So tired of living like this...

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I'm so tired of reading and trying to relate to posts here that start "I'm so lonely" and then the next sentence is "my boyfriend/ girlfriend--duh duh duh" or "my best friend duh duh duh", if they're lonely than what am I? Miserable? Jealous?

Everyone seems to love being autistic but me. I spend all of my time alone because being around anyone makes me feel so subhuman. I'm such a weirdo, and I don't use this term lightly. Other people have normal obsessions or interests, not me. I obsess over things where the target audience is teenage girls, I am not a teenage girl, I am 25, it is creepy, I hate the things I love. I can't talk about them with anyone because then they'll know how big of a creep I am, I already feel like people are afraid of me because of how I look (hint: creepy).

I graduated with a degree in biology, but I have no interest in working in the field, it doesn't interest me anymore, I've moved on. But what I've moved on to: writing, trying desperately to be creative, to make something beautiful, anything, is so obviously against my nature it sickens me. I am not creative, I am a logical machine that should be making spread sheets for the rest of my life and I hate that. I have no idea what I could be paid to do, I've only ever held temp jobs, cheap labor washing dishes or weeding fields. I haven't worked a proper job before, i'm lazy, so lazy.

I hate how I've lost every friend I made, I hate how I've never even been kissed before. Day after day I'm just trying to keep my head above water, trying to distract myself from how lonely I am but I'm failing to see the point if the future will just be more of the same. Soon I have to move back in with my mother because I can no longer afford to pay rent as I've been unemployed for several years now. It's humiliating, how can I talk to anyone when the first question they'll ask is how my life is going? Atrocious, how about you? Oh, you're getting married in the Spring? Let me just jump off this high building over there....

And here I am talking to a psychologist every week, learning for the first time all about emotions and how they "feel". I feel so broken, learning things I'm not programmed to learn. I'm making little progress, I think pretty soon I'll hit the limits of my emotional intelligence, I'm dumb, so dumb.

I have no idea what to do, I feel so alone right now.

If it's any consolation, lots of folks here on WP feel hopeless and their life can end at any moment. I'm one of them. It is good to know that others are in despair like me. In a strange way it keeps me around for one more day.

That's the thing about being on the spectrum, you can have friends, family even a partner or spouse, but still feel lonely, as no-one but someone else on the spectrum or with experience of it can really relate in the deep way that we like to relate to others.
NT's are happy with superficial interactions and friendship, and I daresay some on the spectrum are too, but many of us just want to feel someone else can really understand how we think, feel, and want to be appreciated; this is a normal part of the human condition as everyone wants to feel loved, appreciated, valued, and part of something bigger like a family, social group, or community.

It's the feeling of not belonging, or being the odd one out that makes some of us feel lonely, even in a crowd.

Yes many of us have secret or unusual interests and obsessions, but what's wrong with that; is it that you feel guilty because others would find you creepy? Everyone has some sort of fetish, interest or quirk that others may find confronting, in a way it makes you normal, it's the repression and guilt that's the problem not the odd interest.

If you're not comfortable with your obsessions you can either try to find something else to obsess about or learn to accept it's part of your nature; usually most obsessions are transitional anyway, and you may find yourself gravitating to something you find less embarrassing at a later point.
You don't have to share your "dirty little secret" with anyone if you don't want to, and not doing so would really only make you like all the others like you that like to pretend they're normal, and guess what.
There really is no such thing as normal anyway, just a statistical aggregate, but very few people actually fit in the narrow "normal" bandwidth, so in a way not being normal paradoxically makes you normal!

some ppl get Christianity and their Bible studies provide so much for them, I met someone that this certainly was the case, but tho i am God fearing and generally of a Christianmoal character I only have a 'light touch' on such devotion.

I personally read and explore, theres lots been done in the span of civilisation. I suggest get more into books, ease off online, computer and web can easily be tunnel vision. Look at less fashionable older books, encyclopedias (not Brittanica) and soak up a wider view, get into a good reference library .... thats if they haven't already put it all into storage.

I also turn down the 'people importance' control in my brain (i am more a natural history and landscape sort of man).... they are not gonna give u what u want anyway in my experience, most are capricious and shallow with little staying power, little useful imagination or depth.

i hope this helps ...

unkissed .. yup know all about that ! !

postscript .. you talk of loneliness, at seventeen i had grave and serious feelings that my pain and discomfort was too great; hang on in, create a world that you like.

So in counterpoint to the OP, I started to pursue intimate relationships in my teens and that hit its crescendo some ten years later. The sad thing about it was, I believed I had overcome my childhood "awkwardness." After all, I was getting chicks, I must be cool, etc. In retrospect nearly everyone I got intimate with had serious issues of their own, including my current partner (who I actually married). Now at the apex of relationship pain, I look back on it all, and aside from some of the sex, I have to conclude ... "meh!"

Perhaps if I knew what I had, way back when, I might have approached things differently. I'd likely have been much more reluctant to pursue a number of those relationships. Considering their outcomes, that actually would have been a positive.

Who knows, by being more selective I might have met either another ASDer or perhaps an NT who was tolerant ... as opposed to the litany of non ASDers but who ranged from PTSD, sex addict, drug addict, bipolar to OCD and OCPD. And that litany encompasses the present.

I think most here can relate to the lonliness. I think your working with a incorrect belief however, if you think almost everyone 'loves their autism' but you. That is certainly not the case, and it may be only a small (possibly very small) minority that do.

Its not hopeless. It literally only takes one person to dispel lonliness.