My aunt is in the hospital

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Yes, this is the same aunt who sexually abused me for many years. She's having a heart attack thanks to her habit of popping amphetamines as if they were Tic Tacs.

I hope she does not live through this. Really. Thanks to what she has taught me when I was just a boy, I spent a decade of my life passing myself through one older man after another, letting myself be used as a living sex toy, and thinking that was completely normal. I will never have those years back. She killed a part of my soul.

Some people are telling me that I should forgive her, and that I should show her empathy. If I do that, it would be the same as letting her off the hook and giving her the opportunity to abuse other minors.

As it stands, she is protected by the statute of limitations. There is nothing I can do about what she did to me now.

The way I see it, the only way that she can make herself useful now is if she died today. It's pissing me off that people are going on and on about how she had "such a hard life", as if that excuses the fact that she is a narcissistic child molester. I can't even think about getting into a healthy sexual relationship without remembering what she put me through. Death is far too kind of a fate for a woman like her.

I totally understand your feelings about this. Isn't it crazy how many people (especially family) take the side of the abuser and the victim becomes the one shunned, when it should be the other way around. I'm so sorry you were abused, and I hope you'll find relief if your aunt passes. You have no obligation to forgive a pedophile.

People act that way because they're uncomfortable with anyone being in pain. Passing it off and going "oh have empathy" is a response to protect themselves - they'd feel better if you weren't hurt by what she did. It really isn't fair and I'm sorry you have to go through that. You have every reason and right to want her dead.

Frankly, I am pissed off at my family's tactics. My aunt kept me silent for many years by telling me that I brought her actions upon me, that I deserved them, that I "asked for them" through my social awkwardness. When I entered my teen years, I thought that I did not deserve anything better than to be taken advantage of. I was a budding homosexual, and I let many older men take advantage of me. I am torn between hating my aunt for the example she provided for me, and hating myself for submitting to everything that I did submit to.

Yeah, I am in an incredibly emotional state right now. I am not stuffing my feelings inside of myself with alcohol or with food. I am feeling what I have been avoiding. I should be feeling this. The only way out of it is through it. A year ago, I would have been pouring Jim Beam down my throat.

It looks like my aunt is going to live, which means she will survive longer in order to feed her own narcissistic needs and to hurt everybody around her.

God is merciless sometimes.