I need to snap out of this, soon.

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I am feeling overwhelmed. I am having the crushing feeling that I wasted all 34 years of my life to date. I should have well over $30,000 in the bank, not $30,000 in debt. I should have done something great by this point in my life. I should have had at least one decent intimate relationship.

Instead, I have had a past that is riddled with addictions and all sorts of traumatic events.

I have been crying uncontrollably at many points over the last weekend. I took Friday and today off work. Now I am certain I am going to lose my job eventually, even though my boss assured me that could not be further than the truth - my completely irrational emotions want to make me deaf to the comforting and reassuring words of others.

I need to pick myself up, right here, right now. I may have 34 years ahead of me to live well.

Frankly, I have an addictive personality inside of me who wants me to continue wasting my life, and I have a competing voice telling me to pick myself up, and it has been overloading my brain and I have been responding to this by completely melting down and looking for ways to distract myself and to numb the way I feel.

A part of me wants to die, another part of me knows that part is talking BS.

If only recovery from a screwed up way of life were as simple as flipping a lightswitch.

Wow, okay, I favor more of a controlled drinking approach to step away from the cycle, and I know that's controversial.

I myself have struggled with porn addiction, and I'll be happy to talk about parts of it, other parts may be too personal. And I've learned respecting my own privacy can be a good thing, but a lot of parts I'm happy to talk about.

I'm in recovery myself. Haven't touched the stuff in two years. I do have moments of crushing depression, not to mention I'm friendless and jobless at the moment.

You can say I'm in limbo, and it's not a good way to feel. Sometimes I really think about forcing a marriage and kids onto myself. It'll be fake but at least I'd have company and a purpose.

Hang in there. I wish that for you and me.

After a long phone conversation with my program sponsor, followed with a fifteen-minute conversation with my therapist on the phone, everybody seems to agree that I need to see my psychiatrist ASAP, as this most likely is a sign my chemical imbalance issues are rearing their ugly heads again. I'll be going to that doctor at 8am tomorrow, I just now made the appointment.

Your goals and your expectations do not match your reality.
By all means you should see your psychiatrist, but it's not just chemistry.
You need to have more realistic goals, be more accepting of yourself and your difficulties, and show yourself more compassion.
No one would say the Dalai Lama has wasted his life, and he does not own any personal possessions, has not had any intimate relationships, and is not in paid employment.
He can't even live in the country of his birth, for fear of reprisals from the Chinese government, and he struggles to support refugees from his country of origin, living in exile in India.

Have you considered that the addiction go hand in hand with the traumatic events?
Most people who struggle with addiction do so because they have deep seated trauma that has remained unresolved, and they reach for the bottle, pills, or needle when the difficult and painful feelings return.
Why should you punish yourself further for having a hard life that you did not create?

I suggest you check out this link; it won't solve all your problems, but may have some tools you can use in your journey to recovery:

http://self-compassion.com/

BTW - I am 41, unemployed, living in public housing as an "additional tenant", and if I was not supported by my wife would be a homeless bankrupt, who if forced to live with his parents would more than likely suicide, due to the trauma associated with my previous interactions with them.

It comes down to perspective; I could say my life is hopeless and I have nothing, or I could say I have all I need to survive.

I was telling my mom that I felt like a failure. She said "no, you're a survivor, you can't expect to reach the same goals as somebody who has had life easy". So, that's what I say to you, you're a survivor (literally, as abuse victims prefer to call themselves abuse survivors) and you should be happy that you survived, and you will be starting the rest of your life at a disadvantage. First, get the debt paid off. Credit cards are a b***h to pay off, since they add fees to make C more than A even after subtracting B. You might consider bankruptcy. Once you get the debt taken care of, you can get on with your life.