How to get people to accept and respect your answers?

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I don’t really know where to begin with this. I also have no idea if this belongs in the women’s discussion, the haven, love and dating, social skills or general. I am looking for serious and constructive advice to this.

Ever since I turned 15, I have found that people often ask me a question, yet refuse to accept or respect the answer they are given. Often they go on to ask multiple times more, even after being given a definitive answer the first time. I can understand asking once or twice – or perhaps if the circumstances radically change – but after that I have no patience for this crap. It is a waste of my time, energy and attention – not to mention it is simply disrespectful and refusing to accept my choices, autonomy and independence. It’s almost as if they think if they ask enough times in different ways that they will eventually get the answer that they want (they never do though).

I do not know if they do this simply because I am a woman, because I am shy, quiet, very small, autistic, or look vulnerable, all of them or some combination of them. I have noticed that people will not do this to men anywhere near as much, so I assume that sexism plays an integral part. I have had other women do this to me, especially when topics such as marriage, children or sterilisation come up (since I want neither of the first two, and do want the last). It also during business negotiations, I notice men especially will simply try to bully me into something because they think they can dominate and control me. But it occurs most pervasively when it comes to going out and men approaching me, and during dating – when approaching they completely refuse to accept or respect any answer unless I have other male friends there right next to me. I find that incredibly offensive because I am not anyone’s property, but the fact that they never listen unless one of them close obviously means they consider it that way. During dating it is the same thing but worse – they think they are allowed to push more lines and ignore my answers even more.

I am not weak – anyone who knows me can tell you exactly how feisty, stubborn, determined and headstrong I am. These people find this out the hard way, every single time, because I am always polite but firm and consistent with my answers – the only thing that they succeed in doing is wasting my time, stressing me out, and occasionally making me lose my temper. But I am sick of it. Sick of not being taken seriously – for some stupid reason in their minds. If anyone can enlighten me as to the *why*, please do.

This was never a problem back home where I grew up. This is never a problem among my families or with my guardians. Or with my friends. It only occurs with strangers or acquaintances. I am completely over it though - I find it not only distasteful, but disgusting, and it's tiring dealing with it all the time, there isn't anything that saps my energy as much as this.

How the hell do I get people to accept and respect my answer and decision the first time? (without resorting to physical violence, losing my temper or being rude)
I should also note this has been a consistent and ongoing problem since I turned 15 - it happens at least once a week, and on a bad week, often a lot more than just once. (last week 3)
I'm at my wits end because it has been much worse since September last year and it's been driving me insane - I am now at my wits end.

Last edited by Kjas on 17 Jul 2013, 8:22 am, edited 2 times in total.

I don't really deal with the specific situations you describe, but I did have a Gay Man try to pick me up at the local LGBT community center. He wouldn't take no for an answer and refused. If it wasn't for an acquaintance coming along to my rescue, I don't know what I would have done. I don't really know what to do in these situations. I try not to interact with people like that because it doesn't end well for me. I also run up against people not listening a lot at work. I can't seem to convince anyone to do anything. I can tell them to do stuff that's required of them, but I get ignored, up until they get in trouble, point fingers at me, and I end up having to point them right back that you refused to listen multiple times. I had two people in my local transgender support group continually harangue me about why I haven't transitioned. I have reasons why I haven't completed transitioning them. I would list off the reasons everytime and tell them, I'm not being stupid about this. My life is not something to be half-assed and rushed, and they'd tell me I was mistaken about my own priorities and I was wrong, and they knew what I wanted more than I did. I don't associate with either one of them now.

People see something in us and make assumptions and then it's soooprise, we're having a meltdown or blowing up, or we're pissed off or ditching out, or having a panic attack on them and they don't understand they caused it. I think it's just that others just make assumptions about us. They put it in their minds that we're a certain way, and combined with their arrogance, wants, and desires, we have to fit in with their world view and we don't, and we make no pretense of trying to. We're not their puzzle piece at the moment to mesh with them and form a larger social picture.

I would say a lot of times, you just have to be rude or just walk away. I know I have to do these things. Sometimes though, nothing will get through their thick skulls that we know how to do other than blowing up, being rude, or having a meltdown. If there is an alternative, I wish I knew how to do it.

How you dress makes a difference--it is one of the reasons why women spend so much time, money, and effort on appearance--they get treated better. But, if you are on the spectrum, you often are forced into wearing loose fitting clothes that don't present the image you want to project.

My guess is that in dating situations, men rely more on non-verbal communication than what you actually say--so there is a big communication gap.

The best suggestion I can offer at this point is to avoid people who don't respect you. Particularly if you have some choice in the matter--carefully choose where you eat and shop--saving a few dollars isn't worth the hassle.

