absolutly nothing then being free of anything. So he told me, that when I was home again, instead of thinking what I would like to do, I should imagine not being me, but being that teenager again. And that really started to work. So please dont think of me rude, of talking about such nonsense stuff, while you are talking about suicide, but the thought that came into my mind also seemed completly dumb for myself, but still I did it. My dumb teenager-me wanted to go swimming. I found the thought completly dumb and childish, but followed it according to the advice of my therapist. It was not that great, so I couldnt feel instantly relaxed as it was in earlier time, I simply went there, read a bit, swam a bit, and went home again, and didnt feel any great change, so in the bath I felt unable to feel happyness as before.

I cant tell you, when it began, but with tiny little steps it really started to work again. So the day came, when I giggled again at least a bit, when my friends where there to tell me jokes. And I began to like to watch my TV-series again, so it needed some time until I laughed at them again, but at least I felt comforted againg watching them. And the trick with the teenager-me, I am still doing. So there is a very earnest person in me, and thats always refering, about what I have to do, and how I behave to act and.... Thats ok, because that part of me is paying the bills. But the teenager-me of me, now has her place in my life, and is important as well, because its the part of me, telling me, when I need to do stuiff to fight against my depression.

I know its really, really hard and people that didnt ever feel that way dont know how it feels to think about killing yourself. Not that "I want to kill myself, so that people find me before I die, and care for me and give me the attention I need.", but simply a given up "There is no sense. In nothing, In absolutly nothing. I simply dont want anything anymore. I simply dont feel anything good anymore." Enduring this is very, very hard.

But give you that time. Only some dumb 4-8 weeks. If you are already that deep into the depression, then you haev already endured it for a long time. So give the therapy a chance for working. It can work. Its not like in film, where you talk, and "Tada...there we found the problem, responsible for everything! Yow you can become happy again." Its a really slow walk from everything is simply horrible, goes on to everything is menaningless, to "Ok, from now an then, there is a nice moment..." If you think you cant stand in anymore, ask your therapist for medication to help you through that first weeks. For me that little sleep medication really was great. So it didnt change anything big, and I didnt feel better from one day to the other, but it also had its part at the first little steps for me.

I would say "Dont give up." but thats something you say to cheer on people who want to fight. And the problem with a major depression is that you normally, simply dont wanna fight, you simply wanna give up.

So I say endure it. Endure it at least long enough, that you can say, you have given your therapy its chance. I dont know, if it will help you as well again, but maybe you will also be able to find a part in you again, that is silll able to tell you whats good for you.

And simply forget about your husband. The less you need to care for him and his deeds, the more energy you can save for you and your deeds.

Maybe you won't get 'better' hell I don't even know what better is in my case its just not a concept that works. But would you have to get better to want to live life? I am not going to get better, I've accepted that so now I am just trying to live life with the issues I have and get help I need. Even if you intend to overdose right, your body is still going to do everything it can to get rid of the toxins and might still leave you alive with more problems.

Why not tell your doctor or therapist you're feeling suicidal and planning to do it? Obviously they might force hospitalization but if its all pointless anyways why not give it a go......maybe through that you'd get help you need and set up a good follow up plan. Or it could be a bad experiance in which case well if you're as low as you can go it won't make much difference. I don't know if any of this is helpful I am trying to avoid sayings like 'it gets better', 'You have to live for yourself' or fake it till you make it. Guess the point is when I feel suicidal then I go to the hospital and beyond that well it's still hard life still goes on when you get out.

Sounds like you could use some extra support dealing with whats occuring between you and your husband, the fact is you don't need him to live if hes the one abandoning you then why should he be what keeps you around anyways? its important to try and move on but you might need help to do that.....I'd try exhausting all possibilities of help before trying to follow through what if something can make you feel better?

Sweetleaf, I fully understand where you're coming from since I felt the same way when I was younger. Since I had no support except myself, I ran primarily on anger and hatred for everything and everybody.

But it's not that way for me anymore; my life is good now. As Sweetleaf has noted, the only way things will get better is if we understand what better is, and work toward whatever that is; it will vary according to who we are.

