I don't feel I can handle life...

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I don't feel like I can handle a normal person's life, whatever normal is... let alone my life when it starts approaching normal. Lately, I've been having dreams about being trapped and trying to escape, or trying to hide what's different so that it is not taken from me. Sometimes on the path to "getting better" I feel as though I am supposed to disregard myself and my limits. My boyfriend tells me that I CAN indeed handle more than one activity a day, because I have done it when I'm forced to. This does not mean I could handle it repeatedly the rest of my life! And being forced to handle something and choosing to are two different things. So he says I just WON'T do it, which has the effect of my feeling like a weak and pathetic creature that apparently has decided not to live a busy life on purpose. I get sick when I'm too busy!! The stress is almost more than I can bear. I think, someone end this misery now! But, I don't want to die, I just don't want to be forced into a world I never wanted to join, never felt I could join, and do not seem to have the power to join, anyway. I now have a counselor, a psychiatrist, a doctor, a physical therapist, and a reading/writing class, plus needing to take care of my cat's health problems, needing to arrange shopping trips and get through them every week... I have to take trips to visit my family a couple times a month which destroys my routine and takes me out of my zone of comfort. I have to cook and direct activities and pretend I can handle all of this continuously. Right now I feel as though I will snap. My boyfriend wonders if maybe he should let me go back to my family because I'm having difficulty with our life together, but that would just tear me apart. I don't know how to be a good girlfriend, sister, daughter, and friend to all the people who need me in their lives. I should feel lucky that they want me. I feel overwhelmed. So some decide not to contact me and then I feel unwanted. I just don't know what to do or where to turn to feel safe and protected as my self. Is the depression and anxiety my self? Is there a social happy person hiding under there somewhere? When will I have time to process and keep myself together? I have to get healthy and be the best me that I can be, but who is that? What are her limits? How do I know what a limit is when I can push myself to do anything? How do I know what is right or wrong for me to aim for or accomplish? How many things should I take on at once? My life with my boyfriend is growing me, I just need watering and tender care before I break.

<hugs> I feel for you. I have to pare activities down to a minimum, especially if I'm feeling stressed. Multitasking is a no go also on most days. I do find that if I alternate quiet/unproductive days with days where I do get a lot accomplished it really helps. Otherwise, I just feel like I'm in a brain fog and have no resilience to stress at all.

This seems to describe a large portion of my life.

I need lots of alone time. I married another quiet person, so being with him is not stressful. I can do most anything, but, like you, get worn out if I try to do too much too often with other people. my husband understands. show your boyfriend what you wrote. some stress promotes growth. too much stress, though, as you say, can cause illness. your boyfriend (no one, actually, can) can't turn you into someone you're not. it will only cause both of you pain if he tries. you can't please everyone.

it's best to take care of yourself first (learned in twelve step program). then tend to meeting the needs of others, coming from a rested, healthy, good place. learn to say, "no." you don't have to be a perfect girlfriend or sister to be a good one. putting others first to your own detriment (feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and depressed) will naturally cause you to become resentful.

I am Cass'es boyfriend & we talked about this post after I read it & she suggested I reply about some of the stuff I said because reading can make more sense to us Aspies sometimes because we can dwell on it & stuff. Anyways I'll get to posting now...
I think me & her have a misunderstanding about when I say that she can handle more things. When I say that I'm not saying that she has to do more but rather that she is able to when she has to. When I suggest that she does more some days it is because I know that she needs to have a day off after a couple days & she can not enjoy a day off when she has other things to do that day so I suggest that she does more some days so she will be able to have more frequent whole days off. I'm not a social person either & never felt like I fit in with society or this word but I feel I fit in with her. I know from my personal experience dealing with depression & anxiety issues years ago that having too much to do can be bad & some days off are necessary. I think prioritizing what's most important would help & think her health is most important as well as her cat's health & us being able to eat. I do encourage her to put her health 1st more I don't really encourage her to be social persay. We go shopping together & I accompany her to her appointments. I do encourage her with physical therapy because she has regular pain & problems sleeping because of it. My mom tried it for awhile & usually tries to do her exercises 2/3x a day because it helps her. I know Cass is different but she only started going about a month ago & goes 1ce a week & I know that stuff can take a little while before it will help & it may hurt more at 1st so I think it should be tried awhile longer before deciding to quit. She was going to her counselor 1ce a week but recently started going every other week. I don't think counseling is helping her much because she's really stressed out about it the day before & she cant enjoy her day off if it's the day before. She also tells me how her counselor doesn't fully listen or understand her issues & the counseling approach isn't working & expects techniques to work for her if she does em enough that don't help her. Counseling did help Cass in the beginning when she 1st started but it hasn't seemed to help in a while & Cass said how it's not helping much either now so I think it may be good if she quit & latter on she could try seeing a different counselor who has a different approach when she has more time & feels ready for it. But Cass doesn't want to quit because she hates ending any kind of relationship & think quitting means that she's a failure because she didn't try hard enough or is broken because it didn't help her. In regards to Cass feeling like she's unwanted if members of her family don't contact her; I think of it as them respecting her boundaries & dealing with their own lives instead of pushing her to go past her limits but are very happy to have contact with her when they do. I think her family would understand & respect if she saw them alittle less often because she was busy, needing more time off or was dealing with stuff but she's torn between feeling overwhelmed & like she said out of her comfort zone when she does see them & missing them & feeling like she should be there for them if she doesn't. I'm trying my best to be helpful but I have my own issues as well(thou I'm much better adjusted rite now than her) & I'm not sure the best way to be helpful. Sometimes Cass needs time alone for herself but other times she needs reassurance or affection or advice figuring out what to do. Like other Aspies I'm not good at picking up on nonverbal cues & feel like I'm just guessing & stumbling around. I feel really bad that she feels bad & try my very best to be supportive but & hope that I get it rite.

MjrMajorMajor, thanks for the hugs. I get stressed pretty easily when I have things to do, even little things! I remember not too long ago telling my counselor what I had to do that day and she said "That's it?" as though it was nothing. Well, yeah, to an ordinary person, I suppose, but not for me. I guess they suppose that I can rest a few hours before doing something else. I don't seem to have that capability right now, as long as I know there is something to do in the future, I can't relax. I just keep seeing what I have to do later and it ruins every now moment. I understand about having a productive day followed by an unproductive day, I would like to have a schedule closer to that than having three busy days followed by an off day and then three questionable days of which I can either be busy again or get sick of being at home.

cathylynn, I, too, need a good amount of alone time. My boyfriend is pretty quiet and can let me have space when I need it. I am just terrible at letting him know that I need it. I don't seem to think that my needs are as important as his. That's not his fault, that's something I learned in my past.
I asked my boyfriend to read my post. I know my boyfriend can't turn me into someone I'm not, but thanks for reminding me. I guess I'm afraid that I'll turn myself into someone else in order to please the world, not just my boyfriend. He wants me to be happy, not someone else. He tries to tell me that I'll still be me even if I'm able to handle more and am not as depressed or anxious. Some part of me thinks it should please everyone. I'm just starting to learn how to please myself without feeling extremely guilty for doing so. I grew up being taught that selfishness was bad, and I took that to heart, so I try to put others before myself, and then I end up taking on too much, getting sick, or getting resentful (which also has the effect of causing guilt!)
Thanks for writing that, I hope someday I can follow that advice. I know it's true... What if something that is supposedly "taking care of myself" is causing me stress? Like counseling or physical therapy or going shopping? I get confused as to what I am allowed to say no to when I feel overwhelmed and don't think I can handle anymore.