For the first example, marriage, children etc, you are going against both normal and instinctual behaviour. For a lot of people your answers to these question does not fit with their idea of what is right and is also used a starting point for conversations and getting to know you better. The resulting confusion leads to the questions being repeated, or maybe they are a bit dumb?

A lot of men, especially the ones 'on the pull', are just dumb full stop, they just attempt to wear down their 'victim', sorry I meant partner. I don't have a better answer than that.

Maybe get some business cards printed up with 'F**k off, I'm not interested in you.' then you don't need to repeat yourself. They will think they are getting your number and then 'POW'.

It may be one of those things you can't change, and only might reduce in one way or another. Just some quick thoughts.

Remember strangers never know you.

Respect: No second chances. If someone is disrespectful, drop them and find another person to deal with. You can't stop initial bad behavior of strangers but you can limit it to one time. Dressing up rather the down helps gain initial respect in some situations.

Relationships: Choose carefully rather then give benefit of doubt. Observe for a length of time before dating. Don't give unknown entities a chance to bother you. You have to see people react in different circumstances to get some idea of what they are about.

I should note that my clothes are definitely not the problem - I dress better than most NT's here. (although it was a valid point to bring up)

Avoiding people unfortunately only gets me so far - while it is a valid option for the one-offs which I use when necessary, for some of those I have to see on a regular basis it doesn't really work. Some of these people run in the same social group or same activity circles as I do and avoiding them will result in me avoiding my special interest - also the reason it's best *not* to be rude. While my friends will step in if outsiders interfere when necessary, they shouldn't have to do that to begin with, and if it's someone else in our group, they practise non-interference instead.

Neilson: If only I could say they are "a bit dumb" - at least then they wouldn't be able to help it. It's not so much confusion as outright denial, invalidation, and always the classics "You're too young to know what you want", "You'll change your mind when you get older", etc, etc, etc. It gets old fast when they start telling me what I supposedly want.

On the pull? You mean, on the hunt? I have noticed that. NT women must respond to it, otherwise they wouldn't do it.
Business cards are tempting. Putting them on the ground to teach them a lesson much more so, but I digress.
I find it confusing because I generally have a great lack of facial expression, response or interest to begin with - I am sure it is noticeable so I don't understand why they would ignore such an obvious and in your face massive hint as that.

Toy: I am already pretty careful about such things. I spend a lot of time observing first. In my newest group of acquaintances, there is only 2 that I know I can trust so far, it takes me a long time to trust anyone usually. Much more so than anything more than just acquaintances. This group are pretty tight though and look out for each other like family.

I'm a guy and I've gotten this too. I think it's because I take a little longer to process the question and respond. They think because I took extra time it means I had to think extra hard and therefore I might change my mind. In reality what happened was they interrupted my previous train of thought and it took a moment to get over the shock and process what they asked. I think there's also the aspie aura of innocence that people think they can take advantage of.

Yes, same thing. I'm don't know what the 'success rate' is for these type of tactics and I'm sure it's culture dependent too. I doubt many attempts result in anything more than 'leave me alone you creep'.

I feel a combination of factors influence this behaviour. The overt sexualization that is pretty much everywhere and some essence of PUA BS that has filtered into modern mythology combined with the old school projecting ego and attitude that when a women says 'no' she may mean 'yes'. The former keeps up a heightened state of awareness, belief that the next conquest could be here and now, the latter encourages the persistence, that even though you show no interest, you may just be testing them out.

These strategies are much easier than being nice, attempting humour or trying to make an intelligent conversation. Maybe I'm just cynical.

The only real advice I can offer is to be as blunt as possible, 'No and I mean No' and turn away, I would apologise on their behalf but I don't feel remotely related to these people. Hope you find a solution soon.

Maybe cards could work 'Your technique sucks'

It sounds like a problem of male entitlement and sexism, more than Aspergian difficulties. The women's discussion area might have more ideas on how to deal with the issue. Have you posted this there yet?

Refusal to conform to societal expectations such as marriage and children, which girls are told from a young age they should both want and have, confuses NTs who seem to feel a lot more pressure to conform. Because they can't understand your lack of desire for both, and because society tells us that it is right that all women should marry and have children, they assume that it is you who is 'wrong' somehow and that given time you will realise your place, discover your 'womanly instincts' and therefore change your mind. 'It's just a phase'.

I'm afraid I have yet to find a solution to this problem, but I understand how difficult this constant questioning of your choices is as I have the same lack of desire. Perhaps once we have reached 50 years without kids, then people will understand.