Things can get better--unless we give up.

Please stay here. Do not take the pills.

I have a few different thoughts from your post.... they might not say anything at work because they are trying to be kind while you adjust to being back. I imagine people around you notice whether or not you're working but choose to give you some time.

You mentioned several times you wanted to try for your husband but why not try for yourself? If I depended on males (or people in general really) for my self worth I would be gone a long time ago. I seem to have a running theme of overcoming depression (caused by bullies and abusers) and going on to accomplish something my tormenters could never do. At times like now when I'm struggling with a difficult situation, I'm not sure how I do it. But if I go back to junior high and look at bad times and successes, I suppose I tune into my anger and the injustice and focus my energy on working towards something. Its really the only way I can survive and the only good use for anger. So with that being said, does that make any sense in your life? Is any of your depresson from people who have done wrong?

Thanks for responses. I didn't really write to get responses. I wrote just to tell someone anonymously.

CosmicRuss - The thing is ... I don't want to take my meds regularly. I don't want to take meds. I want to die.

Schneekugel - You seem to understand where I am. Except I'm not desperately trying to hold on any more. I don't want to endure any more.

Sweetleaf - thanks for your message. I know things have been tough for you recently. My psychiatrist knows. As she says, it's up to me if I want to kill myself. She will not "lock me up" for that. She may admit me to hospital if I said that is what I wanted, I don't know I quite liked my last stay in hospital because at the time I was in a desperately trying to hold on state and doing it because I didn't want to hurt my husband by killing myself. But I don't want to go into hospital again because I don't see the point - I've made up my mind and I don't want that interference.

Thelibrarian - "things can get better--unless we give up". Not always true. And I have reached the point of giving up.

alpineglow - thanks ... but why should I stay here?

catwhisperer - I have never relied on a male for my self worth. I've never really been bullied or abused. I am not angry about anything or any one (though the psychotherapist never believes me when I say that, and then I get frustrated with him). I just don't see the point. Why survive? What is the point? Why is living so important? I don't get it and never have. I do love my husband and did try to stay alive for the last 19 years out of guilt over the possibility of hurting him. But since he doesn't love me any more, there is no need to try not to hurt him any more ...

You're welcome. Thanks for saying thank you. ( that's what I say, I know it's redundant & sort of silly)
Why should you stay here? I will answer, if you'll forgive me, with a question; why should darkness win this? You could stay and work out of this slowly but surely one step at a time, because you're important, because of any number of future positive and/or valuable occurrences, because be-ing alive there is a chance (chances) for you to move out of this darkness. Let the darkness alone, leave it behind, let it consume itself while you occupy yourself with something - anything - else. There is no reason it should win.

Yellowbanana, I agree with Alpineglow. The only way you will know for sure that things won't get better is to give up. Our lives do get better if we persevere and make them better. Believe me, I know.

YellowBanana, I think you should try different medications. The ones you have been stockpiling obviously didn't work, so maybe try a different kind. Brain chemistry is a finicky discipline and the only way to know what works is to keep trying different ones until you find one or a combination that does.
Your doctors won't be happy about your stockpiling because it's viewed as a non participation in your treatment. I think you should try to work with them rather than secretly work against them.
As for suicide - don't do it with pills. Actually don't do it at all.

Hi YellowBanana. Has your husband actually told you that he doesn't love you, or is that purely your interpretation of his behaviour? Is it possible that your perceptions about his feelings are distorted because of your depression? If the two of you have been married for 19 years and he has supported you through episodes of mental illness before, it seems unlikely that he would just suddenly stop caring now. I've been married a long time myself and I know how deep (and complicated) the bond can be. Even if he has said very negative and bitter things, that may be because he's feeling upset and stressed about your current moods and behaviour.

Perhaps you need to speak openly with him about how you're feeling at the moment. I also think that you need to speak with your psychiatrist again. It really doesn't sound as though you are well enough to be making any important decisions on your own at the moment. If a stay in hospital has benefited you in the past, it might be a good idea to consider that again. After all, if you're really set on suicide, that option will still be there in the future- there's no hurry.

I hope you start feeling better soon. Jenny