Is there anything to be happy about?

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A few years ago, I couldn't tell how I felt at all – the question "how are you?" didn't make any sense to me.

Now it does, and the honest answer is that I'm usually between –3 and +2 on a –10 to +10 scale. That is, my life isn't going that badly. I'm healthy, I have a home, food, enough money, and a full-time occupation, so I guess I can say I'm doing OK.

But to me, "doing OK" doesn't deserve a positive number. It mostly keeps me out of the negative range, but I don't really get into the positive range, either, because a high number implies some sort of happiness.

Now is there anything in my life to be happy about? In my first year at the university, I was really excited when I got my first perfect grade. Now I get perfect grades all the time, and I'm probably among the top 10% of the students around here. But when people say that money doesn't make you happy on a long-term basis, I can confirm that the same thing applies to other kinds of achievements.

To develop happiness and self-esteem, I need other people. I think my value to this world is determined by what other people think about me. It only takes a random person to say "you're worthless", and I'll feel worthless. Granted, there are only few people who express this verbally, but I know how to interpret it when everyone ignores and/or rejects me.

People say positive things about my abilities and achievements all the time, but hardly anyone has ever said anything positive about me.

OK, I do have a few friends. I'm not sure if they actually like me or just tolerate me. I think liking requires perceiving someone as pleasant, and I know that social interaction with me isn't pleasant for either party. To me, it's a temporary cure for loneliness, but I don't actually enjoy it. So I'm in the dilemma that I can't be happy among people, but I can't be happy without them, either.

I know that I need to live so all the time and money that other people have spent in me isn't wasted. In a few years, I'll pay taxes and maybe contribute to scientific or technological progress a tiny bit. So I'm basically a piece of human capital and not much else. Once I become unable to work for some reason, there won't be any more justification for my life.

I know that there are anti-depressant and other drugs that can turn me into a robot and make me stop wondering about such stuff (so I can function better in my role as human capital), but I'd like to avoid that. Do you know any other solution?

If you want to reduce it to that view, that you are only a piece of human capital, this would be so for every other person as well. So do you thin, that everybody, not working anymore, has no more justification for living?

If not, then why do you fell other about other people unable to work, and you?

This statement was exclusively about me. I'm not entitled to tell other people how to feel about their life.

Not sure this is off on the wrong tangent, but think thru what life is like for a brand new immigrant to your country. Make the immigrant a different race, and have a different culture and religion. Do not imagine they have a large community of similiar backround people to enter. Let there just be a few widely seperated.

The point is that depending upon the circumstances NTs can also have to face a very similiar challenge as we do. It only addresses certain aspects of what you wrote, but to an extent if it is impossible for you to be happy then it means that it is impossible for the immigrant to be happy. Is that true?

Of course there are other people who are in a similar situation. I wouldn't have thought of immigrants but of other hardcore nerds.

On the other hand, I can only think of one person at my age to whom this might apply, too. And he would already be a lot more popular if he took a shower and did something about his facial hair.

I can empathize a lot with Dr. House. But unlike him, I at least try to be nice.

Have you gone to see a therapist? You're at a university now, nearly all universities have free mental health services. They can help you to work on not only your social skills but also your self esteem and depression. I've been to a handful in my past, some were incredibly helpful and others not so much. But one thing it allows is for you to get an honest (mostly) opinion of how you come across and what you may be doing wrong socially, as well as concrete steps that you can take to resolve those issues.

If you need something to live for, I will tell you what got me through these thoughts: Life wants nothing more than to see you give in. to stop. But life is quite frankly not that cool for that. You are capable of thought and so you should fight any oppressor. Fight life for the sake of fighting and deny it victory by just continuing on. Live to troll life, and to make other people who do feel good about life, lives better. Live to make other peoples day.

I already consulted a university therapist 1.5 years ago. This is a summary of the 1-hour conversation [my comments are in brackets]:


That's not exactly what I need right now. People tell me that I'm good at thinking all the time (and I'm ashamed to bring it up here because it sounds like bragging). But I need someone to tell me that I'm OK as a human being – someone other than my mother.

Right now, I have to assume that I'm an unapproachable boring as*hole genius (again, I don't intend to brag – there's nothing positive about being an as*hole genius). I know people like that, and I'm disgusted by them. I don't want to disgust people. And there are many people who are proof that it's perfectly possible to be both smart and nice.

Ah - the meaning of life existential crisis. In my 20s, that was one of the roots of my depression; what worked for me was this - I realized that nobody knows the answer to that question, "What is the meaning of life" (no, the answer is not 42), so my purpose in life is to try to help others. Even Einstein said, "We are here for the sake of others". For here, IQ doesn't matter; if one helps another, and another helps a third, and so on, eventually, a person might help you in the end. There are a lot of mean people out there, it is true. But if you help them and protect yourself so that they can't hurt you, then at least you did something ethically right. As for our importance in the universe, science has very well shown in the last century that we are as important as neutrinos in the scheme of things. I'm a dullard, but that was the best conclusion I came up with. I hope the best for you, Vectorspace. Remember, it's now how smart you are; it is what you do with that intelligence that matters to help others.

A large part of my social interaction is in fact helping people about their computer problems. I enjoy doing that, but it's not really rewarding. When done, they politely say "thank you" and go on ignoring me.