As far as men not respecting your opinions, that is sexism and male entitlement. It is absolutely not the result of your AS. Since you turned 15? That's puberty, you are now a woman, society tells us that your worth will be dictated by men - how attractive you are, marriage to a nice/good looking/wealthy man etc. Men are brought up with a constant bombardment and positive reinforcement of the idea that women are sexual objects, that they are not as strong or as smart as men, that they need to be taken care of by men, that they need to look pretty to please men. Your opinions do not, in their minds, hold the same weight as their opinions - so the fact that you want them to leave you alone can be rationalised away as you being frigid, a b***h, you don't really know what you want, you'd like it if you'd let them close, etc.

Once again, as this is a pervasive societal view, you will likely have to combat sexism your whole life if you continue to deal with the 'real world' of business and social situations. Don't forget that other women are brought up in this society and can, therefore, also be sexist against women. If they are constantly ignoring your requests, that is harassment, so don't worry about being rude in return - your comfort and safety are just as important, if not more, than male pride (but be careful in case they become violent - don't forget that 'fire!' is more likely to bring help than 'rape!'). I'm sorry you have to deal with this type of problem so often; it's a constant challenge to your self-esteem, but you seem to be ready to give them a piece of your mind. Do so, and if needs be, physically shove them away.

Perhaps if you dress 'like a lesbian' or make an effort to appear 'ugly', that will deter some of them. I wish I had an easy answer for you.

My knee-jerk reaction was "this is a couple of different issues tangled up into one", age and gender being two of them, but it actually comes down to the same thing:
your opinions are being dismissed, and that's not cool.

Other people are better at getting idiots to buzz off than I am -- I hardly ever get flirted with or hit on, and when it happens, my incredulity plus unimpressed look alone seem to do the job. I have no idea how or why this works, though, and I don't even know whether it'd be the same in cultures with different approaches to flirting etc.

I did however use to get the same thing re: children and marriage, and people have only stopped doing this since I either gave them reasons (option for people I care about enough that I'll try and find something they'll accept) or told them, essentially, "who are you to question or judge my choices like that? It's rude and disrespectful. I do not need to justify my choices to you, and I'm not going to discuss this with you any further. Please change the topic or find someone else to talk to."
One or two people were angry and/or embarrassed (? I think), but I've also had people realise how inappropriate they were being.

I don't know where in the world you are, so depending on the culture you live in and with, calling other people out on their rudeness might not be an option, especially when they're significantly older than you. In those cases, it might be best just to tell them something along the lines of "well, we all need make our own mistakes in order to grow" or something like that, and then decisively change the topic -- cuts like a knife, yet is polite on the surface.

tl;dr sexism sucks, and I hope that our nieces and nephews, or at least their kids, won't have to deal with it as much as we do. I also hope you find an approach that works for you.

People don't seem to accept "I don't know" as a valid answer, and will ask me the same question repeatedly (perhaps in a different way each time) as if they think I am holding out on them, and that I'll give them the answer they want if they pester me often enough.

Maybe that's it; maybe they're looking for confirmation of an answer they've already decided on. This could explain why they argue with me when I give the most correct answer, and try to convince me that another answer - the one they've already decided on - is THE right one.

I will give the answer that I know to be true, even if the answer is "I don't know", and even if it conflicts with the answer that they want.

This happens to me a lot. I'm a man, no one looking at me thinks I'm a push over, in fact apparently I'm rather intimidating even though I still feel about 7 years old (that was a fun age, I think).

They argue with my answers not because they can get away with it but because they cannot handle the answer.
Very much like in A Few Good Men "You can't handle the truth!"
It's the only answer that makes sense.
They can't cope with it, it doesn't fit their happy lil prefab biased world views.
So why do they ask me?

I dunno.

Many people that I consider quite intelligent not only DON'T argue, but they seem to understand my 'answers' well enough to even help develop them. And/or provide verifications from their own life experiences.

So Kjas my opinion is that they argue with you because they are stupid.
Sorry, you're going to have either become stupider or try and find the more rare smart people to talk to.
Or develop lies that the stupid people will accept so they'll go away and stop bugging you.

Yes, this is quite common in my experience--stupid NTs only want to hear answers that agree with them!

It's not just the NTs.

Trolls, conspiricists, religious fundamentalists, and people with ASDs who believe that only their experiences are valid.

Most people here have covered the high points.

I run into this too--it's like some people are being purposefully dense or ignorant, or becoming selectively deaf when I give what seems to be a reasonable, logical answer to whatever. (I also get "Are you sure?" a lot. YES, DAMMIT!! ! )

In courtroom proceedings, witnesses sometimes embellish even when the attorneys and/or judge don't want them too. One of them may then say something like this: "Asked and answered - move on." Give that a try next time, in a firm, no-nonsense, don't-f**k-with-me tone.

Or: "You seem to have something in your ear that is impeding your ability to understand me. I'll leave you be until you dig it out" and then walk away.

If some of these people are directly involved in activities you like, I'm sorry, but sometimes "rudeness" is all certain people understand.