Slight Issues with My Mother

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I've been home on summer break from college for a few months now. And I'm encountering some minor issues with my mum. Any feedback or advice is greatly appreciated. By the way, sorry if this is a bit long.

I often get the feeling that things have changed between myself and my mum, which I don't understand. Nothing felt different during the school year. I was a "good son," calling her at least once a day and answering every call and text. I had no issues with her coming to visit me several times. (Although I did feel bad for her making over a twelve-hour drive both ways.) But, shortly after I got home, things just didn't feel the same. I got the feeling that she sometimes views me as lazy and somewhat disapproves of my special interests (books, writing, and learning languages, just to name a few). Once, when I mentioned to her that I was teaching myself Esperanto, along with forging ahead in German, she asked me what the point was. After I explained that it was for enjoyment and to ease my learning of Romance languages, she still questioned the point. Or, once she asked what the works of philosophy I was reading were about. I explained them, and she asked, again what the purpose was and why I needed to know those things. (Adding that the Bible offered much simpler answers.) It's true that I spend a lot of time pursuing my special interests, and I sometimes would like a bit of solitude when I'm writing. But, on the other hand, I am working three jobs this summer, help out around the house quite a bit, and spend a lot of time with my family.

The only change that happened with me was that I decided I am an agnostic. It was the result of many years' doubt and careful study. Although, I never told my family about this, as they are very religious. I would really like to tell them, but my parents would feel they fundamentally failed. I also don't think they could ever accept I made my choice freely. (They'd say things such as I don't have enough faith, haven't studied the Bible, don't understand Christianity, the devil has manipulated me through various means, etc.) Interestingly, I noticed that my mother seems to have become more fervent in her evangelical Christianity.

She also has taken a different perspective on things relating to me. She's very focused on things influencing and "controlling" me. This was never an issue before. She knew and was proud that I always thought for myself and lived my life as an individual - why would it change now? Here's one example. My music: she finds it incomprehensible that I like music beyond classical. I love classical and listen to it all the time. It's my favorite kind of music. That being said, I do love other kinds of music - jazz, progressive rock, electronic, Krautrock, new wave/post-punk, and many others. She thinks my friends manipulated my tastes. She doesn't seem to believe the fact that I found these different kinds of music on my own and that I like them. Music is very important to me, by the way.

Another way that I've noticed her change is towards my future travels. I plan on studying abroad in Europe next year. Before college she was very supportive of the idea, thinking that it would help my foreign language skills and be fun. But now it seems like she supports the idea grudgingly. She laments how she won't be able to visit me, due to high costs, and worries about me falling in love with a European girl. I understand these feeling - I really do - but, at the same time, they make me feel guilty. I've also discussed the possibility of me moving to Europe, depending how my semester abroad goes, and I've received similar responses.

I love my mother immensely. I can't emphasize that enough, but I feel like some of these things are making the summer less enjoyable. Ideally, I could talk about it with her, but it would only crush her, no matter how gently I put it.

That sounds hauntingly familiar.
I was raised in a strict catholic family, dragged along to church every Sunday, and was brow beaten when I insisted I didn't want to attend anymore.
It's not normal nor healthy to have a relationship with your mother where you are expected to, or even voluntarily contact her every single day when you have reached adulthood and are living independently studying.

It's totally up to you how you deal with this problem - and it is a problem - but understand that sometimes parents - especially mothers - have difficulty accepting when their children have grown up, are independent, and are able to make decisions for themselves, including what to do with their lives, what they believe, how they feel about the faith they were brought up with, and what interests they wish to pursue.

By all means remain in contact with your mother, but you are going to have to find a way to confront her, and let her know you are an adult, that she cannot make decisions for you, and that she has to accept that you can and will make decisions for yourself that she may not agree with.

If your mother truly loves you and does indeed want what's best for you, she will struggle for a time, but learn to accept this., and I sincerely hope this is the case for you.

In my case, the relationship with my mother could be described as emotional incest.
She has actively sabotaged relationships with my girlfriends in the past, including with my current wife - going so far as to call her, me, and my counsellor insisting that my relationship was not healthy, and that I should instead be going back to my ex wife - who divorced me when she couldn't handle my undiagnosed Asperger's and depression. My mother still disputes this took place, however my wife was with me when the phone rang and witnessed my discussion (and discomfort) when the counsellor calls, as well as the fact she has vivid memories of the call she received, and the one I did, that naturally I discussed with her.

Previously she even enlisted friends to help try to make me break up with a girl she did not approve of, because she was not of the same ethnicity, nor a "desirable socio economic match".

What all children (even when they are grown up) need and deserve from their families is nothing short of unconditional love.
Anything less than this is passive aggressive manipulation, and life is hard enough as an Aspie, without having to cop that from your family on top of everything else.

I would also strongly recommend you seek independent advice from a counsellor, psychologist or therapist as well, as a relationship such as the one you have with your mother is not something you will be likely to resolve on your own, or between you and your mother without an independent third party to assist. Good luck.

Thanks, blenh. I'm sorry to hear about your experiences. That really is very awful. While I notice some parallels, my mother does have some knowledge of boundaries and knows generally not to intervene. Even if I do end up moving to Europe for a few years, she'd be saddened and feel like she's losing me, but she wouldn't interfere with my decision and support it.

Now that I think about it, there's a strange duality. (I also realized that three major things are central to what I described about her: devout views on Christianity, emotional fragility, and a near-phobic attitude about anything relating to sex.) She and my father were/are excellent parents, in my view. They love me unconditionally, taught me to think for myself, and encouraged me to pursue my interests. I suppose the whole reason I posted this thread was this odd change I've noticed since I've been home - which, now that I think about it, isn't always present.

Going from that, then, I think what I'm wondering about is how to handle it. I know that the differences in opinions and views will come up in the future. I'd like to find a girlfriend sometime, and my mother certainly wouldn't approve - though she wouldn't try to sabotage it or interfere. In her opinion, a person should wait until they're around 30 to even start dating, have a good job and own a home, meet the person through their church or some Christian group, and absolutely no physical contact until married.

My aim isn't to change her views. I realize that her uprbinging and life experiences really shaped these opinions and beliefs, and that's fine. At least I know that when I do have to discuss these things, my father will be the voice of reason, as he's much more tolerant than my mom.