I feel like I don't deserve my parents

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My parents are too good for me. They ought to have a better son than me. I'm convinced. Every week I go and spend the evening with them. And my most recent visit left me feeling so ashamed. I had just learned a few hours before that my movie date for the next day had cancelled. No real reason, she just wasn't feeling like going out. I want to be able to come to my parents and say, "I'm seeing someone." I'm 29 and I can't get my dating life together in any way, and I feel embarrassed on behalf of my parents for having a son who has zero prospects of finding a woman and starting a family. Meanwhile they're talking about other people getting married, people younger than me, and it drives me mad to where I just really want to hurt myself.

And then there's my sister who is moving with her husband to a big new house, while I'm too ashamed to even bring my parents over to my place. A crummy little apartment in a rundown building. No one's idea of success or achievement.

And to cap it all off, my Dad, who is a coach and raising money to buy some new equipment, got a 5,000 dollar check from a former athlete, who I knew in school, and who is younger than me. My dad's had a thousand sons, kids he's mentored, and many went on and did great things. Meanwhile, I can't frigging afford to even donate to my dad's cause, and I was a lousy athlete for him all the years he coached me. I worked terribly hard, and just got injured all the time, and was utterly useless.

In fact, my parents offered to pay my monthly cell bill, which I angrily refused. Because I may not make much, but dammit I make enough that they don't need to effin help me. I just want their pride. I want to make good. i feel so pathetic living at home as long as I did...it took me two years to find steady work and move out into my own place. I work long hours, which doesn't leave much time for my artistic projects. My one hope, is that one of these projects will take off, and I'll finally have the makings of my career, and finally, my parents will really have something about me they can really be proud of. I feel like I've fallen short in so many ways, I don't deserve their love. They deserve someone who didn't have parents, but persevered and found success. Someone with true inborn potential. Instead of a born loser. God I must earn their love.

They are proud of you because you're you. A parent doesn't have to have a kid that does this or that or has that thing or the other thing or works at this great job and is married to that great spouse. Sure, every parent wants those kinds of things for our kids, but not to reflect back on us or to confirm what a good job of parenting we did. We want those things for our kids because we want our kids to be happy and we think those things would make them happy.

Parents don't stop being parents when you turn 18. We still try to steer and suggest and hint to you about the things we think you should do. It's not to try and push you to success so that we will have the satisfaction, it's because those are the things we think would make you happy. We don't have to understand every choice our kids make, and we won't. We would like to understand it and therefore we would like them to make the choices we would make for them, but when they don't - and that's most of the time - we just watch them to see if they are pleased with things.

Parents don't offer you money or gifts out of charity or pity, it's because to us a part of you is still a kid that needs us and comes to us for things and we get the satisfaction of being able to provide it. It's a good feeling to give your kid something, whether that kid is 15 and it's a video game or 25 and it's a large loan. While it's two very different items, and two very different circumstances, it's the same feeling for the parent.

I think you see yourself with dissatisfaction and because of that, you feel that your parents see you the same way. They don't. Parents see the kid as a very different person than the kid sees himself. No matter how grown you are, when your parent looks at you they can still see their child down inside the grownup face and body. They want that child to be happy and they want to make that child happy if they can, even though the ways of doing that have changed.

It's wonderful that you look up to them so much and think so highly of them. They know you love them, but I bet you anything they would love to hear the high esteem you hold them in, because that's a very different thing than love. If you want to do something that will make your parents so very proud, tell them the good things about them that you told us. Write them a letter if you want to, so they can look at it when they want to. They will cherish it, I promise you. Most kids don't tell their parents those kinds of things. Parents hear "I love you" or "You're a great Mom/Dad" but they don't hear that they are respected and esteemed by their kid, and why they are. That's a pretty rare thing for a parent to hear. Don't tell them the negative stuff about you, but write them a letter telling them why they are good parents and great people. Do it just because they are.

I guarantee you that is something that they will be proud of and treasure forever.

Have your parents told you that they are ashamed of you? I hope not. If they are really good parents, then they shouldn't be ashamed of the thing things you mentioned in this post. Having money and a pretty family is great, but the important thing is that you are hard working and morally upright, which it sounds like you are.

Good parents will love you regardless of your relationship status. I don't plan on ever getting married, but I don't expect my parents to be ashamed of me for that. Your relationship status is your business; you don't even have to tell your parents about it if you don't want to.

About money, your parents are probably proud of you being self-sufficient, even if it did take you a few years. It sounds like you have worked hard to overcome some challenges. Many parents would rather have a hard-working child than a lucky, rich, entitled child (at least, I would if I were a parent).

I can understand why you got upset over them offering to pay your cell phone bill. I have always hated being dependent on my parents for money; I am glad to have my own job now so that I can make my own budget, and I am counting down the months until I will be able to move out of their house. However, your parents are just acting on their paternal instinct- when they see their child struggling to make enough money, it is only natural for them to want to help.

You can't earn your parents love, and you don't need to earn it. They love you because you are their child and because they are good parents. Loving you makes them happy, and the only thing to can do to repay them is to love them in return.

Don't worry. Your gratitude credits will be called in when your parents are in an elder stage of life and you will be able to help as much as you'd like.

So far the only real issue I'm seeing is your lack of self-esteem and it's the root cause of why you will never be satisfied. Not letting them pay for your cellphone bill when you are a 29 year old young professional struggling with money (as many if not most people your age are doing in this economy) just reeks of foolish pride. Ironic since you claim to have none.

Outside of the dating realm (which is none of your parent's business anyway), you are doing much better than most people your age and yet you continue to complain about how much of a failure you are. Clearly if you're a failure (with your college degree, career job, major award, relative independence) than most people here must be miserable failures if not worse.......... What, do you think you're better than everyone else?

No.

I hold myself to a higher standards. I'm deficient as a person in a lot of ways. Socially maladjusted, hopeless romantically. I wouldn't dare go to my high school reunion for fear of what will happen. I have friends who travel the world, who are married and with kids, one who even works in the White House. By comparison, I've done very little. Made a few movies that have won some awards...nothing major, nothing that made an impact. I don't earn much, and it's a struggle to pay the bills and keep my new films projects afloat and on track. I'm treading water and I'm quickly realizing I haven't any shot of finding a woman to love. And I dare not aspire to have kids, because I don't want to pass along my autistic genes to them.

Doing something really great will be my redemption. A terrific documentary. Or a fantastic book (I'm working on five at the moment, a mass, interconnected series in the vein of Balzac's Human Comedy). Something to prove to everyone, including myself, that I could do one thing really, really well, so people will understand that yes, I was an odd, outsider, but I had within me, a great heart, a great creative spirit.

And then, maybe, people will want to get to know me, and maybe even I will find love. And I will finally be able to repay all that my parents have given me, by doing something that shows the world what a good job they did raising me. Because right now, I feel I haven't done nearly enough, and it's an insult to them, who worked so hard to give me every opportunity they could. They deserve more, and I must give it to them.

As I've said before, none of those things will make you happy. It's your attitude that's the real problem.