Help by all that is good help me!

Post Reply New Topic

I just cut myself...I once promised myself I would never descend that low to the point of self mutilation but it appears we cannot fathom the depths to which these demons in me will force me down. I needed to lacerate myself it is the only way I can think to expunge this bile within myself. I want to let it bleed out till there is nothing more though I know it is hopeless. Thoughts of quitting this world are in my head... they have never been this bad. Damn this world.

I am praying for you.

We can't indeed fathom where you'll be forced, but at least we can tell when you have nowhere to go but up. Promises to oneself only lose their validity when we no longer see the use in them, you however seem to be more than writer enough to avoid being painted into this corner. Hope is a difficult thing to navigate for all of us, however I can assure you my personal concept therein now includes you.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

can you share the difficulties that are putting you in this frame of mind?

I was stupid and tread into forbidden lands, namely I fell in love. However the problem exists since she can not decide what she wants of me and when I found out she was spending the evening perhaps in the true biblical sense with another man whom proceed to insult in my hurt and anger she ceased talking to me. She has sadly of late become much of my whole reason for getting through the day. I cannot put more into that statement English as a language fails to convey how important she has become to me. All of this has just compounded with all my old insecurities and self loathing and removed my masculinity, my trust in her and so much else. I thought I had learned how to function but all this has just stripped away anything I once clutched to.

Thank you all for your wishes and comments I needed to know someone cared I guess, I dunno. I think I will be okay. The oppressive weight of the nameless bureaucracy that is my workplace has done much to squash any feeling within me.

Okay foxie, so you put someone on a pedestal and they've fallen off with a bump and a crash.

Very painful.

But, I'm sorry, you're far more important than all of that, and to cut yourself over that - well, there are other ways to let pain out.

I love your style of writing, it has an old romantic nature that betrays you as a person. Perhaps you fell in love with your powerful notion of love itself - that hasn't ended.

If, in future, you have the urge to self harm, instead of using the blade just take an ice cube from the freezer and hold it in your palm. Hold it there until it melts if need be. The purpose of self harm is coping mechanism, usually. For myself, i used it as a way to sort of reset my mind. Banish overwhelming thoughts with pain and the endorphins that follow.

Cutting with a knife can be very dangerous, very easy to cut too deep in the wrong place and wind up in much worse situation than you intended.

Please be safe.

Hi, Urthred.

I have been in emotional turmoil enough to hurt myself before and I feel for you. The pressure inside me was too great to keep, I thought I had to do something to let it out. Usually the pressure for me has to do with my feeling completely worthless and helpless. When I punched myself in the face last November, a loved one had treated me like the negative situation was my fault, and of course in the all or nothing way I think, I took that to mean that all the bad was my fault, not only that but I must BE bad, in order to bring such misery upon myself and others. I must not be worth anything. And so I resorted to pain.

I don't cut, but I think I would if I could bear that level of self- inflicted pain. I just want you to know that you're not alone, there are people in the world who care about you, and you are worth more than your mind may tell you. You are precious, one of a kind, a human person. There is a whole world and a whole life before you, there is yet more joy and more love and more beauty to behold. Keep yourself safe, write the pain out instead of hurting yourself, if you can.

I was ordered to speak

but remained silent

for fear of ridicule

for rebellion

But what use was it

to keep quiet

and destroy love?

To whom must I be

faithful?

Must I betray myself

to please him?

Or uphold my dignity?

This question burns me.

What choice do I have

when both paths

fail one of us?

Who's to suffer?

I took this question

to bed

and let my tears

wash me into myself

where I was no good

and death loomed

before me

my emotions tore at me

until in my pain

I smashed my head

into the bars

of my prison

until it split

and my blood

poured out into

my dreams

and drowned my purpose.

As I lay there

hopeless

I fell asleep

and when I awoke

it was no more.

Only a memory

of suffering

and a throbbing

in my head.

I want to be free.

I wrote this poem once when I felt like causing myself pain. Sometimes it helps to express what is throbbing inside.