That's comparable to the "relationship" people have towards the stepladder that they keep in the closet. Once they need it (like, when a light bulb is broken), they're very happy about its existence. But when the light bulb is changed, there is nothing else they can do with the stepladder, so they put it back into the closet.

I can't blame people for treating me like an object because I behave like one. But that doesn't mean I can handle it.

As I said, some can be incredibly helpful, and others not so much . Not to mention, it sounds like you only had one session with her, and you really can't get anything out of a single session, it takes 2-3 weeks for them just to get to know you and your situation. I think you should try again, albeit definitely not with the same therapist. When you schedule your appointment try letting whoever is setting up the appointment know about your social issues, so that she can send you to whoever may specialize in that area. There's private practices too that may offer somewhat better and more specialized services, but they don't usually come cheap unless you have really good insurance (it may be different in Germany though, idk). On the internet we can offer all the advice and support in the world, but in the end none of us really know you for you, we just know you through what you type on a keyboard, and that's where I feel therapy can really help.

Also, I wouldn't even mention Aspergers initially, just list all of the issues you are struggling with, and how you would like to overcome them. After all, it's their job to diagnose you and all, and I don't think they take kindly when you do that part for them lol.

There is an Asperger's specialist in the city where I live (20min bicycle ride from home), and sessions should be covered by the insurance.

Here comes the problem: I don't have my own insurance, but it's still covered by my father's, so I can't go to any doctor without him finding out. And if he knows it, my stepmother will know it, too, and I really don't want that.

I don't think what I need is a therapist. I need friends with whom I can connect. But such people are incredibly hard to find. As I mentioned before, I was friends with a WP user a few months ago, so I know it is possible, but when her social life became better than mine, I wasn't interesting to her any more. I still have other friends (see OP) who tolerate me even though they have a better social life, but it's not the same thing.

i don't have anything smart to comment as the rest but i am thinking about you and i really hope you can enjoy Life more.
have you felt this way for a long time? sometimes i have periods when im pretty much emotionless and other periods when i feel extremly much. I wish i could tell you what to do about that but i have not yet found a solution to this problem myself. But If your like me do as the others suggested and get therapy help and hold on for the next happy period.

I totally understand that you don't want your dad or stepmom finding out. But give it some thought. Therapy has helped me enourmously through the years. And them knowing that you feel bad is maybe a good thing. Then they will know the signs of your mental Health better cause if you should get suicidal one day they could lose you forever.

Not all therapists are good therapists so if you give it a try (you can alwas change your mind you know )
and keep in mind that there is more therapists out there who can help better if your unlucky and get one that doesn't understand you at all.

they can become a social outlet too, thats what it was like for me for a while. we could slowly get to know eachother and talk about things that was both good and bad and make sense of it.

and if they suggest a medicine of some sort. Think it through and talk to them about how you feel about that Before you start. Don't let them force you into anything
Most antidepressants don't make you numb. i know that from experience. I tried everything when it come to medicine and the most annoying part is actually that it gives other side effects. but if they give you the right dose that is suited for you it should be ok. And you don't take them for Life. Only when you need them the most.

hope you feel better soon. Hugs and good luck

How exactly did it help you? By cheering you up or by giving you advice that actually improved your life?

I didn't have such problems in high-school or before. I basically hated people, so I didn't even try to get anyone to like me. But only recently, I noticed that people are nice, so I changed my attitude and now I'm trying to be social. In my old role, I was the one who rejected people, but now, I'm the one who gets rejected. Guess what feels better... I'm beginning to regret my change.

I could get my own insurance (it's not that expensive for students), but I would still have to tell my Dad. In less than 2 years, however, I will have to, anyway. I live in my own place, and my stepmother is definitely not the person I want to talk to when I feel bad (and talking to my Dad is impossible without her interfering).

Coffee has a slightly numbing effect (which I find strange). I don't notice any side effects, but I can't drink that much, either. On the other hand, stress and lack of sleep make me worry more.

Both, it gave me hope to have someone who gave me peptalks when i was really sick way back. and the latest therapy i had helped me learn things about myself since i got the diagnosis. How i should take care of myself to feel as good as i can and how to prevent getting worse.
She also helped me see things from a different prespective and dealing with my anxiety.Im not gonna lie, im still Learning that but i don't fear it and i most of the time know why im feeling the way i do and that it's going to go away eventually.

I guess it's different how people react to coffee and other things. It makes me hyper and happy or at least happier. If im sad it makes me just hyper and restless. Ive Heard that too much coffie can give you anxiety and it sounds like a evil circle to me. I try not to drink so much cofee as i once did. It dehydrates you too. Have you tried tea? it calms me down sometimes but it can ruin your sleep if you drink it too Close to bedtime they say. But there are teas that help ou calm down and sleep.

i used to keep my distance to people, still do. I would focus of finding one or two really good friends.They are rare i know. I was lucky to find one in school and we still talk but she just got her first baby so it's not that often right now.
It gives you time to rest after spending time with someone if you only have one or two. How to find them? well im on the spectrum so i still don't know how that happens. Just don't waste your time on people who make you feel insecure about yourself. and if they give you the opportunity for them to get to know you better, take it! most people get the wrong impression of us on the spectrum it seems to me.

Did you get lonely at all when you hated people?